my best friend just had another miscarriage- please help me to help her

[beforesunrise]

hi ladies, i hope you don't mind me posting here, and you don't feel i am intruding. my best friend (who was my maid at my wedding, i at hers, and is godmother to dd2- she really is like a sister to me) just had her second mc and is devastated. i have been trying to get in touch (she lives overseas) but we haven't so far been able to speak... i would like to know what to say when we do speak. i want desperately to tell her that everything will be ok, but i don't want her to think i am belittling her sense of loss or act like there is no problem.

what would be a sensitive and helpful way to help her? thanks, and hugs and good luck to everyone on this board.

Hi beforesunrise, there is another thread similar to what you're asking a few spaces down called 'advice about what to do in social situations....', there is sime fab advice in there. Don't worry,you are not intrududing on here, it is nice that you think so much for your friend.

'i don't want her to think i am belittling her sense of loss or act like there is no problem' - I think you've already hit on a really supportive tack just by saying that.

I've had 3 mcs and tbh found it most upsetting when friends ignored it and just didn't mention it. Perhaps not everyone is like me (ie some people just may not want to talk about it) but when friends just didn't mention it, it was hurtful - felt like a) it didn't matter, and b) was best swept under the carpet.

When it came to the 2nd and 3rd miscarriages, it wasn't so much that I was grieving/mourning the loss so much as really worrying something was wrong with me and I'd never have a child. As your friend has had two, she might also feel this to some extent.

IME the best thing you can do is listen to her whenever she wants to talk about it (even if she does seem to talk about it a lot!), remind her how often it happens once, twice, three times and more but it doesn't mean she won't have a child (I now have a 17 month old DS). Two is really, really bad luck but it doesn't mean it won't happen.

But the key thing for me would have been someone acknowledging and just understanding how important it was to me - that although it was possible I would have a child at some point, the fact is I didn't at the time. I only had one friend who I really felt got this, and it made such a difference.

I think it's lovely and really supportive of you to come here and ask this question - what a fab friend.

Also you could tell her about this site, there is so much support on here it's great. I've just had my 2nd miscarriage, and the ladies on here have been fab.

thanks guys. i have just spoken to her and she actually sounds more positive than i thought, although i think a lot of it is trying to talk herself up- which i nderstand too.

the key thing i tried to convey to her is that i share her sense of loss, she did say that she finds it really isolating that no one but her feels like a baby has died.

thanks for all the tips and advice. best wishes to everyone on here.

Hi beforesunrise, not sure if you will look on this again, but just wanted to say that I really appreciated my friend who sent me a text on what would have been the due date for my first lost little one. Might be worth asking your friend what the due date would have been and making a note to contact her then...its the big milestones like that which can be the hardest. I think the most important thing, as others have said, is acknowledging her loss...so many well intentioned people tried to cheer me up by saying how lucky I was to know that I can conceive, or by telling me how common miscarriage is, and I'll be fine next time...all of which is true, but just saying sorry you lost your baby means so much as well. You are obviously a lovely friend for putting your post on here xxx