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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

i need to talk about this - the house is full but so silent and full of eggshells

23 replies

scardypants · 11/01/2009 20:55

I don't know what I expect from writing here. I have a house full of well-meaning family and friends but I can't talk to them. I keep finding myself saying 'oh I'm ok, these things happen' when in reality I feel like screaming my head off. I feel like I'm falling apart and I want someone to tell me it gets better before my heart completely breaks.

I was on the 'due Sept' thread but had to go for a scan in the EPU on Friday morning as I had pain and discharge. They couldn't find anything on the scan but my hcg level was 5000 so told me rather matter-of-factly that I was going to be admitted and would be having a laparoscopy to try to find the sac. If they found it they would do a laparotomy to remove it. 'IT'

My first feeling was fear of the anaesthetic. All I could think of was my dd. She's 8yo and I was terrified I wouldn't wake up, i'd never see her again and she'd be left without her mum. Because of that fear I didn't have time to think of the emormity of what was happening, my baby was going to be taken from me and there was nothing I could do about it.

When I can around I was in excruciating pain even with the max amount of painrelief they could give me but I slept alot. When I woke the following morning, yesterday, the consultant came to see me and told me the baby was growing in my tube so they took the tube too. He said I was lucky to have found out so soon as the tube was distended. I know he was right, I know if it ruptured I could have been in real trouble but it was just such a cold and clinical way of explaining the whole thing. He said if I felt up to it I could go home so I did.

Now I'm home and I feel empty. I want to cry and scream but my dd didn't know about the pg so I can't cry or she'll get scared. I feel like my heart is going to burst. I'm bleeding and cramping and I'm not pregnant any more. I was two days ago.

Everybody is looking at me so pityfully and I'm trying to hold it together but I'm lost in the worst place I've ever been.

We'd been so excited to get a BFP on boxing day. We'd been TTC for nearly 18mths. I thanked God when I saw the two lines and now I feel angry. I trust God and I don't want to be angry but I can't help it right now.

OP posts:
TooMuchNoise · 11/01/2009 21:03

No advice I'm afraid, just didn't want you to go unanswered.

It sounds horrendous, I can feel your pain in your post. Remember they're all there because they love you. Grab your DH and find a chance to cry.

VJay · 11/01/2009 21:06

Oh scardypants I am so sorry for your mc, I have had 2 and the physical pain I could deal with it's the emotional pain that's so hard. You are being so brave in front of everyone, but you do need time to grieve and let it all out. Unfortunatly mc is so common and the doctors and nurses treat it so, when to an individual mc isn't common, and it all feels so unfair. Being angry is very natural right now , I was very angry too. I do feel for you right now.
Take care xx

scoobi6 · 11/01/2009 21:06

So sorry for your loss

Why not ask some of those friends and family who love you, to take your dd out somewhere lovely and spoil her while you and dh have some time to yourselves.

naswm · 11/01/2009 21:07

oh scardy - I do feel for you. You poor poor thing.

I wonder if you could talk to your dd though, at 8 she may be mature enough to 'understand' and hiding your severe distress could worry her?

You poor poor thing, I hope someone with some rl empathy comes along soon with some more comforting words

in the meantime, HUG xxxxxx

morningpaper · 11/01/2009 21:10

so, so sorry for your loss

scardypants · 11/01/2009 21:23

Thanks everyone

dd is in bed now and just my mum and dp here. I think I need to hide away and cry alot. I can't bear to think about tomorrow so one day at a time and .............

I don't know

thank you for your thoughts.

OP posts:
naswm · 11/01/2009 21:25

crying is good. hiding away is not so good. But, for now, do what feels 'best' which is probably nothing at all...

HUGS and LOVE xxxxxxx

nkf · 11/01/2009 21:29

Poor poor you. I'd say you have to stop trying to be brave and just be as miserable as you feel It will get better but it's a horrible time.

Wonderstuff · 11/01/2009 21:43

sorry for your loss. It must be very difficult to put a brave face on in front of dd. I made the mistake when I had a mc of trying to bounce back quickly and not give myself permission to grieve. Only when I did this and accepted that it wasn't 'just one of those things' I was able to feel less sad. Thinking of you [hugs]

AmIOdetteOrOdile · 11/01/2009 21:46

Poor you

I can't offer anything useful, other than to say that there are many people here who may be able to provide some solace.

Notreallycutoutforthis · 11/01/2009 21:53

Couldn't read and not post - a friend of mine went through the same. I'm so sorry for your loss. Ectopics are awful and scary and I hope you give yourself lots of time to process this.

Quattrocento · 11/01/2009 21:59

I am sorry for your loss. Really sorry. It must be agonising not to be able to talk and cry. Do you think you might be able to talk to your daughter? They are funny little things at 8 and capable of great understanding and empathy.

You mentioned that you had lost a tube. You might already know this but losing a tube does not reduce your chances of conceiving again by as much as you might think. Your other tube can apparently swoop across. I'm not explaining it very scientifically but that's my understanding. After losing a tube I went on to have two children.


