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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

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Funeral next week

6 replies

prettyfly1 · 07/01/2009 14:05

We discovered missed mc early december - lot of confusion over dates. Was offered erpc but wanted to do it naturally = baby size onyl 11 weeks so was told would not be nice but not too bad. Ended up delivering a foetus developed too much later, having repeated surgery and started to heamorrage mid december. Funeral next week. I had to leave hospital and start work two hours later, my partner and family were a bloody nightmare - he stayed at home every day for three weeks while i did everything, ruined christmas and i as a slef employed bread winner had to carry on and deal with the integration of my lovely but incredibly difficult step son with no breaks or time until after christmas when i said we would seperate if the constant pressure did not lessen. I still have nightmares, look like a normal person in the daytime but cant sleep properly am moody, anxious and cant even mention it without crying. There was a pregnant girl in my class last night and i felt like i had been kicked and i feel sick every time i think about trying again but at the same time feel so empty nothing else will fill the void. I feel like a crazy person and yet i dont feel like i can grieve anymore. when does it get easier. I feel like a failure (lost job through redundancy for second time in year in december and trying to start out on my own) and i dont know how to cope with everything when everyone expects and needs me to get on with it and be fine. sorry for the rant.

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clarey2311 · 07/01/2009 14:33

Hi prettyfly, so sorry to hear about your loss . You have come to a good place on these boards, they have been getting me through the last week or so. It's my first post. I had some light brown bleeding on Xmas eve and found no heartbeat on a scan last Monday - baby was measuring 9+6 - I had ERPC on New Year's eve and it was the right decision for me. Bleeding is still continuing though, so I don't know if I'll have to go back. I didn't ask for the scan pic but now I wish I had. I know what you are going through re not sleeping and feeling crazy. I thought I felt fine given the circumstances but it is only last night and today that the delayed shock has set in and I can't stop crying out of the blue. Please do carry on posting here and reading the stories, there is so much hope, strength and support on mumsnet and we must never give up - I believe we'll all get there in the end. In the meantime go easy on yourself, you're not a failure on any front! Time will heal, that's what I tell myself. Sending you big (((hugs)))

prettyfly1 · 07/01/2009 14:39

thanks so much. i didnt want the scan photo either and tbh i dont think i could bear to look at it. i wish i had had the erpc in the first place with what went on later. i keep asking myself what i did wrong. I saw the baby after it was delivered and it looked fine so i dont understand. i know i never will but its so hard and terrifying to think about doing it again.

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AuntyFlo · 07/01/2009 15:22

Wow, What a time you've had
It does take time to get over something like this and on top of this you've had the extra pressure too - very overwhelming.
I'm sure you feel like your being suffocated by life itself because of what's happened.
I've no real advice for you. Only to say that as the old cliche says, time does heal and you will come to terms with what's happened.
It's a question of putting one foot in front of the other and I promise the clouds will lift.
I hope typing your experience at the moment has helped you and that in some small way the replies help too.
Thinking of you. x

JaneLumley · 07/01/2009 15:33

One thing is pretty certain: you didn't do anything wrong. Don't blame yourself. So maybe you did have - I dunno - a glass of wine or something; lots of women do that and nothing goes wrong. It's just good and bloody stinking and unfair.

This is horrible and no-one in the medical profession is ever willing to look into it properly, but it just happens from time to time. I found this infuriating when I lost a baby. Was this your first? It's much more common to lose a first baby and most go on to a successful pregancy next time. I hope you do, you're not a failure either because of other nasty and miz things going on.

I didn't get over losing my first baby until ds was more than 1, but the absolute agony abated a bit. In some ways it's changed me permanently. But you are you and things may go otherwise for you.

clarey2311 · 07/01/2009 16:16

I agree with JaneLumley, it's nothing you did and you must stop the self-blame. My friend is 17 weeks pg and there is nothing more the doctors can do for her dad's cancer - she is under tremendous stress and drinking far more than the recommended amount of wine per day but pg is carrying through fine. I quit drinking before conception, didn't get stressed out - it still happened. 90% of mcs are chromosomal abnormalities. Even if you wrapped yourself up in cotton wool and stayed in bed mc will still happen if it is destined to.
Better luck next time, you must try again and with luck things will go smoothly. I am 35 and scared that I'll never hold my own in my arms, time is not on my side, but I'm going to get down to it as soon as next AF comes. And I'm reading success stories from older mothers here. Most of my friends who have children now have had 1 or 2 mcs, it's amazing what I found out when I went to share my experience with them. Keep faith and take care.

prettyfly1 · 07/01/2009 16:44

It has really helped to hear your stories and to get my own out. It wasnt my first mc but definately the worst and i do have a 3 year old - so i am luckier then many. He is lovely and my joy but yes i do feel suffocated by life at the moment. I am not glad that other people have been through this - i wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy but i am certainly grateful for the replies and wish you all the luck in the world getting the babies you deserve. clarey - 35 is not that old - it is harder we all know that but my mil was 44 and had my partner so it is possible. THinking of you all. xx

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