Finally feel ready to face things.

[Forrester]

Hello all, I've lurked and added some rather detached posts over the last couple of days as I finally felt ready to come back since I'd had a mc.

I've changed my name because I basically feel really foolish. Here was me, on the pg chat saying OMG I've got a BFP! Going through the first 9 weeks, thinking I've had it ok really! The timing workwise was absolutely perfect and then BAM! Bleeding at 9+3, scan, no heartbeat and total loss at what would have been 10+2. I felt embarrassed to admit (to a bunch of strangers) that the whole thing was shot up in flames. All those occasions over christmas where I look back and think how happy I was to be pregnant, and the fetus had died and I'd been oblivious. I know it happens, but does anyone else feel similar? My good memories almost feel robbed.

I'm also angry; when I started bleeding, my GP told me that I may be miscarrying or not and to just get on with it and if it was a mc, then it would feel like a heavy period (he's a man by the way). I had to fight to get referred to the EPU who were so lovely and told me that you should always be referred for any bleed no matter what. They saw the sac etc, but no heartbeat and were hoping I'd got my dates wrong and sent me away with a rescan date. I lost the foetus 2 days later, saw my GP who ripped up the scan report in front of me as pointless and gave me some paracetamol, telling me to ring the EPU to cancel the rescan. I rang the EPU who again were lovely and asked me if I felt up to going in anyway so they could scan to make sure I had lost it all. Again, their advice contradicted the GP. I really feel like sending in a complaint about the GP- am I being unreasonable?

The EPU also told me to wait until my next AF if I wanted to TTC again, whereas the GP said, you?re at your most fertile now, so it?s a great time to get back to it. I?m also having waves of feeling really poo; just discovered have got AF, bang on 30 days since I started to bleed. I?m having a bad week really. Oh and work now want to send me away in April, if I?d been pg I wouldn?t have been going, and now I?m not, I?m going to have to put TTC on hold until I get back in August. I work away from my husband and that?s really getting me down too, a crap old time of it really. I am so sorry for being all self-absorbed and miserable, when others must be worse off, but its hard not to be dead selfish at this time.

There. I don?t feel better, but I?ve not really vented this concisely to anyone about all this and I now feel depressed and drained, but I?m hoping some of you may feel or have felt the same. X x x x

Never feel foolish. Your words are helpful to me.

xx

Forrester - that GP sounds like a complete w*nker - I am so for you - an idiot like that is exactly what you don't need at a time like this.

I know exactly how you feel - not much consolation I know, but talking about feeling cheated of all the plans for the future and cheated into feeling PG when it was already over - I had that in spades. It does pass, but takes time - just be kind to yourself and don't blame yourself for how you are feeling - let it all out.

As for trying again - my EPU said wait one cycle so you are sure of dates. My GP said go for it straightway - if we need confirmation of dates, you can have an early scan.

My MC was 3 months ago and it has taken all of that time to return to some kind of normality - don't expect too much, just let recovery happen in its own time.

Forrester . I do remember feeling foolish and like I'd failed and lots of "why me" type feelings. Your GP sounds like an arse but unfortunately some medical staff are just so unfeeling in these situations. I know these things happen all the time but (luckily) they don't happen to me all the time. For me, it was the sonographer who scanned me and said "oh, hang on a minute, I just need to fetch someone, I think the baby might be dead" and then ran off out of the room and left me and dh in there for 10 minutes

I really hope you start to feel better soon ...

I agree, the GP was being a w*nker, and you should complain to the practice manager about being treated like that.

My first mc was a very missed mc, and I felt so crap that when we'd been so excited and imagining the baby growing, there was nothing

The thoughts of what would have happened now if you hadn't mc'd can be very hard. I still mourn the EDDs of my lost babies - although no one else would ever be able to tell you what they were

It is fine to TTC straight away, and I did sucessfully after my third mc

Scorpio- I just read your thread- here to talk if you want to. x

When I read about others I want to cry, Tillyscoutmum, how did you not punch the sonographer?

Thank you all- its nice in a wierd way to see others have felt the same.

hi forrester, i share a lot of your feelings.
i'm just having my third miscarriage, after a successful pregnancy in the past (my little boy is 18 months old.)
the first miscarriage was easier than the second, as with the first one i was able to dismiss it as "just one of those things". the second seemed terribly unfair and really knocked me back. as for the third...well, i just don't know what to think now, but i'm determined to keep positive.
I've had very mixed, and mainly negative, experiences with my GP - the attitude seems to be very dismissive. with my second failed pregnancy, i asked for a "reassurance scan" (offered in many areas) and was told i'd have to go private if i wanted one. The GP's advice was to "travel hopefully" until the routine 12 week scan. well, if i'd followed her advice, i'd have had a really horrible shock at 12 weeks, when there would have been no heartbeat. i did pay for a private scan at eight weeks, which revealed a missed miscarriage. that was hard enough to deal with, but at least i didn't go a full three months under the illusion everything was fine...i suppose what i'm trying to say is that GPs can be absolutely crap and unfeeling about this, and i really sympathise with you. hang in there x

hello everybody im new on here but wanted to say how i feel the same. Ive just had my 3rd miscarriage in 14 months and feel drained emotionally and physically, its so hard to know where to turn next. Miscarriage is a very lonely thing to go through because its happening to you alone. Its hard to imagine life without all this absolute pain and worry but we have to try to remain positive and strong to get where we want to be. Im luckier than most as i have a ds who s 3 but desperatly would love him to have a sibling. There are good and bad days and its a comfort to hear other peoples stories when the going gets tough, these threads have got me through the past 4 weeks.

