So it looks like i have graduated to this forum :(

[Thandeka]

I was so excited when I finally moved over from Conception boards to pregnancy after 6months TTC which I had found very stressful and tramatic (my mother took three years to concieve and I thought that would be me) and now at 10 weeks 1 day and having a missed miscarriage so I move over to here.

The embryo stopped growing at 6 weeks but I don't understand because I had a viable scan at 6 weeks 3 days where I saw the heartbeat and it was my little mutant ninja bean, and the midwife said I wouldn't micarry. It must have stopped growing just after that.

We flew to Thailand at 7weeks and where there til I was 10 weeks. I still had morning sickness, tiredness, weeing all the time. I even started to get a bit of a bump (well pot belly took on a bump like appearance) and all the Thai's knew I was pregnant. I wonder if Thailand caused it to end- flying, dodgy food, mozzie bites. I know that I will never know and it probably wasn't but I will always think it was something to do with that.

I hate the idea that for 4 weeks I thought I was pregnant when I wasn't. Getting to 10 weeks was like almost at the final hurdle. I was starting to relax and talk about the baby (especially after the viable scan), I had stopped touching wood all the time and "if" had become "when"

The day after we got back at 5am I had a little bleed- I thought am not going to worry the placenta is probably developing now. The blood turned a bit red so we went off to A&E. After blood and urine tests and a lot of waiting they scanned my abdomen. I knew something was wrong. The woman was very quiet and took ages and then asked to do an Transvaginal scan. Then they told me the baby had stopped devloping at 6 weeks.

We went home and I had a bath to ease the cramps- this got gunky and I said to my husband "it was a bit of a bloodbath" and then realised what I had said which made us both laugh somehwat hysterically. Within the hour I was having incredibly bad cramps which put me on the floor and suddenly on the loo I passed the egg sac in two huge clots which was horrible. I was going to collect it to bury it as I read in some advice on here but in the end I couldn't bear to so instead we will probably at some point bury a small soft toy I brought on the day I found out I was pregnant as a good luck thing.

I am still bleeding a little but no more clots so I guess I should be thankful that the whole process took about 12 hours rather than a couple of weeks. Its 4am I can't sleep and I am crying so I just needed to write it all here and get it down. Am signed off work for two weeks but I think I will need to take longer- trouble is I am a teacher who teaches mainly health education and childcare. Not the easiest things to teach when you have had a pregnancy loss. And the kids with no tact will all ask where I have been and what's up with me.

I want to start trying again as soon as possible but I'm so scared now. I didn't think it would happen to me. I know the odds are high and these things do happen but I thought I would be one of the lucky ones.

I'm so sorry this is such a long post and I don't want to upset people reading it. I just need to get it off my chest.

You poor thing, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I had a similar experience last October and it is awful and very very sad. Don't worry about going back to work and what the kids say etc etc, you have 2 weeks to face that one. Just concentrate on yourself and your dh. Have a ceremony with your dh to say goodbye to the baby if that helps you. Keep warm, surround yourself with love and kindness. If you find yourself worrying about the future try to kindly steer your mind away from those thoughts - plenty of time to plan future pregnancies etc when you are over the grief of this lost baby.

Take care x

I am really sorry for your loss. Sadly I know how you are feeling.

I too have had a mmc at 13wks and it is just so unfair!! I had mine in 2006 (and then 6 weeks ago I had another mc at 6 weeks) just a week after reaching the 'safe' 12wk mark and telling everyone. It had stopped developing at about 9wks. I had very heavy bleeding and ended up having an ERPC and spending 2 (horrid) nights in hospital.

Please don't blame yourself or wonder if there is something you have done to cause this. Thoughts like that just drive you crazy... I can truthfully say that time is a great healer.

I have since had my DS who is now 16mo and also have a 4yo DD.

Wrt your job is possible to get someone else to tell your student what has happened and how upset you are so at least you will all be on the same page when you go back? It is a pretty tough thing to tell someone I'd dread telling a classroom full of kids!

Anyway I do wish you well, please take care of yourself and treat yourself well. I hope this has come across as kind and caring as I have intended it to.

I am in Australia btw so can chat if you want as it is mid afternoon.

