'Due date' approaching... Am feeling emotional / bereaved all over again...

[gingercoo]

that's it really...

1st m/c was March last year and that was devastating enough... By the time I felt I needed counselling I was PG again.
2nd m/c was end of August and that was harder as we'd seen a heartbeat on an early scan...
For due date 1 we had a friend come stay for Christmas, and a plant we were given the day we found out I was expecting is really flourishing - so is a nice 'keepsake' or reminder as it were.
Due date 2 is approaching next week, and we had booked to go on holiday (really expensive cruise as a treat) but am feeling quite emotional and the 'raw grief' has hit again...
We have been TTC since the m/c but with no success, I guess I hoped that we'd be PG again before the due date to give us another focus...
Now I just feel as if the dream of having a family is running away from me... Am hugely overweight, have debts, am nearly 36 and feel that by the time I've 'sorted my shit out', it'll be too late... (And I quit my stressful job after the 2nd m/c as it wasn't helping matters, and am still unemployed.)

Sorry for the whinge, I just needed to get it out. I'm not depressed, had been doing ok and dealing with these issues, it's just the date thing...

Does it get any easier to deal with once the due-date has passed? I just don't want to be miserable on our only holiday this year - and think what might have been already.

Anybody else felt like this or am I just being daft?

"Does it get any easier to deal with once the due-date has passed?" Yes, it does. It really does. We lost dd1 at 21 weeks, and I approached her due date with horrible sick dread. Once that date was passed, I felt I could stop thinking that I "should" be pregnant, etc.

I delivered her in the June, and we went on holiday in the August, which did help quite a lot, but once her due date was past I did feel quite a bit better. Had a molar pregnancy last year, and again felt better once the due "month" had passed.

I'm so sorry for your losses - it's very very hard, but you do find a way of living with it, and moving on.

Thank you for your reply... Am so sorry for your losses too, so devastating...

'Finding a way to live with it'- that's the bit I'm struggling with at the moment...

FWIW, I was 35 when I had dd2, who arrived safe and well, and got pregnant reasonably easily in 2008 (turned out to be a molar, but at least conception wasn't an issue).

I spent the time in between dds 1 and 2 trying to improve my health - taking folic acid, exercise, eating well - I don't know how much of it directly helped dd2 (apart from the folic acid, as her sister died of a neural tube defect), but I know it helped my state of mind to be doing something, rather than just waiting, iyswim?

I do know what you mean... And that's what I should be doing... I'm 'trying' (rubbishly) to deal with weight, debts, finding a job - and all that will help if we ever do get pg again...

I just didn't expect the enormity of grief to hit me again... I thought I was doing ok, moving on, accepting 'what will be will be' etc...

But it's like those feelings of loss have just bubbled to the surface again, and I don't want to go back to that 'dark place' I went for a wee while before...

Oh, you do, and will, go up and down. But you never go quite so deep, and you never stay there as long. And then the gaps between bad days get longer, and longer. You'll never forget your lost babies, but you will find a home for their loss, and it'll be part of the new person you are.

I miss dd1 - terribly, just now, after hearing about David Cameron's wee boy. But in many ways I'm a better person for her little life and death, and for that I'll always be grateful for her. And for wee moley!

Thanks Habbibu xxx

You're welcome. Hope next week goes as well as it can. Be kind to yourselves.