Im really struggling today

[sue10]

Some days i seem to be ok yet others im a wreck, like today. It's another year and my dad takes his grandchildren to see the christmas panto (tonight)(christmas tradition)and i still have no children to take. I just want to be a mum, im in so much pain (not phyically) and dont know what to do really. I cant afford the treatment such as ivig or humira so that leaves no other options. I feel i just want to open my front door and scream for someone to help me but i dont really know i expect them to do!

[JollyPirate]

(((((((sue10)))))))))))) Sending you a virtual hug

Miscarriages are awful - I really struggled to get pregnant and when I eventually did it all ended 8 weeks later with a miscarriage.

Finally at the age of 37 (when I had just about given up) I fell pregnant. Couldn't really believe it until DS was delivered though. Needless to say no more ever came along. DS is 6 now and I just thank whatever powers that be for my good fortune in having him.

Xmas is a bloody awful time of year because it's so child centred and a big fat reminder to those of us who have experienced infertility that we haven't passed the great test of femalehood by producing a baby.

Am assuming that you have had all the initial investigations. Do you have a reason for the lack of baby? Mine was Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and the reason it took me till 37 to actually produce a baby.

[ScummyMummy]

Sorry to hear this,Sue10.

[sue10]

Thanks ladies for your replies.

It's always nice to hear of a positive story JP, the moment he was placed in your arms must have been amazing. Ya right christmas is awful as each year we hug each other and say this will be the last christmas on our own but it's another year and we are on our own!!!! Have had many mc's, am hoping to have chicago tests level 2 carried out next year which will give us more answers. The past couple of years i have been preg at christmas which really helps but i wont be this year as thought it was for the best but now im regretting this decision as feel so lost and empty.
Anyway sorry for waffling on and thanks again for replying.

[JollyPirate]

Hang on here Sue10 - there's lots of others on the Conception threads who understand how crap infertility is - even worse when you look the number of women who fall so effortlessly pregnant.
Stay positive - there's so much research going on into miscarriages now and ever more answers and solutions. Just try to believe that a baby will eventually happen for you.

[muddyboots]

Really feel for you, although I can't really imagine how hurt you must be feeling. I've only had 2 miscarriages (was lucky enough to give birth to a beautiful boy 3 months ago)but can remember how upseting Christmas was. I'm sure that one day you'll look back on this time and it'll all be worth it.

[scamperT]

sue I feel like that too. I have only had 2 mcs, both this year, but am not sure how I would cope with a third or more. I guess I would just have to cope, like so many women do, but God its so bloody hard! I don't have children yet either and like you all I want to be is a mummy right now. Its an invisible pain which is hard to explain to people who have not felt it themselves.

Guess if you did open your door and scream for help and I turned up then we'd be in a bit of a pickle, because I don't have any words of wisdom, but just wanted to say I hear you honey

((hugs))

[snoopdog]

sue,

we have spoken before (i was j j)

have they given you any reason?

did you go on the lwh trials?

your dp loves you no matter what,

big hugs

[sue10]

Thank you so much for all your messages ladies, i really appreciate them all.

Congrats MB, how lovely.

Scamper, your so right in that the pain is invisible, thanks for hearing me though, i sure needed to be!!!

SD (jj) possible high nk cells but am going to CARE at Nottingham early next year for the full monty so to speak (level 2 chicago tests), so hopefully i will have thorough answers and possible solutions. Didn't get on the lwh trials as i already take steroids so Quenby said i did not fit the criteria!!!!!!! How are you doing?

Thanks again everyone, i have now started to come out of the dark place i was in when i first wrote this post on the 9th Dec and am feeling a bit more positive. I think that now im having my period i know that it is impossible to be preg at christmas so i know i have to just get on with it and hope that it really will be the last christmas without my baby.
XXX.

[sue10]

Hi again,
i have just been to shops and bought baby present for friend who has had baby girl, i am due to visit her this afternoon at 3pm but am already getting myself in a pickle over it!!! I just dont know if i can keep up all the smiles and gooing when im dying inside of the pain from my own problems. I hope i am strong enough to keep myself together until i leave her atleast. I just can't think of a way how to get out of the visit!
Sorry for waffling, just neeed to express how i am feeling as i cant actually tell anyone.
XXX.

[snoopdog]

((HUGS))

sue

it must be impossible to keep up the smiles,

i am not sure i could be that brave,

does your friend know of your troubles?

i am sure she would not be offended if you couldnt make it for a while,

any news on your treatment?

[sue10]

Hi snoopdog,
i couldn't do it, it got to 2.30pm and i just couldn't face going so i made out i was caught up at work in a meeting!!! Am suppose to be ringing her this evening to arrange another date! Im gonna have to go next week and just get it over with. She has no idea how many mc's i have had as as soon as she or any of my friends turn pregnant the relationship alters, i guess they change as they are so excited and i guess i change as dont really want to to talk babies all the time. They wouldn't understand as i know myself when i AM pregnant im always sooo happy, it's as though ya in a bubble. Not sure what to do as yet. I've been thinking of getting some anti-depressents but as we are now considering adoption i dont think mental issues such as depression would be good on the form, it might go against us.

Am waitng for care at nottingham appointment next year for chicago tests level 2.

Sorry for waffling and many thanks for replying.
XXX.

[Daynee]

Hi Sue - I was just wondering how long you've been trying? You mentioned adopting so I was curious.

[sue10]

Hi Daynee,
ttc for a few years now and had many mc's, am having level 2 chicago tests at CARE Nottingham soon aswell as looking into surrogacy.
Best wishes
XXX.