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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

2nd miscarriage in 6 months, feel so alone and scared

23 replies

Monroe · 17/04/2009 08:16

After trying for 6 months to get pregnant we found out in December last year at a 9 week scan that the pregnancy hadn't progressed past 6 weeks. Although devestated it did not come as such a suprise as things had not felt right since we had the positive result. We decided to try again straight away and were thrilled to find out in February that we were pregnant again. This time I felt extremely pregnant from the start with lots of morning sickness and all the other usual symptoms. Because I was so nervous we paid for a private scan at 7 weeks which detected a heartbeat and everything looked normal so we started to feel more positive that this time it would work out. The day before my dating scan I had a very light show. We had the scan yesterday to be told the same thing had happened, only this time the baby had developed till 7 weeks. I couldn't believe life could be so unfair and it had happened again. I feel so numb and shocked and just want to curl up in a ball and cry but then I feel so ungrateful because we have a wonderful 2 year old ds and feel like I should feel lucky for what we have which I do but it doesn't take this pain away. Family and friends are great but they don't know what to say or do and they think I am coping when really I'm just pretending it hasn't happened or else I don't think I will be able to do anything. If I start to think I don't think i'll ever stop crying and my poor ds keeps saying sorry because he thinks he has done something wrong. Sorry for the long post but need to get this out. I just want someone to take this pain away

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OracleInaCoracle · 17/04/2009 08:21

oh monroe, mc is devastating and Im so sorry for your losses. please don't feel that you shouldn't grieve. you have lost a future. all the hopes and dreams that you had for those beans will never come to fruition, you are mourning that as well as the death of a much loved amd wanted baby. i have plants that i have bought to remember each of my beans, and find that very helpful. x

greenelephant · 17/04/2009 08:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

macherie · 17/04/2009 08:24

So sorry this happened to you. Life is just so unfair sometimes.

I had a mc with my first pregnancy at 13 weeks and was totally distraught. I can still remember the ache in my chest, I felt heartbroken. Cry and cry as much as you need to, you need to let all the pain out.

Take care of yourself, put on a dvd for your ds, snuggle up on the sofa and rest. It will pass and you will feel better.

I'll be thinking of you.

LovelyPear · 17/04/2009 10:27

Oh Monroe I am so so sorry. The others are right, you need to allow yourself this time and don't hold back as it's a very important part of the process of grieving. Is there someone who can come and be with you and your DS?

As Lissielou says, it can be very helpful to do something to remember your lo. My DH and I have decided to plant a rose in our garden for our lo who I lost last week. You may not be ready to think of that now though.

Monroe · 17/04/2009 11:18

Thanks for your lovely messages of support. I am trying very hard to hold it together for ds who keeps asking me to smile and be happy. No one available today who can help out but I should have lots of support over the weekend so that should help. I keep switching between feeling completely numb to railing at the world for being so unkind. I think its a lovely idea to remember the lost ones in some way but not sure how I would cope with that. My main coping mechanism seems to be to just try and forget bad things that happen then you don't have to think about them. Not very healthy I know. I'm not looking forward to the next few days as I have started to bleed and I am getting some pains. I am booked in for Tuesday morning for surgical evac but have a feeling things will happen before then.

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RubyF · 17/04/2009 13:41

Really sorry to hear yuor news. I am slowly starting to recover from my first MC in Dec but everything you describe is how I feel.

I had never thought to plant something in the garden but think it's a lovely idea and am going to try it myself.

Wishing you well.

cornflakegirl · 17/04/2009 15:03

Monroe - I'm really sorry for your loss. I had three early miscarriages last year, and they are heartbreaking. It must be really awful to have started to get your hopes up with this one, only to get the bad news again.

I hope the weekend is a bit easier for you, and that you can get some time to just let your emotions out properly. Take care of yourself.

(I know it's a bit soon for you now, but I've found the Pregnancy after Miscarriage (Knicker Checkers) thread really helpful with my current pregnancy.)

