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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Practical Ideas for dealing with Miscarriage

24 replies

littlebellsmum · 24/02/2009 20:20

Dear all
Being a naturally practical and cheerfull person, I am finding very hard to deal with the fog of misery that seems to have descended since I had a miscarriage a couple of weeks ago. At times , it feels like I'll never smile again - over dramatic I know but true.

So, I would love to hear how other people managed to come out the other side - what practically did you do? I did read a suggestion of a helium ballon on another thread which was lovely and my GP (who has had miscarriages herself and was just lovely), suggested planing a tree

Only please don't suggest that we just try again - this would have been our third child (unplanned) and I'm not sure I can convince my DH that we should try properly for no 3

OP posts:
ScorpiowithabigS · 24/02/2009 20:22

I am ordering a necklace for my lost one i will find you the link. I mc'd 2.1 weeks ago, i found that talking to everyone has really helped me.

So sorry this happened to you

ScorpiowithabigS · 24/02/2009 20:23


littlebellsmum · 24/02/2009 20:25

Thank you - thats a lovely idea. I'll love to see the link.
I've not really been keen on talking, which is probably part of the problem - but then as no one knew I was pregnant or even thinking about another child, I felt their reactions might not have been helpful ( utter shock!)
Sorry to hear about you too - how are you feeling now?
I had the "pleasure" of my 12 week scan yesterday , just to check everything had gone. Not nice, really not nice...

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Habbibu · 24/02/2009 20:26

We planted a tree for dd1, and always do something nice on her anniversary. And - this might sound horrible - but we bought comedy dvds just to make ourselves laugh sometimes. Lots of cuddles, treats and being kind to each other.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You never forget, but you do find a place for what's happened, and your lost wee one, and it does get better.

ScorpiowithabigS · 24/02/2009 20:35

Mine was ok, very early mc (5+4), test was negative at the GP on that afternoon as well, when i went because i started bleeding. I havent had to have follow up, as it has just dealt with it by itself .

Only DH knew in RL, my friends know now, mainly so they would know where i was at in my head, and also so they could help me out (have 3dc).

You will come through it x

BoffinMum · 24/02/2009 20:39

I did a little memory box with all the cards and well wishes I had received and some other little souvenirs like pressed flowers from bouquets people had sent me, and got DH to secrete it in the loft in case I wanted to think about it again.

I also had a nice haircut and a few beauty treatments, and bought some pretty clothes to give myself a mini makeover. I allowed myself the usual postnatal period to recover, and was quite gentle on myself during this time.

It is very depressing having a mc, but the fog does lift. I still have a little cry sometimes, even though it was 9 years ago, but it's OK now. I also sometimes have little visions of the baby growing up in the middle of our family, as if he is always there - it's very odd, a sort of third eye thing.

But as I see it, it's all part of that complicated thing we call life and being human. Our personal history and lived experience. It's what makes us three-dimensional.

Love and best wishes, and I hope you feel a bit better soon xx

ScorpiowithabigS · 24/02/2009 20:53

BoffinMum what a lovely thing, the third eye

littlebellsmum · 24/02/2009 21:43

It's funny, BoffinMum, but there are times when I am almost pleased to have had the experience - it will give me a whole new perspective when it happens to friends in the future.
I like the idea of treating myself - I've certainly spent more than my usual 2 minutes on my grooming routing and am making lots of nice food - lots of nuturing type of things

I think the thing that worries me most is the thought of the EDD and I'd like to have a plan in place for dealing with that - that's what I want the idea's for

OP posts:
cmotdibbler · 24/02/2009 21:51

I have a necklace and bracelet from La Belle Dame to remeber my babies, and I've found it a real source of comfort. Mainly because no one else remembers or mentions the miscarriages, and I feel the need to mark those lost somehow.

Spaceman · 24/02/2009 21:56

Sorry to hear about your loss. I had two mc's and for me the only thing I could do to move on was to talk about it to anyone who'd listen (leaving out the details of course). Everytime I thought about planting a tree etc, I just broke down in tears because it seemed so sentimental. Look after yourself and time will be the great healer as always. xx

whistlejacket · 24/02/2009 22:05

Take each day as it comes and be easy on yourself. Great idea to pamper yourself with haircut and new clothes. If there's someone to talk to about it that helps. I had 2 miscarriages and some days I would feel awful, even a while after the miscarriages. Make the most of the days you feel better and the bad days will become fewer and further apart. I still think about what would have been (first mc would have been a 5 year old now), but you also have your two children so experiences like this can sometimes make you realise how grateful you are for what you have. I hope you feel better soon.