Thankyou guys. So glad some people replied at this unwordly hour- helps me not feel so alone. DH just got up went to the loo but didn't come to check on me, I know its because he has work tommorrow and he is grieving too but I would have loved a cuddle.

Unfortunately I teach in a secondary school and teach over 300 kids. If it was 1 class I could just about handle it but not 10! It would be all round the school and some of the kids are so evil I would be worried that if I ever got into a confrontation with one of them they may even use it against me. Though thats probably paranoia as surely kids wouldnt be that cruel. They are always aasking me when I am having babies though. GRRRR.

I may tell my 6th formers but thats about it.

Am off to a friends today who doesn't work mondays and we have our cleaner coming round so at least the house will be spotless when I get back. Got other friends coming Tuesday and Wednesday and may try and persuade DH to go away for a weekend or something. I'll get there eventually...

Re the school thing, try to put how you will cope out of your mind for now as I don't think it will do you much good to worry about it - and I can see that it is a worry. However, is there a head of dept/head teacher/senior teacher that you can discuss this with? Perhaps next week when you are feeling a bit stronger and your return is a bit more imminent - you could discuss some strategies for dealing with the less sensitive members of your school.

Good for you to have friends to support and care for you over the next few days. And a VERY good idea for you and dh to get away for a weekend. Clear your heads a bit and let you take care of each other.

It's a miserable and grim business, and sadly quite a common experience. There will be lots of women who have shared this gloomy experience. It is a terrible cliche but time does heal, and you will feel less raw and grief stricken. But all the same it is a very sad process to go though and you have my every sympathy xxx

Ahh when you said you were a teacher I imagined sweet little well behaved kids... Not so! Scrap my suggestion then!!
Just take some time and see how you feel in a couple of weeks when you are ready to go back to work.

All I can add too, after being through the same is do not hesitate to get a bit of counselling or help if you need it. I spent bloody months telling myself I was not too bothered and didn't fall pregnant again for 14mths, I think my denial didn't help this mentally.

Anyhow as Esselle, I have had to dd's since, but it was a grim and awful time, where I pretty much hated anybody who was pg, even my sister . Just keep talking about it

I am so sorry for you loss Thankeka

Funnily enough I was on the waiting list for counselling around issues with TTC but then I got pregnant. Luckily I hadn't taken myself off the waiting list so I emailed them this morning to explain what had happened. Think I will also make self appointments for haircuts, dentists, accupuncture and massage, not for immediately but to have things coming up. Silly things like being excited about getting free dental care are making me sad now and I am getting overdue for an appointment.

Thandeka - sorry for your loss
I too had a m/c at 9 weeks, before I fell pg with my ds.
Just be gentle with yourself and take some time off to rleax and grieve for your lo, and please don't forget your DH will be grieving too.
The pamper thing sounds like an excellent idea
Take care of yourself. The burying of the soft toy sounds like a sweet idea, I hope it will give you some closure.
Sadly there are many of us who know what you are going through, but also many of us who went on to have successful pregnancies, I hope this will be the same for you.

Dear Thandeka, I emphathize with you so much. You've received quite a few answers to your post, which is great, and now I am adding mine. I had my mc end of March and I know exactly what you mean about the horrible transition from being pregnant to not being pregnant. My DH and I were so chuffed when we found out I was expecting after trying on (and off) for 6 months. We were on cloud 9 especially when we found out after that my DH go the job he was hoping for in Tours (France). Ironically the week end before the mc started I was behaving so hormonally we stopped being superstitious and decided to tell our children (12 and 5) about the baby. How sad is that? When I started bleeding on the Monday morning I went into total panic mode: shaking and shivering. We went to the hospital (here in France) in the afternoon and the doctor was blunt and awful and suggested a D&C without explaining a thing to us. I can tell you, my DH who is extraordinarily positive generally was looking shellshocked. Anyway I opted for the natural way and the mc took five days. What was hard was that my doctor in Paris and another (much better) doc in our home town kept giving me hope and suggested it was not necessarily a mc. But it was. I'm grateful, however, that I didn't need a D&D. I was dreading that option.
Like you I am a teacher and I fully understand the fear of facing all those energetic adolescents when you are feeling fragile. I am so glad you have a fortnight off. You've seen the advice others have given you. I agree with them all. What helped me was giving myself the time to cry hysterically, to slowly simmer down (all those hormones feel like there boiling over, don't they?) and to do NOTHING whatsoever until you feel ready to do otherwise. I was wiped out and got through the first couple of weeks with easy to read novels, films, and lots of hugs from my DH and kids. I couldn't manage anything remotely taxing.
You will feel better, I promise you. I took 'Floradix' to boost my iron levels as anaemia does not help at all.
Maybe you don't have to tell your pupils? I closed in on myself so much during my miscarriage. It felt SO private and I got annoyed with a 'friend' who insisted on calling EVERY day to find out why I was absent.
Finally all those things that seem insurmountable will become manageable in little doses over time. Please don't force yourself in anyway.
I've just got my first period after mc and I honestly feel more human now. Let us know how you are and if we can help you.

