Missed Miscarriage - Why are some people so bloody insensitive?????

[chubbymummy]

Last week (9 weeks pregnant)after some light bleeding I was sent for an early scan. I was told that there was no heartbeat and the pregnancy had terminated at 6 weeks. I am due to go back for another scan tomorrow to see if the "products of conception" have passed by themselves (they haven't) I will then need an operation to remove them under general anesthetic. After trying for this much wanted baby for the best part of a year I am devastated.

My boss (who is not usually very good with this sort of thing) has been fantastic, telling me to take off as much time as I need. But some of the people who I expected (and needed) to get support from have really upset me with their insensitive comments or actions.
When I told my Dad about my loss he asked me why it had happened and said "Did the doctor say there was anything wrong with your plumbing?" he then went on to tell me it could have happened because I'm overweight. He hasn't even bothered to ring me to see how I am since I told him.

2 of my close friends have told me that it wasn't even a baby at 6 weeks and it was just a ball of cells so I should just forget about it and try for another. (to me I was 9 weeks pregnant, almost 1/4 of the way through the pregnancy and the baby was a much longed for brother or sister to ds).
Another of my friends who knows about my situation has moaned to me about how fed up of being pregnant she is and although dh thinks he is being supportive he was out all day Sunday rehersing with his stupid band and he's been out playing football with his mates since 7pm. He will return for a shower anytime now then head back out to meet them in the pub! He knows how worried I am about returning to the hospital tomorrow but it hasn't crossed his mind to stay home with me. He also told me that he can't get Thursday off work because he's got a really busy day then so if the op is then can I take someone else with me to the hospital????? I lost the plot at this one and screamed blue murder until he agreed to see what he can sort out. I'm so annoyed with him that I don't really want him there anyway if he's going to be so unsupportive but I've nobody else to take me.
To make matters worse my Mum is on holiday at the moment and I haven't told her because I don't want to ruin her holls. My mil is also away but gets back tomorrow, I'm dreading her return because she doesn't know yet either and if the comments from other people have upset me I'm sure they will pail into insignificance when she opens her mouth because she is an evil witch who gets her kicks from making other people unhappy.

Sorry for such a long post I just needed to vent and I'm feeling very sorry for myself as I'm sure you can tell.

[chubbymummy]

Well mil and fil came round a while ago, she wasn't as bad as I expected her to be - still tactless of course but she seemed to know not to cross the line.
To be honest I think she had no doubt been pre-warned by my brother in law who took his life into his own hands earlier this evening when he rang to ask me why I wasn't going to a family meal tonight. He said that the family were all looking forward to seeing ds and he thought I would have made the effort as some relative (who I've never even met) is over from America. I have to say had he been here in person and not on the phone he would have had 2 black eyes and a broken nose to explain at work tomorrow! I am ashamed to say I went really over the top and shrieked "Made the effort? Made the effort? I'm going to hospital tomorrow to have my dead baby removed from my f%#*g stomach and you ring me up to say you would have thought I'd made the effort to go for a damned meal for some woman I've never even met!!!!!!!"
I have to say he went really quiet then couldn't apologise enough, he said he just didn't think. I feel terrible now because I went way too far and over reacted. I text him to apologise and explain how stressed I am about tomorrow but I still feel so guilty. He text back and told me not to worry about it, then wished me luck for tomorrow but that just made me feel worse. . I think I'll have to buy him something nice to say sorry!

Oh dear, it's no wonder dh has been steering clear of me is it?!

[kingfix]

hey cm, glad your MIL wasn't as bad as you thougth. I don't think you have to apologise again to bil, i think it was a pretty understandable reaction and you have already said sorry! Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

[Habbibu]

The ERPC was nothing like what I'd expected - it was just fine. Take some books/magazines, as there's some waiting around, and a comfy dressing gown for nipping to the loo, etc. Thinking of you tomorrow.

