Missed miscarriage on friday-had d+c yeterday. feel so alone?

[kayls19]

hi this is my first time writing or even coming on mumsnet- my aunt sent me the link after I had a missed miscarriage on friday. it was only confirmed at a routine dating scan. i was 16 weeks pregnant by dates but the baby was only at 12 weeks 2 days gestation. My baby had what looked like a halo around its head and had no heartbeat. i am absolutely devastated. i had a d+c yesterday morning which made it all seem so final. Eventhough i m in a 3 year relationship I was taking the pill when i conceived so initially it came as quite a shock. We had spoke about having kids at some stage but not until after i was finished my last year in Uni. After the initial shock set in it turned to complete joy nad excitement, we were both over th moon. i had a scan done at 8 weeks and everything was perfect so to get the news on friday that there was no heartbeat was truly devastating. i had no bleeding or pain or any other symptoms to make me think something was wrong. How did i not realise it though? I did everything properly-gave up alcohol cigarettes, i ate a very healthy diet. my friend is pregnant also 16 weeks gone-she has continued smoking and drinking and her baby is perfect. How can that be? I feel so angry and jealous. I dont want to feel like this every time i see a baby but i am just heartbroken. I suppose i am on here looking for advice from people who have been through a similar experience-how can i start to get my life back? i cant sleep or eat properly and feellike i am pushing my loving partner away. All the plans for our future and our baby's future changed in an instant. I feel so angry all the time. why would god bless me with such a gift only to take it from me before i even got to hold it or say goodbye??

I am so sorry for your loss. I know what it feels like to go for a routine scan and come away heartbroken.

The only advice I can give is to give yourself time to grieve and time to heal.

You did nothing wrong, nothing. Believe me, I have had 3 m/c and 2 normal healthy pregnancies and I did nothing different.

Take care of yourself.

nothing i can say will make you feel better.
please try and stay strong, you will get through this i promise.
had 2 miscarriages along the way, and lost my beautiful daughter at 13 days. if i can keep going, please believe you can.
please try not to push your partner away, he is grieving too, and believe me you need each other.
i honestly hope this helps you, am off to light a candle for your baby. xx

Hi Kayls19,
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. This is also my very first post on this site, my husband discovered it.
You were very lucky to concieve whilst on the pill, this means that you are very fertile - thats a great thing. The pill is like poison in your blood - imagine, it makes your body think its already pregnant when you're on it. So sometimes it takes months to flush it out of your system. I know all of your feelings, first hand. I came off the Pill last August, and we seriously started trying in October - I feel pregnant end of Jan, but had a MC 8th March. It was awful, could smile, talk, work - nothing, but my nine year old kept me going. Amazingly without even trying (or even my first period) I fell pregnant again three weeks later. Last Monday I started spotting so we went to theEPU, they saw a heart beat and said I was about 5 weeks. Today I went to the EPU as my bleeding got heavier - no heartbeat. So back to all these emotions again - trying to be stronger though. My best friend is also pregnant 9 weeks. I'm happy for her, the way I see it is no one should go through what we're going through. But its normal to feel jealous and envious...don't beat yourself up. Get yourself back in order and try again x

I am so terribly sorry that you are going through this. Please do not feel alone. There are many, many women on here who are going to be virtually holding your hand through this.

It's a terrible, awful thing you are going through and you must allow yourself to feel whatever comes to you. You are grieving for the entire life of your little baby, not just those weeks that you carried them inside you.

You did nothing wrong. I promise you. It's a cruel thing and does not pick and choose.

I hope you and your partner can come together to help each other through this.

Again, I'm sorry. Keep talking.

bump
this girl needs our messages of support

hello
very sorry to hear what you are going through.
I'm new to mumsnet aswell and i cant belive how helpful it has been! i have had so much support and writing about my mc's has helped so much. you are in no way alone and I know it is a hugh cliche but it will get better in time
thinking of you
xx

I'm new to this site too and posted a message the other day.

I was 14 weeks pregnant - the scan at 12 weeks was perfect.

Last weekend I experienced heavy bleeding. A scan on monday revealed that I'd lost a lot of fluid around the baby (not good) and there was a clot of some sort (they weren't worried about this.)

I was still bleeding and went back yesterday. the scan revealed no heartbeat due to the loss of fluid. I was devastated.
I had to go for immediate emergency surgery yesterday and came out of hospital today. It's my birthday today too so pants timing .

it's been awful telling everyone the sad news when just over a week ago it had been great news.

