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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

He doesn't like me to cry

5 replies

cyanarasamba · 26/04/2009 21:34

Just had my second miscarriage recently. DH seems to find it very hard when I cry. A lot of the time I think I carry on normally and enjoy my time with DS, but sometimes it just hits me all over again and I break down a bit.

I get from him:
"What's wrong?" well duh.....
"Please be happy...Don't cry"
"Crying doesn't help, we need to try and be happy and not make things any worse"

Yes he does come across as concerned and loving but the words are all wrong. I end up snapping and pushing him away when I know he's hurting too. TBH it's easier to talk with my mum or a friend but then maybe I'm being too harsh on him?

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 26/04/2009 22:43

i guess he just doens't like seeing you upset and not being able to "do" anything?
men tend to be "fixers" and want to make things better and I think they can find it hard when all you want is someone to give you a cuddle.
tell him that it's ok to cry, and that sometimes all you want is him to hold you and let you cry.

fryalot · 26/04/2009 22:48

I agree with thisisyesterday.

Sometimes people don't see miscarriage as a bereavement. Perhaps he is feeling bereaved, but feels that he shouldn't; and he's trying to help you "get over it" Of course there is no getting over it, and it is a bereavement and you need to cry and wail and think about how bloody unfair it is.

Could you talk to him and tell him that you need to cry about what has happened, and it is the healthiest thing you can do.

So sorry this happened to you. It's really shitty. It does get easier as time passes (I know that sounds trite, but it is also true)

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 26/04/2009 22:49

he can't bear the thought of you being sad. He's probably feeling really helpless. I bet it's eating him up inside aswell. Open a bottle of wine with him and let it all out.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

cyanarasamba · 27/04/2009 13:33

Thanks for the replies and advice. I have tried to tell him it's normal/healthy to cry and it's something I need to do but fundamentally he disagrees. He will "go along with it" but I still get the feeling it's not ok .

It's hard as I'm confusing my feelings of sadness with resentment that he is being like this. Like last time I know time will help but for now it's difficult.

OP posts:
sue10 · 28/04/2009 19:43

Sorry this has happened to you. The first few mc's i had my dh was the same which made the whole thing so much worse as i felt he wasn't understanding what i was feeling/going through and i to felt resentment but after time he did begin to understand and changed the way he delt with the mc's and when i look back now i think it was his way of coping with the sadness and the hurt i was feeling. Our lives had totally changed over night and i guess it's alot for all involved to deal with and try to understand.
As Squonk says it does get easier with time.
Again, i am sorry. Takecare and give you yourself time.

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