Shocked and stunned - need some advice

[Jools1]

Sorry - long post but looking for advice / support and it looks like I am in the right place I hope you ladies have some wise advise for me - have had a m/c today and am scared, shocked and numb

background -

First pregnancy - just celebrated my 39th birthday on Sunday, having a long weekend in Cornwall. Was 11+4 today and looking forward to my first scan this afternoon

Saw some jelly like stuff and brown blood that evening - worried but no more the next day so was hopeful. Very very thirsty during long journey home - unusual. Found watery red blood when wiping that night - utter dread set in and I convinced myself my sense of smell had gone and boobs were deflating. Started feeling guilty about the paracetamol i'd taken to get rid of a headache that had raged for 5 days and the small birthday glass of wine I'd sipped at over 2 hours Sat night

no bleed overnight, but had a small clot this morning soon after I got up. Put a pad on and sat quietly. Cramping and backache reached slightly worse than normal AF levels.Lots of stuff when wiping - some dark, almost black blood and some red

Lunchtime - cramps intensified - felt a gush and pad was soaked with watery red blood. From then on, I couldn't move from the bathroom - was dripping like a tap and passing large clots Terrified - phoned midwife who sent me to gynae A&E because of sudden and extreme blood loss. Continued to bleed out and lose fist sized clots over around 4 hours. They were worried about my BP but have let me home for the night as internal exam shows pretty much everything gone. Still cramping and bleeding - got to go back tomorrow for a scan to check for retained products.

Questions:

I've been reading some old threads and a lot of people talk about bleeding less heavily for a couple of weeks ? How long do you think bleeding will go on if it started this quickly and heavily ?

I hate the thought that the foetus could have died weeks ago I guess there is now way of knowing when ?

What next ? I have tomorrow off as annual leave - should I get signed off after that, or try to carry on ? I don't know what to expect - am just numb at the moment and in shock from the suddenness and terror of today

Can I do anything to try and stop this happening again ? - I know it can be one of those things and many people have been through this more than once - I'm 39 though and am worried I don't have time to potentially wait to miscarry twice more before any tests are done. What can I try and ask for now that might prevent this happening again ?

I don't have any "product" for them to examine - apparently I should have been asked to bleed into a bowl so they could collect and test what was passed but I wasn't, so my baby was flushed away

If you get this far, thanks for reading and any advice would be greatly appreciated x x

Hi, I'm really sorry for your loss, and what you are going through.

Unfortunatly, you can never tell how long the bleeding will go on for, but usually the heavy bit is only a couple of days.

You're right, theres no way of telling when the foetus died.

I'd have the rest of the week off, and see how you are at the weekend. Some GP's recommend 2 weeks off, but tbh, I just wanted to go to work so that my brain was occupied

Theres nothing that you can do to prevent another mc, and unfortunatly its pretty impossible to get any tests after 1 mc

The only test that they would have done would be to check for a molar pg, but in my only natural mc (had 3, but 2 I had ERPCs)they weren't bothered about seeing anything

first of all so sorry to hear you going through this

if it started this quickly and heavily it may only go on for a week or two (or that is how it was with my first m/c)... the only thing is that it may be

IF it died weeks ago the only real way to show is to get a scan - but that can be pretty horrendous (it'll involve probably going inot your antenatal ward and may be inconclusvie).

I would stay off work as long as you need to - the pain/bleeding is likely to leave you quite weak so take time out ..the emotional fall out is much harder to deal with - you just need to take your time. ANd ok the "product' has gone but that baby was your baby and its still remembered by you.

Re prevention -they won't test til 3rd m/c but i would recommend reading up on it - I am a massive fan of zita west so recommend getting hold of one of her books or go to the clinic (its pricey) or to one of the preconceive sessions that you can get in neals yard . YEs I know it sounds new age but it works.

and just something to hearten you - I had 2 m/c and problems with my third baby but now have a beautiful dd (I am 36). I also know someone who had 2 healthy babies at 42 and 44 plus 2 mums in my antenatal group are you age or older so don't give up hope.

sorry quick post before bed but hugs.. and take your time xx

sorry - only thing re bleeding is sometimes an erpc is needed to clean out retained tissues.

Hi Jools, so so sorry to hear of your loss . I was on one of the conception threads with you when you got your bfp. its just so unfair. I myself am still having my miscarriage but was early so can only imagine how you are feeling.

Please please dont blame yourself or feel guilty. This has absolutely nothing to do with a glass of wine, paracetamol (which is safe in pregnancy) or anything else that you have done. I know this is probably not much comfort thou.

