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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Another pregnant friend

12 replies

HairyToe · 07/08/2008 12:47

OK so I had a mmc 6 weeks ago and thought I had pretty much come to terms with it.

But, we are going on a weekend away in a few weeks - 4 couples. I already knew one of the women was pregnant (her 2nd) and before I found out I'd miscarried I was looking forward to telling them all and being pregnant that weekend as well (iykwim). Obviously that didn't happen. Now I've just had an email announcing one of the other women is pregnant.

Feel crap and also feel guilty for feeling crap. I already have 2 children so these two friends are perfectly entitled to be having their second children! And for the one who announced it in the email I have just received I know they have been trying for ages and she has had 2 miscarriages herself in the past so obviously I'm thrilled for her, really I am. Just can't help feeling a bit sad that its not me as well.

No solutions expected obviously just offloading

PS period due soon and feeling hormonal so probably more emotional than I should be

OP posts:
LullyMummaOfOne · 07/08/2008 15:37

Hi HairyToe, i completly know what you mean. I had a MC 3 weeks ago and its very hard with all these pregnant ladies around. MY sister is also pregnant as well as my best friend and there was only 4 weeks in totoal between all three of us. We were all so excited to be expecting together and that the babies would be so close in age. I guess it wasnt meant to be this time for me, i already have a DS and like you i feel guilty for wanting more.

Good luck TTC again,

WorzselMummage · 07/08/2008 20:22

Its normal, its shit but normal ((hugs))

I had a mmc in feb and cut anyone who was pregnant out of my life completly becaus ei found it hugely painfull. It took 4 months to start rebuilding my friendships and some are still suffering from effects my my grief even now.

I hope you find the strength not to let it get to that stage with your friends, i really wish i hadnt.

Sorry for your loss, i wish you a big fat sticky positive soon

HairyToe · 08/08/2008 08:57

Thanks for your replies Lully and Worzel.

You wouldn't credit it but I've checked my emails today and I've had one from yet another friend announcing she is 20 weeks pregnant with her third baby . Her due date is 5 days after mine would have been and she and her family actually came to visit us just before I found about I was pregant (I must have been just under 4 weeks) so I'm guessing she was pregnant then as well but also didn't know.


Just had to get that out!

OP posts:
roseability · 08/08/2008 11:22

Hi HairyToe

I think it is perfectly normal to feel that way. I think you replied to my post last month, when I experienced a chemical pregnancy. Well the same has happened the very next cycle. I got a few faint BFPs, then started bleeding yesterday. Should be 5 weeks today but had a negative test this morning and started bleeding heavier.

I really am not suggesting that this is as traumatic as a mmc. I can't imagine how hard that must be. To build up your hopes and dreams for so long just to have them abruptly taken away. I am beginning to realise what an emotionally draining the ttc journey can be though.

I also have a close friend who is 20 weeks pregnant and she has also suffered a mc in the past. I am starting to feel jealous now and dreading seeing her glowing bump on Saturday at a wedding reception.

roseability · 08/08/2008 11:25

Oh sorry had to add HairyToe that I do indeed have hairy toes (an unfortunate side affect of bloody PCOS, unwanted hair in the strangest of places) thus I love your name!

The first time I have smiled today

HairyToe · 08/08/2008 13:55

Sorry you've suffered another CP roseability. As you know I had a CP the month before the pregnancy I lost. I know that that is meant to happen quite a lot but we only know about them nowadays because of the sensitivity of early pregnancy tests. Not much comfort I know but just trying to reassure you not to read too much into it and assume there's something wrong with you iykwim. You're right about ttcing being emotionally draining though.

I have a friend who has a baby now but it took her 2 years to conceive. She'd been for fertility tests and treatment and was just about to embark on IVF when she fell pregnant naturally. When we were talking about the difficulty of dealing with pregnant women through that period she said the weird thing is even when she was pregnant, if she found out someone else was expectging her heart would sink and she'd get the same old feelings that she'd had through her TTC process, even though she herself by this time was pregnant. SHe'd look down at her bump and think " this is crazy" but obviously she was so used to feeling bad when someone announced a pregnancy she was 'primed' to react in a certain way!

By the way WorzelsMummage thanks for the advice re: friends. Luckily I don't live near these friends so its not too hard to 'lay low' from them till I feel able to be properly happy for them. LullyMummaofOne - your sister and your best friend. That must be so hard for you especially with the due dates so close. I'm so sorry.

OP posts:
SweetPea99 · 08/08/2008 14:27

Hi all,
I know what you mean! My sister had her first baby a couple of weeks ago, and mine would have been due 2 months later. They would have been 2 little girls together and I am finding it very hard to be as supportive as I should be. She had 2 m/cs so it's not as thought it all came easily, but after my little girl died at 20 weeks, I am finding it really hard to be normal around hers .

jellybeans · 08/08/2008 14:40

(((hugs))) everyone xx I also struggled with this after my losses. Last year after I lost DD at 20 wks I really found it hard with people due at the same time and after me. I had to congratulate them etc and inside it hurt so much. I think it is normal and hopefully time eases it abit xx

roseability · 08/08/2008 15:45

Oh guys I am so so sorry for your losses at such a late stage in pregnancy. I hope you have had proper support with your bereavements. Life is so cruel sometimes

Habbibu · 08/08/2008 15:57

It's dispiriting, isn't it? I had a molar pregnancy this year (diagnosed end March), and am on follow-up until Christmas, so can't try again. It feels like just about everyone is pregnant now, and I feel left behind all over again. But, to hopefully give a little bit of good news, we lost dd1 at 21 weeks in 2005, and felt just terrible about everyone (including my sister and best friend) being pregnant. But dd2 is here, and well, and currently shouting "Mummmeee" while supposedly having a nap...

sue10 · 08/08/2008 18:02

i know how you guy's feel, it's just so difficult is'nt it!!! I have had several mc's now and a mmc and am losing sooo many friends as they are either pregnant or have got babies and i just can't cope! I am happy for them but all they want to talk about is the pregnancy which i know im the same but i just keep pushing them all away! They all go to mum and baby groups toigether and anti natal yogo whilst i just have to keep smiling along with it all! Sorry for going on! Sorry for all your losses. Am pleased for you Habbibu, what i would give to be called mummy!

MsG · 08/08/2008 19:41

I know how you all feel too... Had a mc last June and still not pregnant yet! Since then, one woman at work gave birth the week mine was due, and 4 others have got pregnant, and my cousin's wife is pregnant now too!

It's rotten cos you want to be a supportive friend, but it does make you feel so crap. Especially cos one of my friends got pregnant straightaway, no effort at all.

But, overall, I try to view it as a positive thing when people I know are pregnant because it means it is very possible and if it's happening to so many others, why shouldn't it happen to me too...some time...

Fingers crossed for us all. xx

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