Keep crying when having to talk about my miscarriages - advice please.

[LobstersLass]

I had two early miscarriages last year, one in April and one in June. I've told very few people about it and haven't really spoken about them since - other to re-assure people that I'm feeling fine.
We haven't tried again because I didn't think I'd cope if I had another miscarriage, so we decided to wait until I felt strong enough.

I thought I was getting better. Less sad at least. But today I went for a smear and had to talk to the lovely doctor about the miscarriages. I ended up crying about it all over again.

Is this normal? It's 6 months ago? Will I ever be able to talk about it without crying? Should I go and see someone about this?

I thought that I was ready to try again, but seeing as that I can't seem to speak about my miscarrages without crying, perhaps I'm not ready.

Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

It does sound like you still need time to heal from your experiences. Would you consider counselling? It can be very effective. I'm so sorry for your losses and I hope you find peace soon.

Have you seen this website? www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/

There is nothing wrong with crying over your losses
Do you want to talk to someone about them?

Your reaction is completely normal Lobsterslass. It takes time. In my experience you also don't need to be 'over with grieving' before conceiving again. Your babies are all precious to you. In different ways.
There is another great site here www.babyloss.com/

Thanks for your messages ladies.

I don't know if I want to talk to someone about it. I just want to stop crying about it.

It's completely normal - even when I could type about my miscarriages really easily, I would cry if I had to talk about them. In fact even now nearly 3.5 years after my last one (and with a healthy baby in that time), I have to be careful talking about them as I will cry if I've had a glass of wine or haven't had time to prepare myself

I conceived DS 4 weeks after my third miscarriage - we had decided that if we waited to be ready, we never would be

Oh cmotdibbler, you've no idea how helpful your message is. Thank you for sharing that. I read it out to my husband and he agreed that you sound very wise.

You know, what got me through the whole miscarriage thing was typing with people on the internet. My RL friends and family didn't know what to say/got it totally wrong/just wanted to ignore it all. Hearing other people tell me I wasn't mad for grieving, and identifying what I had been through was everything.

I'm glad to be paying some of that kindness forward now

I can't tell you how much your messages mean to me. Thank you so much. xxxx

lobsterslass. So sorry you are still hurting so much. It is as miserable experience to have to go through.

It is normal to hurt for a long time.

Personally the only thing that took away my grief was to get pg again. The getting healthy and getting my body/mind ready for another pg was what kept me going each time and i had a lot of m/c.

We are all different in the way we react. But I found that having something to work towards like getting myself fit and strong for the next pg gave me a sense of control that I could do something to help myself. And i didn't feel so helpless and hopeless

The first one was the hardest to get over.

Good luck

Kitty and Cmot
Thanks for the advice to just get on with getting pregnant again. I feel like a light bulb has just switched on above my head. I can tell that I have just missed the right time for this month but will definitely focus on exercise and look after myself etc because you're absolutely right. It's not like there is ever going to be a day when it's not scary to try again.

wasabipeanut I love your name!

Lobsterslass sorry you have been feeling so blue. I hope you are feeling a bit better today. I agree that talking to others isn't actually helpful. I have actually talked about it to quite a few people and have often wished I hadn't because now i feel a bit like everyone is thinking of poor sif. crappy things always happy to her. I don't want to be that person. I must learn to self edit better when i talk to people (and when i post...)

sif, that is part of the problem - not wanting people to be thinking of poor me. I've only told people that had to know.

I think a bigger part of the problem is that I'm seeing this as me failing at something. And it doesn't matter how often people tell me that it's not me feeling, that's how I feel.

I was also on the verge of deciding that I didn't really want children, and I felt that was the correct decision to make. It meant that I'd stopped being upset. See, if I don't try again, then I can't fail again.

Then I had to speak to the doctor about it yesterday and all of a sudden I'm devastated again. I suppose that means that the decision was very wrong. Oh God I don't know what to do!!!
I really don't think I could go through it again and I honestly think it would be easier to be deliberately childless than to cope with failing again.

My head is a mess.

I would simply leave all your options open and make/ change your mind about what you want to do as often as you want to.

Just because you decide something doesn't mean it's set in stone.

