why my baby

[rdalisa]

Hi everyone, I wanted to share my story with you because I too suffered a great lost. On June 26, 08 I went to my first check up and I was six weeks pregnant. We seen the baby, heard the heartbeat I even seen the baby?s heart moving, it was amazing. That day I wasn?t suppose to see the doctor but the nurse came and told me the doctor wanted to see me, of course it scared me. The doctor told me the heart rate was real low and not to be alarmed but she wanted to inform me. I asked the doctor well how slow is it and how fast should it be? She told me the heart rate was only 100 bpm and it should have been 120-140 bpm.

On July 18, I went in for a 9 week check up and the midwife said my baby stopped growing, I went crazy. I wanted to leave but I couldn?t walk, I was crying so much. The midwife wanted to give me a D&C right then and there but I said NO!! I waited till that Tuesday and called her so I could see my OB/GYN (I have Kaiser so I see the midwife before I see the DR). July 25, 08, I seen my DR told her I didn?t want a D&C, I wanted to take the pills. That night I had to take four pills vaginally, crying the whole time, but I did it.

July 26. 08, at 530 in morning I had started having a lot of bleeding and cramping. Then at 8:40 am I delivered the baby in my bathroom. I was very hard mentally and emotionally and I don?t think everyone could go through it (with the pills). After I just sat in the shower and cried and cried for about an hour!!! Because my baby was gone!!!!

I?m 38 yrs old and have tried since 2000 finally it happened and I lost it! Its been a very painful experience and I still cry every day (I?m crying now). I like all of you wanted that baby, and it?s gone!!! Mentally I don?t think none of us will get over the lost of a child we wanted so bad. But it can make us stronger!!! I want to know why? Why my baby and not some crackhead that continues to smoke crack? Why not some girl that gave birth and threw her baby in the trash? Why did it have to be my baby? But I try and be strong!!

This whole experience took its toll on my relationship with the baby?s daddy and he left. I haven?t heard from him since July 18 and I went through the miscarriage alone, so I know it is impossible for me to start trying again. Even though I still cry everyday for my baby, I want my baby live on, I decided to go to nursing school and dedicate my degree to my baby. I have to find answers and help someone else, so I will specialize in OB/GYN.

I?m so sorry that this is so long I JUST NEED TO VENT!! I wish all of you the best and stay strong, cry and let it out. Plant a tree, go for walks, a drive or dedicate something in you baby?s memory. It?s every hard and unfortunately it had to happen to us. But I know over time we will get stronger!!! We will never forget it but we have to move on!! Thank you for reading about my experience, sorry that it is so long. I wish you all the best and if you decide to do the D&C or opt for the pills it is something you have to do from the heart.

[Lomond]

I am so sorry for your loss

[lilyloo]

So sorry for you

[mamadiva]

Oh rdalisa I'm so sorry to hear your story it sounds awful!

Have you got any support family, counselling or even just your doctor? It does help and it will get easier I'm not speaking from personal experience I'm speaking from a bystanders POV my best friend has had 6 MC's and it is real hard. But you will eventually get over it.

[Goober]

You poor, poor love. I hope you have a good support group of family and friends. You sound as though you are finding some strength to get angry now, that is a normal healthy thing to be doing. I have 3 lovely healthy DCs and I do ask the same questions as you. How come those women who don't seem to care, or those who smoke, drink, take drugs are blessed with children???? There is a family near me, 5 swet DCs, ages 6 months-11 years. The 2 year old plays out in the street, unsupervised. The parents don't seem to care and they are always shouting at them. How is that fair when caring people such as yourself have lost a child that you would cherish???

Be strong. Your turn will come, I am sure of it.

Good things come to those who wait.

xx

[LynetteScavo]

rdalisa, by the time I finished reading your post I was crying.

I think (hope) things happen for a reason. Wishing you all the love and luck in the world.

[sue10]

Dear rdalisa
i am so sorry my lovely to hear of your sad loss, having several mc's and a mmc myself i understand how incredibly difficult it is to deal with let alone move on from. I too took the tablets and will never forget the feeling when it passes through although i still feel it was the right choice to make for me as i did'nt want the D and C. I dont know if i ever will beable to get over them but i guess i just try to cope as best i can. I completly agree with you about how it's unfair how some people who smoke/drink etc all through pregnancies and end up with no problems! Then you get peeps like us who do everything by the book and where did it get us!!! Take your time in your recovery, have you family around you to support you? Takecare and things will get easier in time. We plant ivy plants in memory, it helps me to go in to the garden to see them growing in all their various shades of colour.
XXX.

[rdalisa]

I wasn?t able to tell people I was pregnant. Instead I had to tell them I was carrying a baby that had died 3 weeks prior. My sister has been a big support but she is trying to use logic. Hello I don?t want to hear be thankful it didn?t happen at 35 weeks. Regardless how many weeks I was I had bonded with my baby and was talking to it everyday, rubbing my belly.

Fortunately enough I opted for the pills and I was able to see it. On July 26, when I was running to the bathroom, I felt it fall out in my underwear. I put my hand so it would fall out so in my mind I actually was able to hold my baby. I put it in a bowl and just looked at it. Sounds sick but I just cried looing at it making sure some of my tears fall on it but I wanted it to felt my love even though I knew it was gone.

It happened on a Saturday morning, the doctor wasn?t there till Monday morning. So throughout the weekend and Monday morning I would look at it and just let my tears fall on it hoping it would know mom loved me from day one. Monday morning was the last day I had it and I sat in the parking lot and held the bag that had my baby and just cried before taking it into the office, because I knew once I handed it over to the doctor the it was over and I would never see it again. So I just cried and cried.

I try to get stronger every day but I tried for 8 yrs and it finally happened but only for a few weeks. I don?t think I will ever get over the lost but I will grow stronger. The baby?s daddy still wont call or return my calls, so it does make it harder. I?m trying to deal with two losses and it makes it even harder.

[LynetteScavo]

rdalisa, you have suffered a great loss. Would it be possible for you to have councilling to help you deal with your bereavement?

I do think though, that if the babys father hasn't been able to cope with this, he probably wouldn't have been able to cope with the highs and lows of parenting.

[Bluebutterfly]

rdalisa - I agree with LynetteScavo. The loss of your baby sounds very traumatic and very sad. If you can get counselling, I think that it would be good for you.

Look after yourself, you are grieving and you need to give yourself permission to feel sad, angry etc.