fungusmungus · 24/02/2009 22:17

having been there a few times, and by no means an expert, I would really recommend some totally selfish 'ME' time - time to rest, relax, contemplate and reflect and importantly to remember that you & your body are wonderful and that what has happened needs to be healed and not swept under the carpet.
I've planted a climbing rose for one lost one and an apple tree too. I also have a favourite huge oak tree nearby that i often have a few words with & hug (checking over my shoulder that no-one wonders what this loony woman is doing!), but its a space i go to when walking the dog that i can reflect and think, and surprisingly, i dont get too upset - i feel uplifted

I have tried being busy and getting on with things, but get bogged down sometimes and find myself telling myself to slow down & rest.... so all in all, take it easy and be gentle with yourself! my very best wishes x

littlebellsmum · 24/02/2009 22:29

You're right, whistlejacket - I am lucky, I had two fab children and I certainly smile when I'm with them. Oh the other hand, they also remind me of what might have been. My dd (5), would like nothing more than a pink baby to look after and she would have been soooo happy with this news... Ah well, time will heal, it always does.

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BoffinMum · 25/02/2009 09:21

Littlebellsmum, I was pg by the time the EDD came around so that took my mind off it a bit that year. I do think of it every year though, so I am not sure having another baby is always a 'cure'.

I did nearly get a dog in the aftermath of the mc - I came within an inch of it. I suppose another distraction technique would have been to go on holiday, so at least the external environment would have been different.

I was also very upset by the thought that the baby had died a month before the mc and I had been skipping along totally unaware of the fact. It was the thought of the baby suffering and me not knowing that was at the root of it - a very primitive parenting instinct. I talked this through with a lovely cuddly counsellor at work, who pointed out it's more like a light going out than any great suffering for them, and that made me feel a lot better.

I am not sure I am glad it happened, like other posters, but I do feel more wise and human as a consequence, like after I nearly died of pneumonia. It's a sort of realisation of what's important in life.

amelied · 25/02/2009 11:07

Hi Littlebellsmum

Sadly I have had 3 miscarriages, no children.
The first miscarriage we bought a white rose bush the day after it had happened; more to have something to look at and remember by. That summer a beautiful white rose appeared, just on its own. The following year I had another miscarriage and that summer two roses appeared as if to say "Im hear too". I have just had another miscarriage 4 weeks ago and Im wondering if three roses will appear this year - I probably sound like a sentimental ol' fool but it has helped me.

Take care of yourself...

amelied · 25/02/2009 11:08

D'oh - here not hear!! I should really read back the preview message!!

littlebellsmum · 25/02/2009 12:26

What a lovely idea of the rose bush - I'm sure you'll get your three roses this.
So sorry to hear of your three little angels - take care of yourself too
Thank you for posting - it's helping me focus on what I have, rather than what I haven't

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neolara · 25/02/2009 12:31

I've had a number of miscarriages. I have planted a bush in the garden that flowers around the time two of the babies would have been due. I also donated money through Oxfam to train a midwife somewhere in Africa. I liked the idea that out of my sadness I could help someone else to have a happy and healthy baby.

It's not unusual to feel pretty low in the weeks after a mc. It's a horrible time, but you will start to feel better soon.

Forrester · 25/02/2009 13:16

The necklaces are a lovely idea and, as I'm feeling really crappy today I think I might indulge in one just for my own little memorial. Thank you for sharing the link Scorpio. x

wasabipeanut · 25/02/2009 15:53

I chose to avoid the route of a memorial although I do think it can be helpful and is a lovely idea. It wasn't for me however as I didn't want to dwell on my loss. #

I chose to have hypnotherapy and EFT to rid myself of the negative feelings around ttc again and also the birth of my ds. Its been pretty effective in helping me to relax and feel positive about trying again.

I'm on cd1 of my 1st post mc cycle so hopefully I can let you know soon if it works!

littlebellsmum · 25/02/2009 16:38

Good luck Wasabipeanut

Thanks all - lots of lovely ideas.

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mermaidspurse · 26/02/2009 11:19

neolara that is such an utterly brilliant idea,thank you. I have been wondering how to mark my mcs and midwife training hits the spot perfectly.

Thandeka · 20/04/2009 13:45

I think the midwife training is a great idea too and me and DH will do this too.

Thankyou so much.

Bizarrely is currently sold out in oxfam at the moment.

Actionaid do one too but that is £411 and thats a bit too much.

hopingalways · 11/06/2009 23:39

I picked a name for each of the babies I lost, so that I could remember a child rather than a blurred scan or line on a test. Arbitrarily decided they were girls and called them Iris, Freya and Alethia.

I also decided to think of them as children who weren't ready to be born, rather than children who died. If I close my eyes I can see my baby in the back bedroom, which will be their nursery, all cosy warm and looked after. I feel I can visit them whenever I like until they are ready to join us here.

I coped with the feelings of "I'd be showing now", "I'd be starting maternity leave soon" etc by making these thoughts memories yet to come. My baby in my mind is surrounded by golden bubbles, and in each bubble is a beautiful memory that is yet to happen.

Hope this is helpful x

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