Jackstini · 17/04/2009 15:53

So sorry to hear this Monroe - is very similar to my story.
Had dd in March 06 and fell pregnant again and was due on her 2nd bday. We also found out at our (12 wk) scan that I had had a mmc. Had d&c in Sept, caught again in Oct and mc again in Nov. Felt completley gutted - within the space of 5 months I had been pregnant and mc twice.
Thankfully it had a happy ending and I caught again 4 months later and my beautiful ds was born in Dec. In a funny way it helped me cope with the mc as otherwise I would not have the baby I have iyswim?
Really hope this happens for you too.
It is hard for people to know what to say - I found I had to prompt them as to how much I wanted to talk about it. I felt better talking about it but everyone is different.
Trust me, the pain will lessen but it is all very raw at the moment. Take some time for yourself, my thoughts are with you.

Monroe · 18/04/2009 07:49

Thank you so much again for your kind thoughts. It is really heartening to hear stories with hope but at this moment part of me is convinced that if we were to try again it would have the same ending and I'm not sure I could put myself or my family through it for a 3rd time. We have decided to wait a couple of months and then me and dh will have a chat and see what we both think. We would both dearly love another but I am also wondering if age is against us also. I will be 35 this year, dh 39. I am just so confused at the minute so the only thing I have decided is not to decide anything.

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ramsi · 18/04/2009 08:05

So sorry for your loss Monroe, planting a rosebush or similar is a lovely idea. Had a very late miscarriage at 8 months so know how you feel. One thing that helped me is to visit a local hopsital like Gt Ormond St or similar close to where you are and take some pressies (late easter eggs) or volunteer an hour of reading or so. The focus on some one else helped me very much. And as an older mum, 35 is young!! As a previous poster wrote, you've done it before and there's zero reason to think you won't again.

ramsi · 18/04/2009 08:05

So sorry for your loss Monroe, planting a rosebush or similar is a lovely idea. Had a very late miscarriage at 8 months so know how you feel. One thing that helped me is to visit a local hopsital like Gt Ormond St or similar close to where you are and take some pressies (late easter eggs) or volunteer an hour of reading or so. The focus on some one else helped me very much. And as an older mum, 35 is young!! As a previous poster wrote, you've done it before and there's zero reason to think you won't again.

Monroe · 18/04/2009 08:25

Thats a lovely idea to do something for someone else. That had crossed my mind but was unsure what I could do. I try all the time to be thankful for what we have and I truly am which is why I then feel ungrateful for wanting another one so much.
And thank you for saying 35 is young! I feel that myself but all the articles you read start talking about how your egg quality diminishes and your chance of miscarriage increases and is all very negative when your already feeling low.

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EldonAve · 18/04/2009 10:42

Sorry to hear of your loss
You are not alone but I'm not sure if that makes it any better tbh
I have just had a 2nd mmc after one last year

This week 3 friends have announced their pgs so I'm feeling a bit although I am happy for them

DarrellRivers · 18/04/2009 10:59

I have 2 gorgeous DCs (no problems!)and would dearly love a 3rd.
It took me a few years to persuade DH to try, and he agreed last summer.
I had 2 early miscarriages in September and November and I know your sorrow well
It is incredible that I knew nothing of the pain and suffering that early pregnancy and bleeding can cause.
I am 36 and know that time is still on my side, but also worry that time is against me,but I wanted to give up TTC after the second MC
Give yourself some time to heal/grieve after your terrible news and see where things stand in a few weeks.And treat yourself if you can

And everyone else seems to be pregnant or having gorgeous babies.
I find myself smiling at little babies in the supermarket and then laughing at myself for the wierdness that is that longing for another baby