[lilacpink]

Hi, I can empathise 100%. I've just written myself off an antenatel list as had same op today (sac 8+ weeks,fetus small no heartbeat). Like you I already have a child, a dd. Before I say anything else I think your BIL was right to apologise to you so don't feel guilty, maybe he just didn't think before he spoke, which was really insensitive of him! Likewise I would threaten physical violence if I had been put in the same position anytime today (or quite possibly for days/weeks to come!).

My background - I came on here as can't sleep and feel very alone. I had scan at 8.50am today, had op around 7pm. I've had mild pains, faint bleeding for weeks - before I knew I was pregnant - I've known I was pregnant for a very excited week, but there were signs on scan today of molar pregnancy). The hospital staff were lovely, and my dh,mum and MIL have tried to say say helpful things, but nothing will actually help at mo. Pregnancy was a great surprise, due to very irregular periods, and had just sunk in and I'd already mentally planned ahead, i.e. knew dd would be around 3.2ish at time (my morning sickness, boobs etc. unfortunately still telling me I'm 8weeks). dh had started to take it all in, so I was hopingall would be fine.

On a positive, the process itself was quick (under general for about 15min), not much discomfort, I didn't see anything that made me feel really bad (well worse), and it was necessary. Psychologically I'm f**ked, trying to be 'normal': but have people to talk to (some I'm sure will say it wasn't a 'real' baby, but I know it was) and will read loads on MN.

I really wanted the baby. I'm 31 and wanted to try 18months ago, but dh said no. I thought I was pregnant in april, wasn't, it put strain on marriage. Now was pregnant and ca'nt believe ended. Pretty much all my friends are having or pregnant with dc 2.

I'm sorry you are going through this too, but thank you for sharing your experiences as all the threads here have helped me too. Very best wishes for tomorrow, take care, I hope you get home quickly.

[lisad123]

Im sure your friends and dad didnt say these things to upset you, but people do find it hard. I have to say the way i thought of it, was:

This little baby inside of me, is only known by me, loved by me and felt by me. You know you started to build a relationship the mintue you knew that little bean was there. No one else did, to everyone else (mnostly) they haveNT meet bean yet, they havent thought about what eyes it going to have, who's hair, girl or boy what to call him/her. These are all things that we learn as we get to know someone, and you have known bean for 9 weeks in your heart and mind. Thats why they dont grieve the way we mums do, they havent built the relationship, and unless you've been there, no one else understands.
does that make any sense?

[lilacpink]

I've just looked for something to capture how I feel and this page has helped me. Lisad 123, I had started to think of names too, and agree with you too.

After a miscarriage, you grieve for a person you never knew, and for a relationship that ended before it really began. You grieve not for a person who has lived and died but for an unlived life. You grieve for the loss of your future as the parent of the baby who has died. You are sad not just because of what you have lost but because of what will never be.

[barbie1]

chubbymummy i really do hope you are ok, having been through it myself this sept i can understand your first post, i too felt full of anger and frustration so you are not alone! you should find the post called emmsys angels, we have all been through what has happened to you and all the girls offer so much support....sending you lots of healing wishes xx

[chubbymummy]

Lilacpink I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this too!

Thursday was a horrible and long day but the operation was fine. I feel exhausted all the time at the moment but I'm trying to get back to normal a bit more. I had a bit of a set back yesterday when the appointment for my 12 week scan arrived through the post.

DH and I are now trying to decide if and when we are going to try again. He wants to try straight away but I'm not so sure. I know this experience doesn't make it more likly that I will miscarry again but I don't think I could handle going through it another time. I know there is no rush to make a decision but I do really want another child and I wonder if by putting it off the fear will build up more and more until I am too scared to have another.

Barbie I will have a look at that thread, thanks

[BananaSkin]

So sorry. It's sad that people just don't seem to understand the pain of miscarriage until they have had one.

I hope you are feeling a bit better and that your DH is being a bit more supportive now.