I'm so sorry for your loss Thandenka. I have just miscarried and my situation was quite similar to yours. I had light bleeding at 8 weeks and a scan revealed a little bean with heart beating, exactly the right size. I had lots of very strong symptoms and thought everything was fine. Light bleeding at 12 weeks and another scan showed that baby had stopped growing shortly after that first scan and I miscarried at home soon after. I felt/feel still that I must have done something wrong for it all to have been fine and then stop. Someone on another forum made me feel a little better about this - she said I should think of it as there having been something there from the start or something missing that decided that the baby would stop at 8 weeks and that it was all preordained and nothing I could have done would have made any difference.

Sorry, not meaning to make this all about me, though I do seem to have done, just wanted you to know that I know how crappy you feel. My first pregnancy also ended in a missed m/c but after that I went on to have 2 lovely daughters - it is very common and I hope that your next pregnancy is successful.

Thankyou so much for your replies. They are really helping. Jacanne- your post was lovely and not all about you- don't worry about it. Jardins your hospital experience sounds terrible but I'm glad you feel more human now. So sorry you had to break the news to your kids too that must have been awful. My brother who I am very close to, who has mental health issues, accidently found out about the pregnancy the day before the miscarriage, as he overheard my mum talking to me, we were keeping it from him till 12 week scan incase anything happened. Then we had to tell him it hadn't worked and he is so gutted but at the minute I can't talk to him about it because I can't deal with his pain on top of mine and DH's.

Now on day 2 from ground zero and feeling a bit better from yesterday. Have a scan at the hospital tommorrow to check its all gone and weirdly I am really hoping it has which sort of feels wrong to feel that. I had a nice email from a colleague who said "My daughter lost her first baby and is now the mother of a gorgeous boy who she is sure is the same baby who tried but made it successfully the second time" and I thought that would be a nice way of looking at it. I know the chances of two in a row miscarriages are much lower so hears hoping to getting pregnant with a sticky one next time.

I am going to tell the 6th formers about the MC as they are a bunch of lovely girls. I think at the minute I will go for a phased return so going back to teach my 6th formers who I can cope with initially and build up to my horrible classes when I feel more confident. I probably won't tell the other classes unless I feel I need a deathly silent perfectly behaved lesson. There is nothing like having a teacher tell you something tramatic with a few tears for making the buggers behave. (I am tongue in cheek here- generally I go for the more long term standard behaviour management!)

A phased return won't make it so bad. My school have been absolutely lovely and had a lovely email from my headteacher this morning and he has been through it too so knows where I am at.

Also something I find interesting is how males deal with it. Its a good job I am rational and have enough perspective to know they don't mean to be upsetting but they are pretty useless at it (excluding DH, some good male friends and my head). I had one email from a colleague who I was supposed to be running a training with today just bluntly said "sorry to hear about your miscarriage, then started wittering on about arrangements for the training, then finished with "wishing you a speedy recovery!" Hahahaha! Then another collegaue who I asked to help my jobshare with my cover said "even though I can't stand XXX (My jobshare) I will do it" Ooooh how noble of him to put his personal feelings aside for me. GRRRRRRRRR!

Sorry blathering on again. I guess it is just really helping me to get my feelings out amongst people who understand and get it. My best friend in RL also had an MC with her first (though at 16 weeks) so she gets it too and is being a rock.

