baby was due this weekend, found out tonight that a friend is pregnant...

[tryingnottoobsess]

Don't even know what to say, just feels like this is the only place I can sit and feel sad and enraged that my body is letting me down whilst everyone else is full of congratulations.

3 pregnancies, 3 miscarriages, and people getting pregnant all around me.

I don't have bad feelings towards her, it's just that every time someone else manages it, it rams home the fact that I've nearly been there but had it snatched away.

DH just told me the news on the phone (I asked him, he was going to tell me when he got home). I chickened out of going to theirs this weekend because of my general due date sadness, and also I knew they'd been trying for a few months, and was bracing myself for an announcement.

Bollocks, bollocks bollocks.

I can't even imagine having a successful pregnancy right now... I don't even know what the next step is. The tests are clear (which is great, I know) but I can't face going through it again.

Sorry if what I've written sounds selfish, but I had to get it out somehow.

Oh Sabs, hope your hubby gives you big hugs, no one should have to cry themselves to sleep, its so unfair.

Shame that none of your colleagues want to talk - but are you sure it's not just that they are worried about approaching you to talk?...or have you tried talking to one of them and then been brushed off? I know what you mean about auto pilot at work - but I also find that I have less patience and passion for my work. I feel bad about it, but it is like my feelings are numb, and I don't have space left in my head to sympathise with the stress my clients are under. Needless to add, since losing my little ones it seems like every single client is pregnant or has a baby! Am worried about letting people down, but also resentful of work because I only took a couple of days off due to various deadlines, and feel I should have taken more time, rather than keeping it together at work and then (like you) falling apart at the seams at home. DH is very patient, and I hope yours is too...but I don't think it hits them like it does us, or maybe they are just better at hiding it.

Not surprised how you feel about your SIL - my sister is in early stages of pg and I am already finding it hard even tho she is my best friend as well as my little sis, more like my other half than anything else - but even tho I am excited for her, it really brings home what we have lost.

I did have a positive thought tonight tho - I remembered my granny giving me her engagement ring, and I thought, one day, I'll have a grandchild of my own to pass special things on to. I look forward to seeing pictures of your babies on MN in the future - it will happen - but in the mean time, we just have to be kind to ourselves and take time to heal.

Hugs xxx

Oh ladies my heart does go out to you yes i loss one too i dreaded July 07 thats when my little girl was due i tried to get drunk on that day to forget i threw up instead with out a word of lie i ate like a pig and peed for England i took one of my many preg tests and i found out i was pregnant little man is now 7 months so hang in there girls and dont give up.As ScamperT said take time out to grieve it does not get better you just learn to live with it and you can never replace the ones you lose. I hope im not sounding harsh i dont mean to if you were all near me i would have given you big hugs (smile)

scamperT and chubbasmum thanks for your messages.
scamperT I am lucky to have such a loving husband, yes he gives me lots of hugs and lets me have my cry (which seems to be back to a daily basis again)
I'm the same about work, just really not bothered any more and mind wanders off to my lost angel and what could have been. None of my work colleagues have kids, and probably don't know what to say. TBH I find that only people that have been through the same thing are the only ones that truly understand. I think I have made it known at work that I dont mind talking about it. I am not ashamed about what happened to me and never want to forget about it.
SIL went into labour this morning. DH had to take MIL to my SIL, she lives out of town, 2 hours away from London. Was crying, begging DH not to leave me alone. Feeling the emptiness so much more. MIL wanted to know why I wasn't going with them. Felt that was so insensitive. Have had enough of bloody hospitals! But then I feel bad, cos its not the baby or SIL's fault.
Like your positive thought - gives me hope

chubbasmum you dont sound harsh - think I just need more time to grieve, and current events just makes me more sad again, just when I think I am recovering. Also its been 32 days since MMC and still no period

sorry ive gone on a bit....!