Can I have some advice on how to be supportive and sensitive towards my friend

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

I have recently had baby no 3 and last night I found out that a close friend miscarried her baby (in the first trimester) the same weekend I had my daughter.

I feel so awful for her (she was so brave calling me as I am sure I must be the last person she wants to talk to now). I want to be supportive and help if I can - although we don't see each other much as she lives a long way from me - we are in regular contact and I knew she was trying for a baby and that she was pregnant.

I just wonder if I should keep a distance for a little while as it must be painful for her to be confronted by my new baby while she is mourning the loss of her own. She was one of the first people I called - in a blind panic - when I found out I was pg again as I had not planned it. She in turn called me when she had her positive test.

I don't know how I should handle this or what I can say or do - so anyone who can help give me some perspective on how to be a good friend and not make things more difficult for her - please post. Thank you.

Gosh, this is a hard one. I don't think you should stay away from her. I am impending a miscarriage right now and totally still enjoy being around friends with new babies, but she might be different. Its such a hard thing for people to relate to if they have never had one, but just imagine finding out you are pregnant and that suddenly being ripped from you. Its super devastating. You are a mom, so I think you can understand better than anyone else what she is going through because you can imagine that. Just be a true friend that you always have been. Send her some of her favorite chocolate, a card, some flowers. Just really be there for her with phone calls or emails or both. If she doesn't answer then just say "Hi, Im thinking about you. I love you and if you need to talk I am here." She really needs you. I didn't want to talk to anyone for awhile, but after 2 weeks I did and it really helped. Just do all you can and if she doesn't respond, then at least you know that you tried and did your part.

Hope I helped a tad!

Having has MMC in sept i still find it hard to be around babies but if my best friend had a baby i think it would be different, the best thing to do is to be there for her as and when she needs you, she might only want to talk via the phone for a while be reassure her that you are home and avaliable anytime, that way you are leaving it up to her. congrats on your dd by the way!

Thank you for replying snoangel and Barbie - I am sorry you have had to go through this awful loss as well.

I appreciate your words - I do want to show her I care and wanted some guidance on how best to do that without being insensitive.

I think you are both right and I will be sending the card and chocs/ flowers. I know her lovely dh will be looking after her. I just feel so bad that while I have been enjoying my new dd she has been going through this and I don't want to make her feel worse.

I will make sure she knows I am available for her to talk to.

Tell her that you are there for her if she needs you. However, if she finds it hard to be around you, then you totally understand and will not take it personally or be offended.

Everyone reacts differently. I was fine around my pregnant friends after my miscarriage.

I had a mmc in June which was discovered at a scan 2 days before one of my closest friends had her 3rd baby. Obviously I was distraught but one of my overriding priorities was to go and see my friend (which I did the day after my scan) to clear the air and reassure her that I was still really excited to meet her new baby and didn't want her to feel awkward. I would have hated any feelings of guilt on her part to 'spoil' the arrival of her new baby.

Once the baby arrived I have to be honest and found it a difficult (there were a few tears after my visits to begin with) but at no point did I not want to see them - it was just something I had to work through. I'm sure it was in my friend's mind too but she just treated me normally, handed me the baby to cuddle (as you would). She asked how I was and listened and let me talk.

In my case I was really concerned that there wasn't any awkwardness and regardless of what had happened to me I still wanted to share in her new baby as I would normally.