Lobsterslass - I know how you feel after my second mmc we decided that that was it - no more children ( I already have a ds thank God). This made it very difficult in hindsight to get over the whole mc experience because I also felt that I was grieving for all the children that I would now never have.

Needless to say we did try again 12 months later and I have since had 2 more mmc's (going through one as we speak). However, these have both been easier to deal with and have actually brought us closer together as a couple. This time we are also considering whether to try again but after 4 mmc's I think maybe one last time and that will have to be it. I am finding that this whole ttc/mmc thing had taken over our lives too much over the last 2 years and we should maybe be thankful for what we have already. I can understand how this decision could be very difficult if you have no children yet.

Cmot-I know totally what you mean about talking to people about it. Easy to type (thank goodness for mumsnet) but just when you think you might be getting over it you fill up talking to someone. I hate the thought of being pitied too but have found that everyone in work knowing helps as there are no careless comments made ( I kept the first 2 mmc's secret apart from close friends).

Sorry for the long post.

Your posting name is very appropriate! You're a very wise woman.

That last post was meant for kittywise!

teachertalk, thanks for posting. Sorry to hear about what you're going through. Take care of yourself.

I have only had 1 mc but I'm afraid pretty much every man and his dog knows about it as I was in the hospital for a while

I don't think people will be pitying you, they may well have had similar experiences but not told you before

I am sorry for your losses and I would say it is completely normal to feel the way you do.
six months is not a long time especially when you think that a pregnancy is 9 months long.

I always found that I had the due dates somewhere at the back of my mind and have used them as a sort of 'ritual letting go' iyswim
not that it eradicates all sadness but sort of gives it boundaries

good luck with whatever you decide

I don't want to hear about them though Eldon! Frankly, I'm having enough problems dealing with my own let alone having collegues confiding in me about theirs.

Sorry I wasn't trying to suggest that you tell people

Lobsterlass, so sorry for your losses. IME in time you will not "get over" them but find a way to make them part of the whole person you are, IYKWIM. God, I make no sense at all, sorry!

I found helpful to think of my MMC (all early, thankfully) as lost pregnancies, rather than babies. In fact, even now I find it harder to refer to them as "babies" (even in typing). Doesn't make any difference to the bare facts of losing the chance for a child, but somehow allowed me a bit of emotional distance.

Also, I was most astonished how many women, some of which I only knew v vaguely, like friends of my mother's, or neighbours I only had a nodding relatinship with, came out of the woodworks with their own stories of miscarriages. I never new how often it happened and had never considered it could happen to MOI!! So felt comforted by the sheer numbers.

Thirdly, with time I found if helpful to talk about my MCs, just BECAUSE there is this sense of failure and there really shouldn't be!! A healthy ongoing pregnancy will stay put under the most adverse circumstances, but when it is not to be, you could stand on your head with your legs up and it would still go wrong. Do not blame yourself, please.

Just to end on a positive note (and sorry for long rambling): I had 3 MMCs, then DSs 1+2, then MMC, then DS3.
When your ready, do not think of it as "TTC" if you can, just enjoy what is necessary to do (yes, you will have to have sex ) and who knows what can happen?!

Lots of positive vibes sent your way. Hope you feel better very soon. And no, it has not been a long time for you to recover yet.

Eldon, I'm sorry for my post. I didn't mean to snap at you. Sorry.

Mummyfor3, thanks for your post. I think I really do need to work on stopping thinking of it as a personal failure. No idea how I do that, but it's something that does need to be resolved.

lobersterloss- i first discovered mn when having my second m/mc, it has been a lifesaver throghout my further pregnancies.

I have now had 4 m/c but have 2 ds's and am pregnant with a third, it has all gone suprisingly quickly now, but the early pain of miscarriage is relentless. I have never fully gotten over my m/c not in any way, but I am stronger and count myself lucky for appreciating what i have that much more.

we do live in a lucky time as science is on our side and i felt stronger trying for a baby after being tested, i took asprin for my second pg, even though there was no real evidence i needed it, i also did meditation and yoga which really helped my mind and focus and strength, but it wasn't till my fourth m/c that i had a karotype test done, (a blood test) which found the cause of my m/c's a chromosone problem which an be helped through IVF.

you will get lots of support here, I hope you feel stronger really soon.

Lobsterslass sorry for spelling mistake