MrsHappy · 11/01/2009 22:04

You poor, poor thing. It's an awful experience, I know.

You must cry if you need to, and if you cry in front of your DD honestly it won't hurt her. Mummies are allowed to be sad sometimes.

Quite apart from the physical pain and the shock your hormones will also be all over the place. It may take a while until you feel normal again. Take your time and go easy on yourself.

I don't know if you have found it yet but you might want to visit Ectopic Pregnancy Trust website. They were an absolute godsend when this happened to me.

Finally, I can promise you that this absolutely does get better. I can't tell you how long it takes - grief is personal and not a linear thing - but I had 2 ectopics last year and I can honestly say that, heartbreaking though it is at the time, you will get better and life does go on. The anger is completely normal too. So, if you get them, are the disappointment, the sadness, the mood swings. But honestly your heart will stop hurting so much in time.

scamperT · 11/01/2009 22:07

scardy I am so so sorry for your loss, and for the sadness and pain you are feeling now. I had 2 mcs in Feb and July 08, and I can well remember saying 'its one of those things' over and over, when really, like you, I wanted to scream.

It sounds like the whole thing was such a massive shock because it happened so fast. You will take time to grieve, and I think that anger is as much a part of grieving as sadness (it was for me anyway).

It absolutely WILL get better honey, not meaning that you 'get over it' as though the mc never happened, but just that the pain does become less all consuming 24 hours a day painful.

I would say, its ok to be angry and sad, take as much time as you can to just look after yourself, and keep posting on really helped me so much to be able to open up to people who truly understand. Also, the Miscarriage Association have been helpful to others although I never got around to calling them myself.

Thinking of you xx

scotlass · 11/01/2009 22:55

Scardy, i just wanted to say how sad I am for your loss.

I haven't had an ectopic but have had 3 mc's in past 18mths and have a DD who is 9yrs. I never told her about any of them. The 1st mc was whilst on our dream holiday with my parents and friends in disneyland and it took all my strength to keep it together in front of them all before dissolving into tears every night. 2nd was a mmc and had to have an ERPC - I didn't tell her mummy had an operation just that I was off work for a while as I wasn't feeling well. DH's gran died the day we were told about the mmc so she put our tears down to that and the fact I wasn't well. 3rd time was early on so coped better. Basically I felt she kept everything normal - chattering away in her normal way and I didn't want to have to deal with her grief on top of my own and also didn't want to have to try and explain why some babies don't make it while others do when I couldn't make sense of it myself. I'm 25wks pg now and obviously had tell her I was pg but I have to be honest I did say sometimes things go wrong because I'm a complete paranoid nervous wreck. I just wanted to share my experience of dealing with an older child after mc.

You'll never forget the LO you've lost and people will ask how you are but not really know what to say to make you feel better - the I'm fine's I'm sure are fooling no one but they'll feel so helpless and sad for you. It hurts like hell inside after mc but you will slowly lose the raw pain and learn to deal with the dull ache.

Take care

scardypants · 12/01/2009 12:50

Morning all,

Thanks so much to all of you who have left words of comfort and encouragement and to those of you who have shared your personal experiences thank you for having the courage to do so, it has helped me hugely and given me hope.

I had a good, long cry last night. A primal sort of cry where I thought I might never stop the noise and tears and pain but I do feel slighlty better.

I'm just going to have to take it a day at a time and feel my feelings and trust that there will be brighter days.

heartfelt thanks to all of you.

OP posts:
MadMarg · 12/01/2009 14:41

I'm glad that you managed to get through yesterday, Scardypants. I am horrified at the way you were told and treated. Fortunately for me the woman who did the scan for me was so gentle and caring. Perhaps a bit too gentle - my DH didn't realise at first what point she was making. But for me, being allowed to leave and then trying to come back was an absolutely horrible experience. I wish I had been able to have the medical procedure (tablet) straight away, instead I came back the next day, waited for over 4 hours - you couldn't make an appointment for this, to be told that they only had space for 2 people and so I had to wait until the following weekend.

I felt so awful with my mc, that I just didn't know what to do. My DH was trying to be supportive and be there for me, and to me it felt as though he wasn't showing any emotion, which stopped me from being able to break down in front of him. He had to go back to work the day of the scan, and fortunately for me my DS had an incredibly unusual long nap, and I just sobbed my heart out. I needed to cry in private, really. I couldn't even talk to my family, told my sister by text and told her I would call her when i felt able to talk, which turned out to be about 5 days later.

The baby would have been born on boxing day, so I had this little niggle of unhappiness all through Christmas and New Year.

But - even though it felt better for me to cry on my own, I only realised recently (having a row with DH) how badly that affected him. I am pregnant again (not had a scan, so still feeling really hesitant and nervous) and he said something along the lines of me crying two tears and then it was like it had never happened. Sadly, we were both grieving on our own, and just never managed to connect. I thought I had told him how I had just had a bout of hysterical crying after he left and small bouts over the next few weeks, but either I was mistaken or he was in the middle of his own grieving and just didn't hear it. Either way, we really botched up with our communication and made it harder for ourselves.

