My friends' baby is due in Feb 2009 when mine would have been. Anyone had the same experience?

[AuntyFlo]

Hello everyone. This is my first time posing a question for any of you who can help.
My friend is due her baby in Feb 2009 - when mine would have been and it's getting more and more difficult to meet up with her as her bump is a constant reminder of what I would of had. We both haven't discussed this but I sense she finds this difficult too.
Furthermore I had a second m/c in November and haven't wanted to tell her as I know she'd take this badly.
I make the best of it when meeting up with her but as soon as I get in the car I always cry.
Of course I feel happy for her but am dreading February to be honest!
She'll want me to go to the hospital to see her which I feel under pressure to do.
If anyone can give advice or tell me their experience then that would be really helpful

Hi there AF,
i dont hink i can really help but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. My friend has just had her baby and i am expected to visit her later this week, i am dredding it and know she will say would you like a cuddle and i will have to say yes but the truth is i DONT want a cuddle with her baby or visit her really but i think we just have to if im being honest. Like you afterwards i cry which i think is only natural. No real advice im afraid other than try to be brave/strong and know that you are not alone and think that one day hopefully it will be us with our baby's that people are coming to visit.
Takecare.
XXX.

Hi AuntyFlo - we lost a baby at 20 weeks which would have been due in June, and one of my best friends was due almost the same time.

The first thing I would say is I'm really sorry to hear about your m/cs, I hope you're not feeling too awful? Have you talked to anyone about the second one?

As for your friend, you say that you think she's finding it difficult, do you think she'd be upset if you just said 'look, I'm finding it quite difficult to be around you at the moment, I'm really happy for you having your baby but I need some time to process all my emotions before I can talk babies again'? I don't think it would be unreasonable of you.

the other thing is especially with your most recent m/c, it must all be so raw still, that I wouldn't worry about February right now. You might find by then that you don't feel so awful about it, and can face going to the hospital. And if not, surely she'd understand?

In my case the most helpful thing I found was to recognise that my sadness and tears were completely normal, and I was completely entitled to feel sad. But when it came right down to it, I didn't want my friend's baby, I wanted mine, and that's what I was upset about. Nor would I want her not to be pregnant - she was just a reminder of what I'd lost.

You need time to get over this, don't push yourself to do more than you can handle. You will feel better, but for now you need to feel that sadness, it's all part of the process of getting better, iyswim.

You say you haven't discussed it with your friend, do you think it might help if you did? Then it might not be the unsaid thing between you, iyswim.

Hope this rambling post helps a little bit

Sending you lots of courage and hugs

xxxx

Hi AF, I have had 2 mc's, one in June and one in October, and there is a work colleague due the same time as the first baby, then my step sis is due the same time as the second. It is so hard, but I just keep thinking that it will be my time soon enough, and that keeps me sane xx

hi there
i would of been due the first week in jan and my sis is due in feb
tbh I dwell on my due date, I cry all the time and cant think of anything else
I feel so empty however there is so much support on MN

hugs to you xxxx

Wow! Thank you both so much for replying so quickly.
In answer to your questions WhatFreshMistletoeIsThis, my partner, Mum and sister are the people I talk to about the 2nd m/c. My other friends don't know about this either. The friend I'm talking about is my closest.It hit her hard when I lost the first in July and I don't want her to remember her pregnancy as being an upsetting time because of my experience. I want her time to be positive and happy whence me not discussing any of this with her even though I'm sure she would...
I know she would understand about me not feeling up to visiting her as you rightly said but I don't want to hurt her feelings.
I'm sorry to hear about your experience, truly, I know how much that must of hurt you.
It's such a personal thing.
with warm wishes and lots of thank you's!

I really did think I was the only one - that's how it gets to you. connecting in this way and getting feedback from you all has made me realise I am not alone, and I know that sounds like a cliche but it's true.
The months come and go and we all have to do our best to put one foot in front of the other. My thoughts are with you all and by all means get in touch if you want top ask me anything about it all. If it helps you then it helps me too Big Hugs to you all xxx