I think things happen for a reason. it was my body's way of saying something was wrong and I would rather it happen now than further down the line, or spend my whole time worrying.

My husband has been really supportive so rely on your partner and confide in him how you're feeling as he will feel it too (but men don't show it in teh same way.)

I had a fried runny egg for lunch which was yum.

I like this site - feels comforting in a way that you know you're not alone.

as you're at uni I'm presuming you're younger than me (I'm now 36) so you've lots of time ahead of you.

take care.
xx

hi dancing queen. funny about the egg thing, I did the same thing, and also treated myself to a glass of wine and a good cry! x

Hi Shyla and Dancingqueen,
so sorry for you both. I am glad that MN is giving you some support. I wish that I had known about MN when I had my m/cs.

Kayls
How are you doing tonight? I hope that you and your partner can work through this together. We often forget, as wrapped up as we are in our own grief, how much the men are hurting too. My DH said that he felt so helpless, as if he had failed to protect me and the baby. Talk it through with him. Hold each other tight.

Hi This is my first post. I had missed miscarriage. I lost little bean at 9 weeks but found oiut at my 12 week scan. I went on to conceive 6 months later and now have a beautiful baby girl. It is devastating but I now look at it as my bodies way of getting me ready to carry a baby to term. I too was on the pill so I always think my body has never had to experience anything like it before.

I'm so sorry for your loss Kayls. All I can say is this pain is still so raw for you as the D&C was only yesterday. I promise it DOES get better. My MMC was 4 weeks ago; it still dominates my thoughts all day but in nowhere near the painful way it did when it was happening.

As others have said, you must keep your partner close. One of the things this experience has really taught me is to not take my dh for granted and that we are in this together no matter what happens. Men grieve very differently so you must just allow each other to feel whatever you want to feel. You will come through this. Big virtual hugs!

thank you all for your kind words. gary finally opened up to me last night. he broke down in tears. he said that he had felt like he needed to be string for me-while the whole time all i wanted him to so was sit down and have a good cry with me. i resented the fact that it wasnt affecting him (or at least thats what i thought) in the same way it was affecting me. talking to him about the mc last night really helped-but this morning i am feeling so raw. i feel a failure not being able to give him the child he so dearly wanted

So glad you've both spoken about it last night. My husband has shed tear too (he hated seeing me being wheeled off to theatre).

I too feel worse today - more emotional. I guess it's our hormones having to settle down.

it good to hear other peoples success stories following a MC so hopefully we'll be in that position again in the future. If I am, I'm not telling anyone for ages although the support I've received and good wishes has been lovely.

Big hug to you both.
xxx

DancingQueen that's really interesting, cos for me I know that next time I'm going to tell more people as soon as I know I am pg. With my first pregnancy, I was obsessed about keeping it a secret between dh and me and we really wanted to surprise everyone later on. But once I started bleeding, it was so so hard to phone my Mum in floods of tears and tell her what was going on. I then told my bf and my sisters etc after I knew I was def miscarrying. It was horrible that they hadn't even known I was pg.
I know that next time I'll definitely tell my parents, sisters and bf...firstly cos I want them to pray for me, but also because I know I will need the support.

It is interesting how we all handle it differently isn't it?
I really hope that loads of us that are currently on the mc forum will graduate to the ante-natal clubs together that would be lovely.

kayls19 I've just been through almost exactly the same as you. Fell pregnant first month after coming off the pill. Had a scan at 10 weeks, showed a perfectly healthy baby, exactly the right size etc. 13 week scan showed the baby had no heartbeat and had died just around 12 weeks. I had absolutely no symptoms, and had an ERPC on Thursday. It was so hard to come to terms with as my body still felt pregnant. Like you, I felt do devastated that all our plans had gone in an instant, and didn't really understand why it was happening to us...

I'm not sure if you can ever entirely get over something like this, but I've fund that talking to my DH has helped a lot, and also talking to my Mum (she had 2 MC - one of which was her first like me - and 3 children). I've also found that talking to people on here and having their support has really helped. It's made me realise that there's nothing I did to make this happen. So, please don't feel like you've failed because your baby didn't survive. It just wasn't meant to happen this time - doesn't mean it won't happen again for you.

x