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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

have put on 5 lb in a week...

39 replies

Heathcliffscathy · 10/04/2009 18:22

miscarried 10 days ago. it was only early, 6 and a bit weeks pregnant.

i'm miserable, we were away this week, and now back home and no baby coming.

feel so flat. am irritable and shitty with dh and feel so crap that i'm comfort eating like this.

feels like nothing will ever be ok again. i know that is totally irrational.

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Heathcliffscathy · 11/04/2009 20:08

oh iggy, i'm so sorry. thanks so much for posting, you capture it really well. totally get the randomness of not being able to feed the dog. sending you love.

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LittlePolly · 12/04/2009 20:58

Soph I'm so sorry you lost your baby.

I'm still recovering from a second mmc for which I had an ERPC four weeks ago. I just wanted to tell you that although the sadness is still there, it does get easier to bear. I think the first two weeks are the hardest time, because your hormones are in sort of freefall on top of all the very natural grief feelings. I know I was all over the place and just desperate to be pregnant again immediately. It was like that both times for me.

The best thing I learnt from my first mmc, was that it is so so important to look after yourself. You say you feel like you should be doing something productive - well the most productive thing you can do right now is just allow yourself to feel crap (or whatever else you happen to be feeling) and not put any unnecessary pressure on yourself to "get back to normal".

I have found it really supportive this time to book some acupuncture sessions and DH and I took a long look at our diet and made some changes so that we can be as healthy as pos when we start ttc again. This felt like a really positive thing to do (although we have had a couple of illicit pizza and chocolate feasts when we were having particularly crap days! ).

Another thing that helped was that we snuck into our little local church one evening and lit a candle we had taken with us and said two prayers we had written for our lost baby and had a really good cry together. I do find that the grief still creeps up on me very suddenly and poleaxes me out of the blue and I go from being fine one minute to a complete gibbering wreck. It was like that the first time too.

Sorry, I've rambled on a bit, but I just really wanted to offer you some support and maybe some ideas. The way you are feeling is completely natural. Be kind and gentle to yourself and rest as much as you can. xxx

Heathcliffscathy · 12/04/2009 21:56

littlepolly thank you so much for your lovely post. dh read it too. it is inspiring and incredibly helpful. xxx

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Habbibu · 12/04/2009 22:07

Sophable, there really is no hierarchy of grief. Losing a baby is horrible, terrible and heartbreaking, and your grief is so very new and so very raw. What you are feeling is awful but normal. Really really normal.

When we lost dd1 4 years ago, almost (feels so weird to write that) I thought I'd never smile again. I thought that was it - I'd just be sad, and spend the rest of my life sad. And I was sad for quite a long time - she was our first baby, and the first baby dh had ever held in his life, and it broke my heart.

But, like littlepolly said, the thing we did that really really helped was accepted how we felt and what we wanted to do. I was unbelievably angry, out-of-control furious. But rather than fighting it, we accepted it, and it helped us heal. And we talked and talked and talked.

And - this always sounds a bit mad - the day we got dd's diagnosis, we couldn't stay at home, so we went out and spent £200 on comedy dvds. And we watched a lot, just to be madly distracted and forced to laugh - and it really helped. it sounds so callous, but it really was what we needed to do, so we didn't worry about what it looked like, and just went with gut instinct.

The first weeks are awful. Your body is so confused, hormones all over the place, mind so very sad and lost and confused. But the bright patches get brighter, and more frequent, and the dark days less. you will never ever forget your lost little one. But you will find a home for the feelings and the memories, a place for you to live with them.

Heathcliffscathy · 12/04/2009 22:09

jesus habbibu i'm so sorry this happened to you.

i was SIX AND A HALF WEEKS pregnant. it doesn't compare. and yet, i know it was a girl. and i know i've lost her. and there is no logic in that but i feel it every minute of every day atm.

thank you so much for your post.

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keevamum · 12/04/2009 22:11

It's over 3 years now since my 2 m/c's and I wanted you to know it does get easier but you'll never forget, nor should you...I have since had another darling daughter so that does help but because I didn't properly deal with my grief before she came along I suffered quite badly with PND after her birth. So what I am saying in a very clumsy way is it is better to grieve and grieve properly than burying your feelings as they will only come back at a later stage....I am not religious at all but the bit about lighting a candle in church resonates as a lovely thing to do. By the way I also comfort ate following my 2 m/c's and although it isn't obv very healthy it is only for a relatively short period in your life so try not to let that get to you. Big hugs.

Heathcliffscathy · 12/04/2009 22:13

crying now. i can't believe how important mn is again to me when ds was born and it saved my sanity. thank you so much.

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Habbibu · 12/04/2009 22:15

It's not about comparing, soph - I was 21 weeks pregnant - spent a lot of time on SANDS talking to mothers of month old babies who had died, and we all realised that we felt the same. In a way we were really lucky to hold and see dd for that time; we were able to properly say goodbye. An early miscarriage takes away all of that possibility and excitement, all that awareness of just who this little person is and will be.

Your grief is just as valid and raw as anyone else's - there doesn't need to be any logic. You lost your wee girl. It's fucking heartbreaking - it really is. But the pain will ease, I promise, and she'll always be with you, but with the hurt never so raw.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 12/04/2009 22:15

Oh Soph

[hugs all on thread]

Heathcliffscathy · 12/04/2009 22:16

the worst thing. i had a termination in my early 20s. i can still just about say it was the right thing to do. and i don't think i see this as a punishment. but then i've just written that haven't i? i've had babies inside me 3 times. i chose not to have one. i had my darling gorgeous ds. and i lost this one. it's too much for me atm.

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Habbibu · 12/04/2009 22:21

Oh, I'm crying too! I like the fact that I know that despite the fact I can talk about it a lot, there are times when it will always make me cry - I know I'll never forget her. But what made me cry just now was remembering this poor sad man and woman that came home from the hospital and just cried and cried and cried.

I feel still so sorry for that us now, iyswim - we've come so far, and have our wonderful dd2, but I do remember that sad face in the mirror, and the mooching round the house.

And then grdually the clouds lifted, we started to eat a bit better, I was stuffing myself with folic acid, and started to swim a lot, and this also helped with getting better. But for the first couple of weeks it absolutely wasn't what we needed - we needed to mooch and eat cake and be sad.

Habbibu · 12/04/2009 22:28

Oh, sweetheart. That's another thing tangling up in your head just now. You know - you know that there's no rationale behind that thinking. But, it's there in your head, so look at it as coolly as you can, accept that you've had that thought, and put it aside. Maybe you'lll want/need to think it through later, but for now just let yourself be sad for losing this little girl, and don't try to deal with all the complicated rationalising.

CountessDracula · 12/04/2009 23:24

oh soph
Try not to tangle the termination up with this
that was another time and place
They are not connected (other than in your head obviously)

I am so not surprised you feel empty and awful.

I wish I could help

It's a very odd feeling when something happens to you that you know has happened to a billion people before you but you had no idea what it was really like. A very horrible and out of control feeling.

Yes you do need to talk to dh. He loves you. You are in this together.

See you for sausages xx

Heathcliffscathy · 12/04/2009 23:33

you do help

i hear you cd. i really hear what you've just posted.


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