Right off for a day of DVD's. Have boxset of queer of folk, lots of my name is earl, maybe some desperate housewives and the ladies detective agency. And this evening I shall enjoy a glass of wine (had one last night too and I was tiddled after one glass, after not drinking for at least 8 weeks my tolerance has gone right down- which is good!)

So sorry to hear of your loss.

Hope you enjoy your wine, you definetly deserve it. x

I'm wishing you a peaceful day Thandeka, full of the ladies detective agency and other treats. I had my first glass of wine, I think it was day 2 of my mc and I couldn't believe how tiddly I was! I think my DH suggested it to help me unwind. Have you felt unbelievably tense these past days? I remember how clamy my hands felt and I was forever jigging my leg up and down when sitting down - very nervy.
One of things I dreaded as soon as I found out I was miscarrying was telling those around me who I'd gleefully announced the pregnancy to. Of course they were all very nice. Still it struck me how some people just leave you to it as, I imagine, they don't really know if you want to talk about it or not.
You made me smile when you mentioned the shock technique (mc announcement)which you might apply to your harder classes: I know exactly where you're at. A very small part of you feels quite triumphant about shocking them into silence. (A technique to be used sparsely of course!!!!!)
I was surprised how quickly I wanted to start TTC again (my husband too). I'd be curious to know about your reactions if and when you feel like sharing.
Bye for now.

Thanks Jardins - haha the leg jiggle- yup I was doing that too! At the minute I have my baby blanket on my lap which is helping. My grandma gave it to me as a baby and it is a foul furry pink thing that I bizarrely started using as a comforter in my teens, and because my brain associates it with feeling better I always reach for it when low. I was hoping to use it for our little one but its the only baby associated thing I can cope with at the min. If a baby/pregnant lady comes on tv I have to switch over at the min but that will get better I guess not like I can avoid them- lots of pregnant ladies at work including a good mate who is due to give birth on Thursday who I haven't told yet- I plan on waiting til I get the birth announcement text (where she will probably ask about me too) so i know she is okay so she doesn't start worrying about me before the birth, and gently telling her but telling her am fine and not to worry. Hopefully she will be so chuffed about her LO she will be okay.

On trying again we are deciding at the min. Guess will wait the one cycle you are supposed to (not three that's way too long)- I think I am slightly dreading having sex with DH again. We have been told to wait at least 2 weeks and then use a condom until my next period but I think my brain has gone back to associating sex with making babies and I think I am scared about "making babies" at the min so maybe need more time. Or to try and focus on the fun aspects of sex
and forget about the babymaking part- is tricky though. I was a complete pyschotic nightmare when we were TTC last time- and I was amazed when I got pregnant that time as I thought the complete stresshead I was would put a stop to fertilisation happening. This time I imagine my stressheading will be worse. Oh dear. (best of luck to you for TTC again Jardins - I won't use the dreadful term Babydust as its just grim- that and BDing- Yuk! (Though in my head BDing is "Bedding Down" not baby dancing as that is just wrong wrong wrong!)

Sorry for a blathery post - I tend to write the way I speak- which invariably doesnt make sense!

Do you know I used to think BD stood for 'burrowing down'! Can you imagine?!

Yukk, yukk!!!!

It took us around six months before I conceived. Funny really 'cos I think we started July/August time and I was really into it and as the year wore on I got more and more stressed. Come December and January I actually took one major step back from my obssession and got busy with Christmas and then January was mega busy too as we were organising concerts in our area. Those months also tend to bring a huge amount of bugs and waking up in the middle of a wintry night to look after a feverish child calms down the reproducing ardour somewhat. The thought of being up all night with a newborn seemed a little less attractive. But that was my head not my heart speaking. In February we had our first real holiday in 3 years (my DH set up his business 4 years ago, but he's changed jobs now) and wham bang it happened. It was wonderful getting a BFP! You feel as if you've scored straight A's at your A'levels .... and better!

The weirdest thing is knowing that at my age it's now or never.

I spoke to a mum at school this morning, who has one daughter (4 and a half) and she told me her husband does not want anymore children. She's 37. That must be hard to accept.

Look: I'm the one babbling now. Sorry Thandeka - this has turned out to be all about me. Not what I wanted at all. I've been thinking about you today and hoping you're as well as possible.

Stay in touch, you and your baby blanket.

