Having termination as fetus can't survive... please help

[hopefullypregnant]

Following my nuchal scan and subsequent tests we know that my baby has severe abnormalities and wouldn't survive. I am having a termination (other option - to wait, but could take months before baby dies...) and seeing second consultant tomorrow. First one today recommended chemically induced termination via oral tablets. What will this mean, in practical terms? He said other option was surgery but this was more risky. Can anyone tell me their experiences? I know this isn't a miscarriage as such and so I feel awful posting it here, but I dont know where else to post it... and essentially this was the only decision it was practical to take. I feel devastated and shocked, still. I have a one year old who is still breastfed - just hope I can breastfeed through all of this - would that make a difference?
Thanks for your help...

Oh dear... I am sorry.

I hope that you have either been seen by someone or have stopped bleeding.

I did go through this--twice. The first time I needed a D$C but the second time although it was retained materials that I was passing, I did not need a d&C because my body dealt with it all.

I hope that you are OK.

hopefully, i am just thinking of you and wondering if you are Ok?

Hi both

I am okay, thanks. Couldnt get hold of doctor, partly due to being overcome with nausea and I basically collapsed for hours in bed, unable to move, eat, drink, anything because I felt so sick. Since then the bleeding has lessened again.

I have realized, though, that this is an odd sort of experience because I have never had much sadness in my life - I am lucky - little bereavement, usually get what I want. This is entirely new to me, and I didnt know how it would feel - assumed it would be all encompassing to begin with, then improve, like splitting up with boyfriends used to be. It is so different from that: it just gets deeper, doesnt it? I know it will get easier again, but it certainly isnt like anything I've known before...

Glad you are feeling better - just keep an eye on yourself... the combination of the emotional side of things and the physical side of things is pretty monumental as well as the fact you have been poorly anyway.
Yes - you are right and I totally agree - it does come in waves, and some last longer than others, and some hurt more than others - this is apparently classic bereavment symptoms. As time goes on you begin to realise lots of different things about how you get through things like this, and it is difficult to prepare yourself, and also I kind of believe it is important to allow your mind to take you through the stages.... And it does get deeper, and you gradually learn that the hospital bit really was only the beginning, and you realise that it won't go away, BUT you also begin to gradually find it easier to live with - and I certainly feel like I am coming out the other side still me, but different - stronger, and with a bit of a different perspective on life....
I can only say, be as true to yourself as you can... and we'll do what we can to give you that reassurance and support when you need it...
xx

I am also glad that you are feeling better.

Be kind to yourself.

SAMR71: Your post is beautifully written and rings true for my experiences as well.

SAMR71, thank you for articulating your experience. I do understand, I think - theoretically - how things will feel, but I won't fully understand until I'm where you are. I can't imagine reaching that stage but you and Cadmum are proof that it comes!

Quick question - feeling very nauseous again tonight - do you think this is tiredness/hormone changes? do you remember feeling nauseous? It isnt like the pregnancy sickness was, when eating carbs helped; it's more like when you have a bug.

Hi hopefully... I didn't experience sickness but I did have odd blood flow. It would ease up then get very heavy, then ease up again and I would pass clots and tissue-type substance. I was scanned and they said there was some retained placenta and that it should pass. I dont want to scare you but in my case it didn't and I bled for 2 weeks before haemorraging. Just keep an eye on it and it if starts to get very heavy (at its worst mine was like a tap dripping very quickly (sorry it too much info) then take a trip to A and E to get checked out.

SAMR71 has really hit the nail on the head about how it affects us. Although it still makes me sad when I look at my other 2 boys, I can honestly say that, 3 years on, I think of Henry in a more positve light - i.e "wonder if he would be more like Ds1 or Ds2". It does get easier and it makes you appreciate what you have so much more.

can I just echo what sam says.. it is a gradual adjustment thing that you learn to live with - bit like waves on a beach... at first they overwhelm you but you sdo learn after a while to stand up and not completely drown in them when they come.

and as chooster says it takes on a different quality in time - I've had a dd now so talk to her about how her brother looks out for her, what he was like etc - this is actually quite a nice way for me of dealing with the grief

Hi HOpefully
Just a quick one re nausea - I don't remember feeling nauseous... I possibly did slightly but don't remember it being severe... If you are worried I would call your gp, or presumably you were given a contact number when you came out of hospital, and may be just get yourself checked out....
Thinking of you.
xx