how do you think your mc has changed you?

[shreksmissus]

Message withdrawn

I don't know really. I've had 6 m/c in all. It just made me want more kids and realise how fragile life really is.

thats how i feel too. i feel that my mcs have robbed me of ever being able to enjoy pg again. i cant relax when i get a bfp and am always waiting for something to go wrong. i too have put my lifeon hold, but in the same breath the people who used to nudge and wink if i felt ill now ask me if its something ive eaten. people avoid talking to me about their ttc plans (even though i am a font of knowledge now) because they are uncomfortable with my ftc status.

No, you can't relax but you do just have to get on with it.

you do, but ive found that i have lost my innocence about it. and that makes me sad

Message withdrawn

Message withdrawn

I lost my baby at nineteen weeks in October. I have learnt things about life in the last nineteen weeks that I never knew before - like an intensity of grief that is mind blowing. I also learnt that it is possible to live through it cos there aren't many other options... I wonder what it would be like if I got pg again - it might not be very likely; I am 39 and our baby was an ICSI baby. The process to get him to nineteen weeks was extremely fraught - I bled four times, including one severe loss at seven weeks that lasted two hours and was just sheets of blood. Awful. I know that I won't relax for a second if I ever managed to get pg again - to be honest, that thought of that anxiety again makes me feel sick.

I feel pretty much the same as you shrekmissus. Only I've very recently got to the point of finally deciding not to ttc anymore. I need to stop focusing on potential children iykwim, and focus on the two boys that I have. I'm finding it hard to do though. Going to have to relinquish my Fertility Friend membership to stop myself checking all my fertility signs and charting them all.

I am fed up with myself being so envious about other's announcing their bfp's. And even worse I am fed up with being angry and judging people (in my head, not out loud to them) if I think they are somehow less deserving of a bfp. How mean am I?! I need to stop all these self destructive feelings.

I have had a 14 week miscarriage and a 36 week stillbirth and just can't do the whole pregnancy thing again.

springblossom - i just want to say I'm so sorry for your loss. I conceived my five month old son after two miscarriages and then two years of infertility that included two attempts at IVF (among many other things). I was a "poor responder" and basically was told to give up, my ovaries were shot, but amazingly I fell pregnant again naturally and it stuck.

I am 39 too and I really feel for you. If I didn't have my DS now I don't know what I would do. I guess I would be living with it, like you said, because there's no other way.

I really hope you get lucky. (sorry if that sounds trite.)

Thanks, I hope I get lucky too, but trying not to put everything onto whether I have a baby or not. Especially as I think my partner is terrified our life will dissolve into a total focus on this to the exclusion of all else. It's difficult though - he has two children. They are lovely and live with us, but it's not the same as having a child of your own, as I am sure you can imagine. Trying to cope with a late miscarriage and deal with StepCh was really tough.

I don't know how we'll face up to IVF/ICSI again - it's soooo hard. Just trying to get through the festive season and think about the spring without spending too much time thinking about getting pregnant. I'm glad you've got a darling boy - it's good that it works out sometimes!

I have only had 1 confirmed m/c (another suspected but not confirmed) but i still feel hollow inside, like i am not allowed to be fully happy. it was 2 years ago and i was only 10 weeks but you realise how fragile life is (as someone has already put) and i have a lot more feeling now for women who have been thru m/c especially women who have had more than one. Its a harrowing experience and what i saw and went thru flashes thru my mind at least once a day still

I have a lovely ds3 since the m/c and i did feel some kind of closure as far as the number of children i now have goes, however i can't hel[ but wonder what it would be like if my other one had been here.

Hi ladies, so very sorry for all our losses, it just doesn't seem fair. After many mc's and a mmc i dont feel my life will ever be complete until i have my baby in my arms, life has stopped really which i know is not a healthy place to be in but being a mummy is everything and i dont seem to beable to see past that. Merrylissiemas, i agree the innocence has been lost, a bfp is great but i never believe it's gonna work but i do so hope!!! Lets hope 2009 brings all our dreams true.
Takecare.
XXX.

I'm too scared to hope. It took several months before I felt I could TTC again. I'm pregnant now, 10 weeks, but until my scan I'm just too scared to hope, or feel happy. I had a MMC, which had actually happened really early, basically at implantation stage, so the whole time I knew I was pregnant, I wasn't really pregnant and didn't find that out until the 12 week scan. Now, I just wonder, am I REALLY pregnant?

I've only had one, 15 months ago and not conceived since, I now feel like that was our only chance of a child. TBH I think my mc has just made me a sad and slightly bitter version of the Claire I used to be.

Hi Claire, i am sorry for your loss,i too regard myself as bitter and certainly not like my old self before all this happened, sometimes it's as though im so angry with whole world!!!! I think when i had the mmc something inside of me changed, such deep sadness and pain that i still can't get out of really. Have you had investigations with regards to your fertility such as the use of clomid etc...to help you conceive?
Congratualtions Merrymadmarg, i realy hope this works for you, could you not have an early scan to help put your mind at rest?
Takecare.
XXX.