So grieve how you need to for yourself, but just make sure that you reach out to your DH at some point, even if it just to show him that grieving is ok, and that you both need to grieve in whatever way helps you. If you don't want your family there, just ask them if they could please let you grieve on your own, and that you will talk to them later when you feel strong enough to. Sometimes it's easier to talk to them on the phone than in person, tbh.

Daynee · 12/01/2009 17:46

Scardypants & MadMarg: Thank you for sharing your stories and I totally know how you are feeling. I hate hate hate that I can't seem to focus very well and I'm quite depressed these days. I just recently had my 3rd mc on New Year's day. We had seen the heart beat and everything and the dh and I were so sure this would be the one. We picked out baby names (well, we did that with the other 2 too!), we told everyone, and I even bought new Christmas stockings and wrote "Mom" and "Dad" on them with glitter glue! I felt like such a fool.

Now I'm working (as a teacher) and going to school for a Master's and all I really want to do is run away for a little while - maybe 4 or 5 months?! It's hard for me every day to do what I need to do because I don't want to wait anymore. The waiting is agonizing because you still don't know what will be even when you get pregnant again.

I do not have any children and this makes it a bit more scary because I don't know if it will ever happen. Of course everyone says it will and there isn't a woman in my family or in my husband's family that hasn't been able to have children, so why should it be so difficult?!

Well, next on the agenda is a whole list of blood tests and then we'll go from there. Already done the HSG and the chromosome tests and nothing wrong. Just waiting and waiting to take those tests....

Thanks for letting me vent and share my story.

As for a piece of advice - there isn't a thing I or anyone could say. The only thing that will ease the pain is perhaps good pizza, a good movie, and time...

scardypants · 13/01/2009 18:17

Hi Marg and Daynee,

I'm so sorry to read your stories but I have to thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing them with me. This has been the loneliest experience of my life despite the fact that I haven't spent a minute on my own since Friday morning. It's a feeling that doesn't go away no matter how many people are around me but here on this thread I know I'm not alone despite the distance. Thank you so much for that.

Marg I spoke properly to dp for the first time today about it and I can tell you we were heading down a simular path to the one you described in your post, total miscommunication but thankfully we're both on the same page and I think we can help to support eachother better now we've talked. Congratulations on your pregnancy, I wish you the very best of luck and happiness throughtout and for the future.

Daynee I did a very simular thing - I bought pg books at 5weeks which now sit in my bedside locker beside the positive tests that I can't bring myself to throw away. We talked about names too. I never dreamed anything would go wrong and everytime I look at them now I feel like a fool too. I think we can be a bit hard on ourselves too sometimes though, I mean we should be able to get excited and not spend the first trimester or more fretting. It's natural to be excited and to plan especially when it's something so yearned for. I wish you so much luck over the next while whilst your going through the tests and of course the very best outcome, a lovely baby for you and your dh.

Keep well all and stay positive and thank you so much for helping me during this very hard time. Take care

OP posts:
MadMarg · 14/01/2009 10:30

I'm glad I've managed to help you Scardy and Daynee.

I was thinking about this after I posted - and I remember what helped me the most a few days later. One of my friends who I did tell, was so wonderful. Instead of getting all soppy and emotional instead she got upset and angry FOR me. She was so angry that this awful thing was happening to me, and REALLY mad that the hospital made it worse. It was so wonderful letting out the emotion with a good, healthy dose of anger - made me feel so much stronger.

Odd, maybe - but it really helped me.

MadMarg · 14/01/2009 10:31

Oh, just adding that its not that I didn't like the soppy and emotional - but that I was managing soppy and emotional quite well enough on my own and didn't need anyone else's. The anger helped me get through to the next stage.

Wonderstuff · 14/01/2009 18:08

Just wanted to come back and recommend a book that helped me a lot - Miscarrage what every women should know by Lesley Regan, she runs the largest mc clinic in the UK and it is frank and factual but very sensitivly written, I found it reasuring to read and get some idea of the reasons why mc happen, especially when I was ready to try again. Take care of yourselves (hugs)

Daynee · 15/01/2009 15:47

Hi Scardy - You're absolutely right - we SHOULD be able to get excited about our pregnancy - it's only natural. Have you had many mc's? I'm wondering if you feel less excited after the 3rd or 4th. All 3 times I was so excited. I tried to keep it in and not tell anyone and I tried to downplay it, like, "We'll see what happens..." But I was totally optimistic all 3 times and I just couldn't imagine it would happen again... and again. I wonder how I'll feel the next time. I guess the dh and I don't have to pick out baby names since we have a whole list compiled already.
You mentioned you have an 8yo. Did you wait a while to start trying again?
One darn day at a time...

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