For those of you who have suffered recurrent miscarriage, how do you prepare yourself mentally for the next pregnancy?

[neolara]

Following my fourth mc in October, I saw a consultant yesterday who said given my mc history and age I only have a 30% chance of each subsequent pregnancy being successful. As I wasn't really expecting to be given such poor odds, I was a bit shaken up by that.

I'm very lucky to have 2 dcs already so I don't have that absolute desparation to have another baby that I did following earlier mcs when I only had one dc. However, I have always wanted to have three kids and will probably keep on trying.

The real question is, how can I mentally prepared myself for the (strong) posibility it will go wrong again. How have you managed to deal with this situation? I didn't find the last mc as hard to deal with as no 2, but it still took two months of being very, very sad before I started to feel more human again. I'm not sure how many more times I can go on getting pregnant and enduring more losses. I feel that if I can just think about it in the "right" way, I may be able to cope with the future better.

I have had 7 mcs and an ectopic, so 8 losses in all. I must admit that a bfp in this house doesn't mean much now..I almst expect it to go wrong....I seriously don't have any advice on how to mentally prepare yourself without being too pessimistic..i guess I just now see the bfp as a potential rather than a certainty of a baby ifykwim (by the way i do have 3 dcs and dd3 came after 4 mcs..so ther's always hope). Good Luck!!

For me i get as physically healthy as i can possibly be.
Lose weight, take vits & folic acid, cut out sweetners, tea, coffee, improve my diet, dont drink alcohol for 3 months prior to ttc.

This way i know that i have done everythingt that i possibly can do to make my body the best place for a pregnancy...i know in my own head that there is nothing that i did wrong to contribute to the loss.

Then i dont know, mentally i am a wreck, anxious, unsettled worried all of the time.

Sadly also i do not allow myself to be excited, make plans or tell people. This is sad because its like i am robbed completely of what normal people who have normal pregnancies have and are entitled to at the begining.

Tis tough and shit and hard.

I have had 3mmc and a chemical and before ttc I ask myself if I am ready to deal with whatever the outcome is. When we get to that stage we go for it. Also, like deanychip, I get myself physically ready, part of that is acupuncture. Also I have changed consultants and this time being treated with steroids (for NKC), metformin (for PCOS) and progesterone upon a bfp. So I feel much more positive about the next pregnancy all round. So sorry about your losses. sx

One ectopic, then ds, then 3 mcs. Still waiting for an appointment to see a consultant.

But still ttc and AF due this week. If I get a bfp then I'll be pleased but that is all. I'm afraid that the only way now that I can approach another pregnancy is to ignore it and be thankful for my gorgeous boy.

i have had 7 confirmed mcs and 1 ep and tbh the idea of getting pg again fills me with dread. i now just try to pretend that its not happening, im not really ttc, just having unprotected sex on the right days. im not really counting the days til my next period, im just keeping an eye.

neolara, watching this thread with interest as i've been having the same thoughts as you. i've had two miscarriages since the summer and just got my period following a D+C last month. So that means we will probably be trying again in two weeks time. i've no idea how i'll cope with a third miscarriage but for the time being i'm trying not to build up the next attempt into too big a deal. I think the poster who suggested seeing a positive test as a "potential baby" has good advice. this time round i'm going to try to be as detached as possible if/when we get a positive pregnancy test. easier said than done though. the other thing i'm not well prepared for psychologically is the prospect of it taking a while to even get to that stage, since my last two (failed) pregnancies happened at the first attempt. i have one DS who is 17 months and i'm not too ancient so i'm optimistic i can do it...

Thanks all for your replies. I think deanychip summed it up pretty well in her final sentence.

Certainly keeping a degree of detachment helped me deal with this last mc. And the "potential baby" idea is also helpful. Will start the health regime after Xmas.

Wishing all of you the best of luck in this bloody tough business of getting a baby.

I have had 2 mc's this year, and had a BFP this weekend. I am feeling quite detached from it all at the moment, and am just trying to take it a day at a time. Me and DH aren't really talking about it or allowing ourselves to get excited, which is sad, but it's the way it is now. Good luck to you all xxx

I am in this boat too. Its an awful place to be isn't it?

I have 2 wonderful children to be thankful for and they are also a boy and girl....so everyone (esp my my mother in law...) wants to know why we keep trying (2 mcs in 3 months)

I don't have a clue how to approach this next 2ww apart from a sad detachment that feels like I have lost 2 babies but also the prospect of ever enjoying what (if it ever happens) will be my last pregnancy.

The joy of the bfp is no more in our house. No due dates, no age gaps....just potentials.

As neolara says - its a bloody tough business this

love and christmas wishes to all x

Hi all. Just wanted to update you that I had an unexpected Christmas present of a bfp today. I tested early because I wanted to know if I should be avoiding all the Xmas treats of champagne, blue cheese etc so I know it could easily go wrong in the next day or so. Kind of wish I hadn't tested because I know and will have to deal with it all. I'm feeling quite hopefull at the moment but really don't want to get excited as it will just make it worse if it goes wrong.

Wishing you all a very happy Christmas. XXX

Congratulations Neolara, I had 2 m/c and have just had a baby. As the other posters have said its sad you can't be joyful in your pregnancy and for me denial was the key. This is not without its pitfalls though, I was not prepared at all for the arrival of our little fella and didn't really acknowledge his arrival until he was placed in my arms.

A friend, who had suffered multiple miscarriages also recommended that I put a nutmeg under my bed at night and under the pillow during the day. Its an old myth that it protects the baby, she gave me her nutmeg on my 3rd and only succesful pregnancy. I just put it under the bed and left it there.

good luck with your journey and take each day as it comes.

do think it's an individual thing, and i don't know what the right thing for you would be - can only say that I'm ignoring it all - not that i recommend it but it's the only way i coped.

I ignored all sorts, avoided getting emotionally involved with being pg, as like you neolara i had around 20% odds of success. I didn't take any notice of due dates, and didn't have any early tests. At the most extreme i didn't have scans in the first 14 weeks, because on another occasion i got very hung up on early scans and then the "empty" screen totally freaked me out. So different things work for one person at different times, iyswim.

All Very hard. And very difficult to explain (for me) i am so glad that lots of others are able to put it so eloquently. Just wanted to say i'm another one who's been here, and i wanted to send you some virtual strength or something. No matter how hard, to me it was worth it for as long as i felt strong enough. make sure you get plenty of rest and stuff, and stay strong.

and congrats neolara.

everything x'd for you

Congratulations neolara. I also found that avoiding thinking about due dates, etc helped. I also avoided those week by week guides to pregnancy like the plague that tell you how the baby is developing.

On a positive note though, I did confide in a couple of good friends who I knew I could trust to keep things confidential, who comiserated with me each time it went wrong and celebrated with me when I finally had my baby safe in my arms...they really were massively helpful for my state of mind. x