I had a mmc in April discovered at 12 week scan and it was just devastating. Until then I had no idea how common mc is and how much you can grieve and feel loss for someone you've never met. It has to be one of the worst things to go through. I then had a suspected 2nd mmc in June. Unfortunately they were never able to tell me whether it was a 2nd or whether the op from the first one was incomplete. I found that really hard too as I wanted to know if I was grieving for one child or two.

I wear a thumb ring now to ensure my lost baby/babies are in my thoughts. There will always be a part of me grieving.

I guess the answer is therefore that it has changed me a huge amount.

However, as a result, I found MN in May and don't know how I'd have got through those dark times without the support of some really lovely people on here. Also, I became much more aware of ttc and dos and don'ts. It was quite difficult getting the balance right as I still tell myself that I did nothing wrong first time round but I do want to try and do everything right IYKWIM.

I'm also pleased to say that I'm v lucky and now pg again. Am 22 weeks and still keeping everything crossed that I'll have a happy healthy baby in my arms in May.

Shreksmissus and all you other ladies, reading what you wrote is like reading my own thoughts. I am so sorry for all your losses.

Mc has changed me in the same way. I don't have children yet and had two mcs in 2008, in Feb and July. DH and I have been ttc since August but no BFP yet. i think about it every single day, for most of the time really, altho I do have moments when I feel like my old self - like a sudden chink of light - and I have good times too, its just that the losses and deep desire to be pg feel like a constant companion.

Like many of you, I have times feeling bitter and unable to be truly happy for friends announcements of when their little ones are expected (had another one tonight). Also times of blinding anger and foot stamping. And that hollowness which can't be filled with the things I used to fill my life with before.

But still I am hopeful that I won't always feel this way, and also feel that life is too too precious and short to feel sad the whole time.

Perhaps to say that we learn to live life differently than before, but that it can still be wonderful, is the most that any of us can do. I don't know - maybe I will feel differently with more time and experiences.

My heart goes out to you all, and anyone else reading these messages who knows the same pain. Here's hoping 2009 brings us all peace of mind in one way or another.

ses and merrymad remember that these are different pregnancies which in all likelihood will finish with a bawling bundle of joy for you both.

xxx

Sue10 - I tried to have an early scan, and my midwife filled in the application form but the hospital refused it, and only booked the 12 week one. I can't just drop in for a scan because the wait can be hours, and I have a 21 month old DS who would go mental at being cooped up for that long.

Oh well, two weeks to go until I know whether everything is ok.

m/c'd at 19 weeks on 11/26/08...it was my 1st child...did everything right, got the degrees, got married and i finally thought i was ready for a bb...after 12 mths trying i got pregnant...
b4 the m/c, i was cheerful,my friends would always come to me for a mental boost...

since i lost my angel at 19 weeks, i've become emotional, and withdrawn....
I'm a christian and i prayed and i'm convinced this happened for a reason and i will have children but i just can't forget what happened...

i can honestly say that i lost my innocence, the sheer amount of blood i lost will forever plague my thoughts...can't seem to forget holding him..looking perfect...as if he was sleeping..

the doctors could not give me a reason why it happened...i was told everything was fine and they thought it was an incompetent cervix...
i can go on and on...
my husband is wonderful...but he doesn't understand that i'm still mourning my angel...

Hi Ziki, I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I lost my baby at nineteen weeks too - it seems so unbelievably cruel to get to five months and then have a miscarriage. I didn't even know the term 'late miscarriage' existed until it happened to me... My partner has been very supportive too, but I find ten weeks on I feel very alone in my grief. I know I am the only who feels it the way I do (I mean amongest my family, not other women who it has happened to.. they obviously know exactly how I feel, thank goodness.)I can function perfectly well but everytime my mind is not completely occupied with something else I am immediately back into waht happened. I can't find any sense or reason to it though I have really struggled with the sense that I must have done something wrong or am being punished for something...

Thinking about holding your tiny baby is heartbreaking. I think about it all the time too. xxxxx

I really get a lot of strength from reading all your stories even though they are sad. It makes me feel like I am not alone having had 5 miscarriages. I also try to believe that it will happen to me again sometime ( I have one daughter aged 3). My husband thinks I place too much emphasis on getting pregnant but it is so hard to think about anything else although to the outside world I am fine!

I just want to be the person I was when I got pregnant and had two beuatiful children without a moment's anxiety, full of joy, anticpation and love.

All i feel now is bitterness, hopelessness, envy and hollow.

And terrible that I can't just be grateful for the babies I have and switch of this need for just one more.

My insides hurt and my heart aches when I see a pregnant belly or a new baby. Pregnancy announcements make me feel sick whilst a plaster a sunny smile on my face and say, don't feel bad for me, I want my baby not yours.

All this pain after 4 cycles of ttc, 2 mcs at 6 weeks and now af today.

I cannot imagine what those of you with later mcs and stillbirths are suffering. There is no sense or reason ladies, but however trite it sounds, I respect and admire all of you for coming through this - it helps not to be alone.

(I called my mum needing some support today to be told she was just on the way out for lunch for a friend)