Awwww Jardins I like hearing about other people too- far to easy for it to all be about me. I'm very touched that you replied. Here's hoping for lots of "straight A's at A'levels" for all of us that get us into Pregnancy University and that we all graduate after 9months with a first class sproglet!

It must be awful when one partner wants more than the other. I was chatting to a woman at pregnancy advisory service (as part of my work in health ed) and she told me about a case of a woman with three kids who was pregnant again accidently and her husband said he would leave her unless she got an abortion. How terrible is that.

DH wants 4 kids and I am happy with as many as I can produce but will be happy with one so at least we are on same page.

Bizarrely have had a very good day today. Haven't cried really- odd choked moment but not as bad as yesterday. Have done lots of productive things like brought a carpet cleaner to attack a stain and tried to attack it (is currently drying so who knows whether it worked!), arranged to have blinds fixed, went and got a haircut (which was very scary as was terrified the hairdresser would ask the dreaded chitchat question- "Have you got any kids?" but she didnt so that was okay.) Tried to fix a broken frame (need to get some new glass oh and phoned occupational health and arranged for some free counselling. Wow I actually did loads!

I guess is displacement before the horridness of the scan at the hospital tommorrow. Yuk.

I'll be with you in spirit tomorrow for your scan. What time is it?

I had mine on 1st April and I was in such a foul mood beforehand, just dreading hearing 'oh dear, there appears to be some remaining tissue', bla, bla. Although I guess one just deals with that hurdle ... one more ey? Anyway all this to say that in my humble opinion your scan tomorrow will be the last obstacle in what has been the very unpleasant and dodgy (mc) race. You might feel like a glass of champagne tomorrow evening .... and you jolly well deserve one tonight after all that practical stuff you've achieved: I'm bloody impressed, mate.

I'm so sorry this has happened Thandeka.
I hope you're as ok as you can be.
Take care.

Aww cheers MrsH. Glad you found me here- didnt want to go on all my other threads and announcing it. Am ok today. Tommorrow will be another story. Back to the water drinking, vitamin taking, healthy eating, exercising Thandeka- well after the next week or two. Now is time for wine and chocolate.

scan is 3.30 tommorrow afternoon. Fingers strongly crossed its all gone (which like I said sounds wrong to hope the other way than before)- I think it probably is since the stuff on sunday was as big as my fist and apart from a 50p sized clot yesterday there has been nothing else apart from a medium flow of blood (like a period) so I can't imagine there is anything left.
Your best wishes mean a lot.
Thankyou.

Scan was okay- is all gone. I'm weirdly okay, Midwife said would be okay to start trying again once bleeding stops so I'm up for that but not sure about DH as currently DH clearly isn't ok and has gone very very quiet but doesn't seem to want to talk about it.

Hope you're doing okay Thandeka

I'm really sorry to hear this and hope you both can get support to help you through this difficult time.

Thandeka - I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I can't believe your coworker wrote "speedy recovery" - that is absolutely horrid. I had similar happen to me from a few friends that have no concept of how difficult it is...why - I had no idea myself...before my 3 mc's over the course of 1 year. I'm only 31 and can't believe I'm having so many problems and some people seem to think it's like losing your favorite bracelet - "Awww--that is simply awful...so anyway!"
I had a very difficult time with the last mc because my dh and I saw the tiny little heartbeat and were so damn thrilled...a few days later the spotting started. My dh is a ball of fun and he's my soulmate but when I woke up in the middle of the night with clots the size of a mouse, he just snored on - oh well. He does say how strong I've been and how awful it must feel mentally AND physically for me..."You got that right!" I say.
I'm also a teacher and only took 3-4 days off for each one. With the last one, I was telling my boss how sorry I was for missing all this work but I couldn't help it. I was totally embarrassed about it and my kids asked me where I had been and I said I was really sick with the flu and one time I said I went off to New York to visit family (where I'm from).
Anyway, just wanted to share my tiny story with you and let you know that I feel your agony. When it happens, it's as if part of your soul drops out with those clots. I just found out this morning that I'm preggers again - lucky #4? God I hope so. I am a nervous wreck and how unfair that I can't be truly happy about this!
Hope you're doing ok - movies and wine always give me joy...