Its perversely lovely to talk to people who feel the same, my heart goes out to all of you.

Does anyone else feel guilty about DH's/DP's? I feel that I should be making sure DH is ok and talk his feelings through, but if I get upset when he talks about it, he feels guilty and tries to be 'strong' instead. I know men say they walk on eggshells around their wives/girlfriends when this happens and I really don't want that to be the case for him.

My DH is keen to do physical things like cleaning and going back to work; sort of hunter gatherer thing i think. He doesn't really know what to do with me, but he is cuddling me alot which is all i need.

I want him to talk, i think he is worried about setting me off.

Your GP tore up the scan? WTF???

I agree with what everyone else said and totally relate to feeling like a tool (my DP was very excited and couldn't help but tell almost everyone he knew at work, which is totally connected to my work...)
and i understand the yukkiness of having to mentally tear up all those plans you had been making. i was SOOO happy to be having a summer baby i can't tell you.

You'll be ok though - with the help of good friends and family, a few bottles of wine, some nice cheese and lots of tears when you feel like it. (my personal prescription!)

And from what i have read on MN (which must be nearly everything by now) when to TTC again is a very personal choice without any right or wrong answer. If AF ever fecking shows up I will be this month but I 'knew' it wasn't right for me to before. Others have hopped right back on straight away and not looked back.

Glad you have found this place. Has helped me loads although I am now in need of MN rehab. way too addicted...

I was in Sainsburys last night and found this:

EMERGENCY CHOCOLATE
for immediate relief of: Chocolate Cravings, Lovesickness, Exam Pressure, Anxiety and Extreme Hunger.

Direction for use: Tear open wrapper,, break off desired dosage and consume. Alternatively massage into the affected area. Repeat dosage as required until finished. If symptoms persist, consult your local confectioner.

Brilliant! I shall add it to my need for pancakes and maple syrup to help my uncontrollable sadness.

My husband was on a night out last night. The last time he was out at this particular place I'd rung him to tell him I'd got a BFP (all the way back in december- it feels like eons ago). He rang me all sad with the memory of what will not be, I've never produced so much tears in such a short space of time. I think memories robbed is a totally accurate description.

Definitely got to go away for 4 months- and be apart from my DDH, so won't be able to TTC until Sept 09, which is rather gutting. Its the old time waits for no man (for this read woman) thing.

Emergency chocolate sounds a great idea. I'm 3 days post ERPC at 11 weeks and I'm finding mini eggs a great help at the minute.

My GP is rubbish too, I changed GP only about 2 months ago as I was still registered at a lovely GP practice that was miles away and thought I ought to get organised. I had to fight for a 2 week sick note, bearing in mind my ERPC was booked for the middle of the 2 weeks. I need to figure out a way of finding out who is the best GP in the practice for me to see at the minute.

How do people cope with miscarriage without Mumsnet on hand 24hrs a day to answer questions?

Must go the mini eggs are calling me!

Sorry to hear about your ERPC Gracie. At our surgery there is a doctor with 'an interest' in reproduction, fertility etc. Maybe there is one at yours too. Am with you on the mini-eggs.

My GP is apparently and 'expert' on contraception. That might explain why he is clueless about miscarriage! I asked him if I needed Anti-D, follwoing the mc given that I'm RH Neg and my DH Pos and he didn't know but said I'd be fine. I now worry that maybe it won't be fine.

What was funny in retrospect was when he said to be in a pseudo sympathetic voice- how did you know you'd misccarried, was there lots of clots? I sarcastically replied, "yeah because foetuses do that- disintegrate into blood. There's lots of other stuff that comes out too you know and not only is it agonising, its emotionally traumatic too." He looked a little shocked and asked me if I needed any time off work (bearing in mind I saw him at 0900 on the Monday having lost the sac at 2200 on the Sunday) I said, what do you think?! I got the rest of the week off, which I needed I can tell you. I didn't want to be in work still bleeding heavily. See told you I was angry (climbs off soapbox and slurps tea.)....

forrester - just wanted to let you know that I am also Rh neg and the doctor told me if you miscarry before you are 12 weeks then you don't need the injection but if its later on you do. Something to do with your body not producing anti-bodies until after 12 weeks. sorry for your loss x

Thanks Lizzie x