DarrellRivers · 18/04/2009 11:00

And EldonAve and everyone else on the thread
crap times

Monroe · 18/04/2009 13:48

I know what you mean about everyone around being pregnant. 2 of my very close friends are pregnant at the moment. One announced she was pregnant just weeks after we lost our first and the other's due date was the day we found out we had lost our second. I really am happy for them but part of me does feel jealous and wonder why me. Before the first loss, miscarriage always seemed one of those bad things that happens to other people. It was amazing after the first, the number of people that came forward and said it had happened to them or their mother/sister etc. Most went on to have successful pregnancies which gives you hope but must admit a lot of that has faded now. I am starting to bleed quite heavily and feeling a lot of abdominal pain so going to take it easy for the next couple of days.
I'm sorry too for your losses and thanks for sharing your stories. Although it doesn't take the pain away it does help to know your not alone

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cornflakegirl · 18/04/2009 14:20

Monroe - someone on here recommended I read Professor Lesley Regan's book "Miscarriage - what every woman should know". I found it very interesting, and it did help to put things in perspective, especially around the actually really high chance of having a successful pregnancy even after multiple miscarriages.

Please do take really good care of yourself over the next couple of days.

Jackstini · 18/04/2009 14:39

Still thinking of you Monroe and hope you are taking it easy.
Re the age thing, I was also 35 when it happened, 36 when I had ds so not too late. Definitely give yourself some time though, no need to rush any decision.
I have a friend who justified trying for a 3rd time to herself as at least if something did go wrong, after 3 mc, they do investigate and she had a chance of some answers. She actually had Lupus but after 3 mc, once they found out and were able to treat it she had a beautiful ds and is due a dd in a couple of months. Other people's stories of hope really did help me so hope they do you too.

jellybeans · 18/04/2009 14:49

I am so sorry for your losses
I lost 2 babies in a row in 2007, one at 20 weeks and then one at 7 weeks. It's horrid. I had also lost 2 others years earlier at 11 weeks and 23 weeks. In between and since I have had 5 healthy DC, so just wanted to give you hope. It turned out I have a blood disorder and cervical issue, both which can be treated. I read that even after 3 m/c chances are the next pregnancy will be fine. Take care.

Monroe · 19/04/2009 08:49

Morning everyone. I have had a pretty horrendous evening and have been bleeding extremely heavily and passing large clots. The pain has been quite severe but after reading up a bit on here that seems quite normal. I am quite relieved in one way as this now hopefully means I can avoid another surgical evac which I had last time but i'm not sure how long the heavy bleeding will last for.
I spoke to a lovely nurse at my local gynea unit who gave me lots of reassurance and agreed with me that I would be happier at home rather than going into hospital and she has said she is on shift Monday also and to call her then for an update and she will advise if I need to go in for another scan. I sincerely hope not as the only waiting area is in with all the other pregnant ladies and I had to go through this last time which was upsetting to say the least. I feel physically and emotionally drained and just hollow inside. Any tips on how to manage the pain and bleeding over the next few days would be appreciated

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EldonAve · 19/04/2009 09:00

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time Monroe

I would recommend hot water bottle and the strongest painkillers you have. I think I took codydramol.

From reading on here it seems to be if you fill more than 1 pad an hour or feel faint you should go to A&E.

If possible try to arrange for someone else to help with any childcare you do for next week too

Monroe · 19/04/2009 10:13

Thanks for that. I'm lucky the worst of it is happening at the weekend as my husband is home and able to look after both me and DS. Family have offered to take ds off my hands next week if needed. The hot water bottle sounds like a good idea.
Cornflakegirl - I am going to order the book you recommended today. I think reading some actual facts and figures might help me rationalise all this, thank you

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Jackstini · 19/04/2009 20:19

Sorry you have had such a bad day Monroe it does sound like things are happening naturally so hope the physical part is over soon.

Great you have support from your family. Definitely take them up on having ds for a little while to get some recovery/you time. Don't be surprised though if in a few days time you have a day where you just want to hold him all day and not let go, this happened to me - luckily dd was quite happy to go along with it!

My tip for going through the pain was same as Eldon's, then maybe tomorrow once the bleeding has slowed, a hot bath,a glass of wine and a book to try and lose yourself in, even if only for a short while.
You are in my prayers (no offence meant if you are not religious)

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