It's been two months. It's about time I got out everything...
Anyway... here's my story:
In July I was stunned to discover that I was pregnant again, after months of no period (I have PCOS so this happens a fair bit). I was over the moon, as was my partner and because our first born was such an uneventful pregnancy, we started to get excited even though it was early days. We assumed all would go fine like it did with our first but that wasn't to be.
I was in pain, pain I didn't remember from my previous pregnancy. it wasn't stretching or cramping, it was different so I went down to A&E and they scheduled an early scan for me.
I thought I was 12 weeks along, given my dates but a scan informed me that no, I was only 4 or 5 weeks at most. The scan also picked up something that previous scans with my first pregnancy had failed to noticed. I had a bicornuate uterus. The egg had implanted high up, in one of the "horns" but the technician seemed reluctant to give me any real information on what this actually meant. I was to wait 2 weeks before a second scan to ensure things were progressing.
A week later I began to bleed, a tiny gush of blood while I was walking home. I freaked out, as i'm sure many of you would have and my partner rushed home. A trip to the doctor wasn't much use. He informed me that there was nothing they could do and maybe it would stop, maybe it'd get heavier.. just wait and see.
Wait and see was to be my state for the next 10 days while I anxiously awaited my next scan, hoping and praying that there would be a heartbeat, that the blood was something else, a cyst or something maybe.
The bleeding came and went, no pain with it but just that horrible discomfort i'd felt the whole time. I put that down to the position of implantation. The day before the scan the bleeding turned bright red and became much more like a light period. Still I wanted to keep some hope, even if it was stupid.
The scan day came and frankly, it was the most hellish and awful day of my life. The technician had a student who didn't seem to know what she was doing. The entire scan was conducted in silence while I bit my lip and prayed to whatever gods were listening to please please please let it be good news. As time ticked on I began to realise that no, it wasn't good news... they were staring too intently at the screen and talking in hushed whispers to eachother. I may as well not even be in the sodding room apparently.
Then the actual tech did an internal scan, the position of implantation made it difficult to see what was going on. I've had internal scans before but let me tell you, this one was AGONY. I was sobbing on the table as she took what felt like an age to get what she needed. She was rough, she was quiet and she was cold and I tried to console myself that maybe all this pain would be worth it if they could tell me my baby was alive!
It wasn't to be, the simple words "no growth since 2 weeks ago" cut through me like a razor. I got dressed, got ushered into another room and sat sobbing while a nurse went to find my partner.
THEN, the doctor came bustling in, decided that now was the time to explain to me exactly what this all meant (because i'm an idiot obviously and don't understand that no growth means NO viable pregnancy BAH!)
She treated me like a nieve child then shoved a concent form in my face, a form I could barely see for the tears clouding my vision. "We need to do a procedure tomorrow" she informed me, "it's got risks, blah blah blah.. sign here"
I wasn't certain what the hell to think. Weren't they going to give me time to grieve? time to come to terms with the whole situation before throwing me into surgury!? Why couldn't they wait till I'd calmed down a little before making me sign something?!
I told her I was going to London the next day and it'd have to wait till monday, scrawled a signature just to get rid of her and went back to my crying.
Walking out of that hospital I felt numb, empty.. totally and utterly lost.
The next day, I bundled up my little boy and got on a train to London for a job interview. (Yeah, great timing huh?)
Somehow I got through the interview and the weekend passed fairly uneventfully. I'd cried all i could and staying with my mother was some help I suppose. I woke up the morning I was due to go home bleeding heavily. The doctor had made it very clear that excessive bleeding meant I should go to A&E but I had no idea what was normal and what wasn't! Within hours the pain had begun. I was in agony, curled up on the sofa weeping as my body passed everything naturally. My mother and I ummed and aahhed about going to A&E, neither of us entirely sure this amount of pain and blood was natural or not. None of the pamphlets i'd been given mentioned natural miscarage. They all just talked about a heavy period after a D&C/ERPC and that was it. Every other resource said "heavy period" but what I was experiencing was NOT a heavy period.
I had to of course, cancel my train tickets and travel up the next day.
Thankfully by the following morning the pain and bleeding had subsided.
I went to the scheduled hospital visit to ensure that everything had gone naturally and was assured that yes, my womb was empty, I could go home.
But the entire ordeal wasn't over as I expected it SHOULD be.
A few days later I recieved a letter from my midwife scheduling an appointment. I threw it away.
A week later ANOTHER letter arrived, a hospital appointment card for the antinatal unit for a midwife visit and blood tests. I was outraged, distraught.. it was like someone poured salt into my wounds. I rang the doctors, yelled at them but they knew nothing. Rang the number on the card to find it was the orthopedics department number (wtf?) and finally got through to antinatal only to be told that it wasn't them who sent the card and I should contact my actual midwife.
Well NO. I didn't WANT to contact my midwife. She shouldn't have been sending me appointments! SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN TOLD!? Why was no-one informed? Why did I continue to recieve this crap which only made the entire healing process all the more difficult?
How long do I need to wait for a proper period now? well everything says 6 weeks. I'm onto 76 days now... still nothing.
I know that if I return to the doctor they'll simply tell me to "wait and see" (standard response, regardless of problem) and send me home.
I dunno.. maybe it's unrelated to the miscarriage, I was already having menstral problems before I fell pregnant.. or maybe it's totally screwed everything up. Will I actually get another period on my own? I can't help but worry that the combo of a bicornuate uterus, pcos AND incompetent NHS doctors who couldn't care less is actually going to totally ruin any chance I may have of having a second child. Can I get pregnant again? who knows. I can't help but worry that miscarrying as I did broke something.
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
Well... here's my story then
2 replies
prplmnkfsh · 22/10/2008 16:42
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