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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Sis - In- Law has lost her baby @ 30 weeks :-( What do I do/Say?

18 replies

pepperpots · 10/11/2008 18:50

she is just 21

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pepperpots · 10/11/2008 18:54

Anyone?

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Clockface · 10/11/2008 18:57

Pepperpots. There's not much you can say, esp. when the pain nad loss are still so raw. Just be there, allow her to express whatever she needs to, help her in any way you can, be a friend.

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greenday · 10/11/2008 18:57

I haven't experienced late miscarriages myself but a close friend had one at 25+ weeks. I remembered her saying that SANDS was a good support network that she found very useful in helping her.

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lulumama · 10/11/2008 18:59

i would be there for her, offer any practical help, such as cooking or anything like that

ask about the baby, don;t pretend he did not exist , ask what she would have called her baby and just listen

am so sorry, it is such a cruel and terrible thing to happen

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Sabs1981 · 10/11/2008 20:36

So sorry to hear what happened....I agree with lulumama, be there for her practically as well as emotionally. She may not want to talk about it, but let her know you are willing to listen if she does want to talk. I think its very important not to act as if the baby didnt exist..

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wu75 · 10/11/2008 21:51

Too awful for words....

Whatever you do don't say she'll be ok, she probably will, but you never really want to hear that. Don't say anything that begins with 'at least...' Don't say she can try again, she can, but she wanted that baby. Don't mention anything that might make it feel like it was her fault. (i'm not saying you would deliberately do that), but you instinctively look for an answer that involves something you shouldn't have done, eaten etc.
She is very young, which is good, she does have time, but none of that really helps when you are that devastated.
I would just help her with everyday stuff that goes to pot when you mc like shopping, cleaning and dealing with everyday chores. make sure she has good food to hand etc as you don't feel like cooking.
As others have said, be there for her and let her get her grief out. A freind of mine has just lost her baby full term before she was due to go into labour. we are all devastated for her. I think everyone pulling together and not acting like it hasn't happened is the best approach.
Well done for coming on here to get help.

Best wishes x

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SweetPea99 · 11/11/2008 08:47

Poor thing. She needs sympathy, sympathy sympathy - an appreciation of what an awful thing this is and how dreadful she must be feeling. Don't try any platitudes at this early stage and keep asking her how she is every time you see her, for the next three, six, nine months. It does get better, but it doesn't go away, and when she gets to the stage when she outwardly looks like she is getting on with her life, it will really help her to know that you appreciate that every day is still an enormous effort, and she cannot just forget what happened.
xxx

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Habbibu · 11/11/2008 16:02

Bear in mind that at 30 weeks she has had a baby - she's gone through labour, most likely held her child and gone through all the emotions you do then, plus the dreadful pain of loss. She may want people around, and she may want to shut herself away from the world - take your lead from her.

If she wants to talk - ask her what she named her baby, and maybe what the little one looked like, etc - much as you would with a live birth. Remember the baby's birthday and due date - a card around the due date would be nice, as she'll no doubt find that hard.

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TheNewsMonger · 11/11/2008 16:14

Really make it clear that you understand the enormity of her loss. She lost not just her first attempt, but a child, this child's future, the chance to be this child's mother. Ask her what she would have called her. Ask to see the picture. I agree about a little card around the time of what wouuld have been her due date. Nice to know that the rest of the world hasn't just completely forgotten.

This is not personal. A v.good friend lost a baby at 39 wks.

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Habbibu · 11/11/2008 19:11

You've had great advice here, and I do hope this doesn't cause offence - but please don't say "What would you have called her?" - the absolute reality of this baby is hard to take in if you, as a friend, have never and will never see it, but this little one is very real to her mother, and if she (?) has a name, it's an actual name, iyswim. "What did you call her?" is probably better.

God, I sound horrible, but I remember being hugely sensitive to things like this when we lost dd1 - it's probably irrational, and it's not to take away in the slightest from the great advice that others have given.

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TheNewsMonger · 11/11/2008 20:04

Sorry Habbibu. I'll remember that. I shouldn't have got that so wrong as I know how my friend would say exactly the same thing.

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clarebpj · 11/11/2008 20:05

Totally agree with you Habbibu, having lost two babies at 20 weeks and been in hospital with a scare at 30 weeks (with my now healthy daughter), it is a full term baby in the eyes of the mum. No critisism at all, but in that state you are very sensitive and fact that there are babies younger than that that survive it has to be "what did you call her?"

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Habbibu · 11/11/2008 20:13

Oh, sorry, newsmonger - really didn't want it to come across as a criticism. In all honesty, I think you are all being much better friends than I'd ever have been had I not been through it.

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TheNewsMonger · 11/11/2008 21:15

No it didn't at all. I knew that I couldn't really say or do anythign that would make my friend's pain any less at the time, but absolutely the last thing I would have wanted to have done would have been to have made it worse by some awful clumsy comment. She had explained it to me and to my shame I forgot. I am still learning. I'd never forget her dd's bd, even though she has another dd now.

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Habbibu · 11/11/2008 22:00

But it's just not possible to get things right all the time, even with the best of intentions. There's clumsy but well-intentioned, and just plain thoughtless, and a world in between. You sound like a great friend - my best friend didn't get everything right, but in the grand scheme of loveliness that she brought (and still brings) to us, it's not the clumsy moments you remember.

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ChillyTilly · 12/11/2008 18:34

Just be there for her. If you have that sort of relationship, just hug her and let her cry if she needs it. Be honest, and say "I don't know what to say - I'm so sorry". Because honestly, what one person needs to hear is not the same as someone else. Tell her that you're there for her if she wants to talk about it, or even if she doesn't want to talk about the miscarriage but wants to talk about the weather, politics, or the man on the moon - whatever - you're there for her.

My brother and SIL didnt' know what to say to me when they saw me after my miscarriage. I brought it up, quite calmly, actually, and my SIL just said, "I didn't know what to say, so thought it would be better to not say anything". Um, no. They knew about the pregnancy, just a hug and an "I'm so sorry" would have been just fine. But at the same time I didn't want to go on and on about it, like some people did.

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pepperpots · 13/11/2008 17:43

Baby boy 2lb

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Habbibu · 13/11/2008 21:20

Oh, pepperpots. So sorry. Thinking of your wee nephew, and all the family.

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