I think that you should book the rest of the week off and then re-evaluate how you are feeling by the weekend. Give yourself some time to greive and rest. If you are at work you will only be distracted and bottle things up which will make you feel worse.

I found out i was pg on 16th oct started mc on 19th oct (5 weeks). I am still having brown spotting. Not sure if this is normal so have been looking thru threads and everyones experience seems to be different. hopefully for you most of the products have gone.

Im sure that nothing i say is really going to make you feel better right at this time but every fear and worry going thru you head is completely normal and there is no reason why you cannot go on to have another healthy pregnancy.

hope that you start to feel better soon and again so sorry that you have lost your special litle bean.
A

jools i am so sorry sweets,

i have been there 3 times and it is heartbreaking,

you will need time to come to terms with what has happened,

i will try to answer your questions as honestly as possible,

Questions:

I've been reading some old threads and a lot of people talk about bleeding less heavily for a couple of weeks ? How long do you think bleeding will go on if it started this quickly and heavily ?

• bleeding varies, my 1st m/c was like a heavy period, most gone in the first 2 days, 5 days of lighter bleeding followed, my 2nd was lik the tap you describe, lots and lots of fresh, red, lumpy blood, i was checked for retained products and sadly there was and i was back and to for 7 weeks, make sure if you get the all clear tomorrow you do a pg test in about 2 weeks time, this should show neg as if all the tissue has gone, there will be no hcg hormone left, my 3 m/c i blead slowly for 2 weeks, and that was after a d and c,

I hate the thought that the foetus could have died weeks ago I guess there is now way of knowing when ?

-no, but from what i know it is likely baby stopped growing a while back, this will have had nothing to do with the paracelamol or the small glass of wine, sometimes, when a pg stops progressing it can take your body a few weeks to catch up/realise, also, i this is awful, but if it was recently, and you were 11+ weeks you may have noticed/passed the pregnancy sac/baby,

What next ? I have tomorrow off as annual leave - should I get signed off after that, or try to carry on ? I don't know what to expect - am just numb at the moment and in shock from the suddenness and terror of today

-this is a very individual thing, i went back after a week and i fell apart, i had another week off after that, mc 2 i had to have a week off as i was in hospital, m/c no 3 floored me, i was off about 5 months in total (i was further along than the first 2, we had seen the heart several times and i was on treatment after the 1st 2, so i convinced myself i would never had children)

Can I do anything to try and stop this happening again ? - I know it can be one of those things and many people have been through this more than once - I'm 39 though and am worried I don't have time to potentially wait to miscarry twice more before any tests are done. What can I try and ask for now that might prevent this happening again ?

-it is unlikely to happen again, i know you wont believe me, i didnt, and it did happen to me again, but most people do go on to have a baby in thier next pg, there is a thread on here called ttc after mc and there is one about emms angels somewhere, they will help you over the next few weeks to come to terms with what has happened and also to help you on your forward journey,

I don't have any "product" for them to examine - apparently I should have been asked to bleed into a bowl so they could collect and test what was passed but I wasn't, so my baby was flushed away

• sadly they dont do any tests until you have suffered 3 m/c, i know too well, you can, if you have an amazing gp ask for basic blood clotting tests to be done, if there was any 'product' (hate that word) they would have not tested anyway, we fought to get baby 3 tested and he was fine, no problems at all, very sad

i hope this has helped, if you want to know anything else, i will try and help

big ((hug)) for you and dh

Thanks Cmotdibbler - I kind of knew the answers to a lot of those questions but was hoping someone might have a magic wand !

Poppy34 - encouraging stories - thankyou. I shall read up on Zita West - have heard her name before.

I'm being given an appt for a scan sometime tomorrow, so am collecting a list of questions to ask. I think this is in the Gynae A&E bit rather than antenatal, which will be a relief.

Thinking ahead to getting back to normality - I'm a big gym / aerobics fan and can actually use this horrific day as a positive to consider returning to my pre pg levels of exercise and fitness (I had carried on, but at a lower level) - Exercise always helps me with depression, so I need to get back to the gym but the question again is when - I suppose I just need to take it a day at a time and see what I am capable of

How quickly do you get your pre-pregnancy figure back ? I'd like to help it along if I can, now I don't have an excuse for looking fat

Hi Jools, very sorry to hear your news.

