how do you cope with unwittingly insensitive comments about your loss?

[HappyBump]

I've just recently had a miscarriage and a few well meaning friends have made comments that make me cringe ... I want to tell them to "shut up" but I just look at them and say nothing. I know this is a period of my life when I am hyper sensitive but sometimes... these are a few of the comments I received.

1. You know it's better this way said one friend ... just think you could have ended up like my brother who has a child who has cerebal plasy and your life would be so hard ...

(I was gobsmacked at that one!)

1. You know you really should take it very easy if you get pregnant again (implying I was running around like a crazy person which I wasn't at all and it was all my fault that I lost the baby because of over exertion) ...

1. At least you have a child ...

Anyway, sorry I just wanted to vent. I don't mean to upset anyone else by these comments.

Sesiscounting Congratulations. Enjoy your happy ending. I already have one DD so know how precious it all is when it works out. I'm sure you're a lovely mummy - note present tense as I believe you're a mummy from conception.
Thank goodness for MN.

Happybump, so sorry for your loss. I hope you find some support in these replies.

I can only add myself to those who agree with everything said on this thread.
However - like pregnancy and childbirth itself MC is a different experience for every woman or couple. Some of the remarks that others made and affected woman on here found hurtful/offensive, I did find helpful, like for instance the idea that the pregnancy was probably not viable for a very good reason gave me solace. Also the fact that MC is common helped me feel less of a "failue".

My point is: take your comfort were you can get it, and ignore all the rest. I know easier said than done. I do still think of my lost pregnancies often (MMC x4) but in a strange way they have made me more grateful and appreciative of my boys.

I so very much hope that you can feel better soon. Best wishes to you .

a friend of mine who suffered a MC said that she genuinely had no idea of how common it was, and hearing stories of friends/acquaintances/friends of friends who'd had MCs (which they didnt know about before) really helped them both

That was someone else's "dont" on here wasnt it, so it really goes to show that there is no definitive list of what to say and what not to say as everyone is different and needs to hear or not hear different things.

neeko i know just how you feel. im petrified that i will miscarry again. whilst im desperate to have another baby, i dont think i can stand the thought of miscarriage again and not being able to enjoy being pregnant because of the worry. i didnt realise how common miscarriage was either, but i have found peoples comments pretty ok, maybe its because i live in ireland they are very understanding about death and grieving here..

I agree with SalBySea. That list is in general very well put, but it would horrify me to think that because of me a friend or colleague avoided mentioning their own new baby until I deigned to indicate that I was prepared to hear about it.

I think it's just that after a MC we are all more slaves to our hormones than ever before so I guess it totally depends on what mood we're in. I found out last night that another relative is pg and rather than feeling angry I just felt a bit wistful. I genuinely am happy for her though.
I think we just have to go with our feelings and hope we come through this better and more compassionate women.

I too got all the comments,

The very worst though was: We were planning our wedding while I was pregnant, and I had to tell the dress shop so that any dress I bought could be adapted for my growing sise.

I went in for a fitting after the misscarriage and again, had to tell them, as this would mean different adjustments being done to the dress.

The semstress said: "I often find that when people plan their weddings when they are pregnant, they miscarry. Its all that running around!"!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Still not over that one!

Oh yes, and all the usual - its for the best, at least you know you can get pregnant, somepeople try for a year (this from the doctor - so I am meant to feel grateful am I?)

It is different for everyone. After my first mc I took solace in the 'it's common' line and the 'it wasn't meant to be' line. Perhaps it's because that was the only way I could cope with it. The first two weeks I felt like I was living with my nerve endings on the outside of my skin. Everything hurt.

The second time I started to doubt the 'it's common' line, because it wasn't so common and I half knew that a third would be coming. I still took comfort in the 'it wasn't meant to be' line.

By the third time I was resigned to it.

In some ways, the people who made fatuous comments were the ones I dealt with most easily. I just thought, they don't know...they don't understand, and why should they?

The people I found hardest to deal with were people like my sister. She didn't have any children (by choice) and she freaked out completely. She felt guilty because she'd chosen to be childless and I was having so many problems.

My mother also felt guilty having had 6 children and not really wanting that many. I often wonder if she felt responsible for my situation, that I was flawed because she'd had me late in life. She always thought there was something wrong with me and here I was, proving it right.

I had my 4th pg at the same age as she had me and I'm praying my dd won't have my problems. But we all have challenges of some kind and she knows about her missing brothers and sisters and the reasons for their absence.

My 5th PG also led to mc. It wasn't easier, as I always thought it would be BC (before Children). It was harder. Suddenly I hadn't lost the hopes and dreams of a child but something more solid. Something I could picture.

Happybump...I am so very sorry for your loss. You are clearly a fantastic parent. WHEN it happens for you I know you'll find all the joy and happiness in the world and am sure you're new baby will enjoy having a fantastic mum. I don't think you ever get over the slight envy of new mums, til you get there yourself and even then, you may still find yourself looking at new mums who haven't struggled and think 'you don't know how lucky you are'.

Take care of yourself.

Reading through these, I think the main lesson to take is that people don't really need to hear anything.

What they need instead is to be given the space to be heard if they want to say something.

I think saying "I'm sorry and I have been thinking of you," or asking "How are you feeling?" (and then not being offended if the answer is a simple "Fine, thanks") are the safest things to say.

Any attempts at giving advice are fraught with problems. If someone asks for advice, that's different, but I'm always amazed at how people will use someone else's situation to impose an opinion or experience of their own, whether it's a miscarriage, bereavement, relationship troubles, illness - whatever.

People end up saying insensitive things because they are trying too hard. They say things to you that they think might comfort them if they were in your place; we're too eager to try to fix pain rather than just let it be what it is. Some people can't handle emotions at all so they end up babbling possible platitudes. You have to remember all that and not take what people say personally, it's not about you and your situation most the time.

It is hard to get these things right when you're put on the spot. I was suddenly chatting to a stranger the other day about her elderly mother, just diagnosed with terminal cancer. I made the mistake early on of saying something like "Well, at least she's had a good innings" (cringe). I tried hard after that to just encourage the lady to talk about the experience she's going thru watching the cancer progress.

I think even people who've been there are at risk of saying insensitive things, because we might think the things that comforted us may comfort someone else.

It's difficult...and I think Mloo you hit the nail on the head when you said it's hard to get these things right when you're put on the spot. No matter what your personal experiences you can not know how someone else is feeling.

I also try to bear that in mind when people say dumb things which I had to do for years. Coming from a large family I was constantly goaded by my family about why I hadn't had kids already. My brother once asked me if I was barren (that came to bite him on the bum after my first mc) and my nieces and nephews drove me mad asking when was I having kids all the time then asking why I was sticking with one? Well, hello....I wanted them years ago and I'd have liked a brood, but sadly, the great leveller which is miscarriage means that you teenagers can breed like rabbits and me, an old crock, just has to sit by and watch.

Sorry...got a bit ranty there, but it does drive you nuts at times. I cam sympathise with you to a degree, but I can't imagine how you're feeling...