The shock is I think a very normal reaction - I was on auto pilot for days afterwards when I had my mc (7 weeks so earlier than you) and it took a good while before the emotions hit me - Id resist going back to work too soon. You have lost a lot physically aswell as emotionally and need to look after your self. I went back quite fast and then got s orun down it just wasn;t funny - easy to throw yourself into work and ignore your body's demands.

MN saved my bacon a few times too as there are lots of ladies who understand what you are going through. Please take care and good luck.

PS re bleeding I think everyone's different but it does seem to carry on for longer than AF for most people.

Cross-posted there - thankyou Sneakerpimp and LovelyMonster - I remember you well

if you do want to read up jools, try lesley regans book on m/c

this is also a very interesting read

here about periods returning

this is a great website with lots of questions and answers on

wow - what a fantastic mine of information - THANKYOU

Jools, when I miscarried last year I bled for about 10 days but it was only quite heavy for the first day or so. The rest of it was pretty much like a period. Everyone is different. I was also upset that I didn't know when my baby had died. All they could say was that it had probably never developed properly, which in a way was a comfort to me.

I know someone who had her first baby at 42 and second at 44, and someone else who had a miscarriage then a baby at 40 and second at 42, so please try not to worry too much about your age. If it took you a long time to conceive, make sure your doctors know because if you start trying again and it hasn't happened with a certain time limit, they may be able to start doing tests - as I had been trying for nearly a year, even though I had only had one miscarriage, my doctor was prepared to start tests. (Luckily I did then fall pregnant.)

I would definitely take off the rest of the week, and next week too if you feel you need to. It's a horrible physical and emotional experience and you must do what feels right for you.

I got Lesley Regan's book about Miscarriage which was quite useful. If I knew where it was I could send you it but unfortunately I think it must be in a box somewhere in the loft.

It's a horrible time and you need to give yourselves the time to grieve and come to terms with it. It sounds like a crap cliche, but it does get easier in time.

Take good care of yourself, and your partner. I'll be thinking of you. xxx

hiya jools how is it going? re exercise I know they say its ok if you're used to it but imho I think it helped that I switched to a lower impact type exericse (pilates/lighter gym work out as opposed to heavy duty training with south african manimal type) - esp in first trimester I'm a real believer in taking it VERY easy - I don't think it necessarily makes difference re m/c as that is something that is not exercise related but do think it helps harvest your energy reserves if that makes any sesnse. I know plenty of others are gym bunnies but it just helped me to know that I was making an active change to help the success of the pregnancy (plus pilates is abosutely fantastic for pregnancy fitness- its seriously great but that may be cos I had such a lovely and supportive teacher)

hi jools, I am so sorry for your miscarriage. I was with you on the June antenatal thread, (was VickyJane77 but name changed). I think now that you've had such a heavy bleed, it should start to get lighter over the next few days. My first mc in June was at around 11 weeks, but I had an ERPC then and the bleeding lasted a week and got lighter each day. This time I mc at 7 weeks naturally, and again the bleeding lasted just a week. As for going back to work, time as much time as you need. I do hope you feel better soon, am thinking of you, and was so shocked to see you here xxxxx

Thanks Vjay and MrsG - although it is sad that we are all here, it is lovely to see some familiar faces Seeing so many names in here that I recognise has been quite a revelation. I knew that miscarriage was a common occurrence but didn't quite realise how many people I "virtually" know have suffered

I had quite a painful night, but paracetamol seems to do the trick - I guess because I've not taken any medication for over 12 weeks, it is now more effective ! Still bleeding pretty heavily - it kept waking me up in the night. The nurse from the EPU called this morning - they offered to scan me today but I have gone for a slot tomorrow morning - hopefully by then the bleeding will have subsided a bit as I don't feel comfortable leaving the house at the moment, and hopefully they'll be able to see that everything has gone and I won't have to go back again.

poppy34 - I did definitely cut back on the exercise - down from 8 - 10 classes per week to 6 and I cut out the really high impact ones, replacing some with work on the gym floor or pilates. I felt better for doing it, as now my stomach is shrinking back, I can see that I didn';t really put any weight on during that first and only trimester - a good thing as I'm overweight anyway

Hi jools,

so sorry to hear about what has happened.
i took matters into my own hands after 2 mc and found a brilliant organisation who are experts in helping couples overcome mc.
here's a link to my earlier post and on there is a link to their really good website which is an interesting read.

best wishes xx

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/miscarriage/639213-Positive-help-answers-and-good-sucess-rate-for-overcoming-mi scarriage