Having a miscarriage- confused, need to vent

[Joy27]

I've posted pretty much this exact post in Conception but thought it would be a good idea to cross post here as I have so many thoughts flying round my head, though at the same time feel entirely blank.

After weeks of strange goings-on down below, and being reassured that it was just the effects of coming off the pill in May, it seems I'm now having a very early miscarriage- around 3 weeks gone. I didn't know I was pregnant, although I was trying to conceive (long story).

In my heart I knew what was happening on Sunday, when I passed something unidentifiable and tissue-like. The doctor confirmed today that tests she took last week indicated a pregnancy which was failing. Now it seems nature is taking its course.

I found out at work and was shocked. I came home and now am OK, just sitting on the sofa under a duvet with a cup of tea.

Physically I'm not in pain at all, just uncomfortable at the feeling of the constant rather horrid outpouring of blood etc . Now I know what it is the sensation of bleeding is creeping me out, especially when I can feel I'm passing a big clot (sorry tmi). I'm feeling very drained due to losing the blood, and more than a touch hormonal.

Emotionally I'm confused.Am I sad? Should I be sad? Do I have any right to be sad about a pregnancy which was almost certainly never viable in the first place and was so early? And which I never knew about for god's sake?
And yet I do feel... I don't know. I'd describe my current mood as flat.

Above all I feel like such a nob. I thought (for various reasons including tests) that I definitely wasn't pregnant and as such was carrying on with my normal lifestyle- drinking the usual amount (couple of glasses of wine several nights a week), smoking (around 5-8 a week) etc. The doctor assures me that nothing I did caused this- and she says don't listen to anyone who tells me otherwise- so please don't tell me otherwise, I can't take it. But I feel I don't have a right to be upset because I was hardly creating a wonderful home for a baby in my body. Feel so stupid and fraud-like. My boss said take the rest of the week off but again I feel a fraud for doing so, despite the fact that I feel faint and dizzy and like crap.

My partner will be home soon. He was soothign and supportive when I told him, though he did say a couple of silly man things and didn't seem very upset (I'm not hugely upset either but for some reason would like him to be! Mad)

Sorry for waffling on. Thanks for reading.

Are you kidding me?
You have a perfect right to feel upset.
You just lost a baby.

And don't let anyone make you feel that your feelings aren't genuine.
And your doctor is right too, you didn't do anything to cause this, its bloody awful, but its nature.

So if you feel like crying or you feel sad, then go ahead, you do have a right to feel this way Joy27.

Joy, you have lost your baby, which is awful, even if you didn't know about it until now. Allow yourself to feel sad. Take the week off, and rest up.

Thanks for your kind messages amd reassurance. I'm still not entirely sure how I feel but will, at very least, try to put aside feelings of guilt and sense of being a fraud. I can say, tentatively, that I feel pretty OK. It was very early days and it's so so common. In fact were it not for the heaviness and prolonged nature of the bleeding, I might have never known.

My partner on the other hand appears to be absolutely fine. He feels sorry that I am going through this physically and is being very loving etc, but is actually feeling rather upbeat about the fact that now we know we CAN conceive, as his biggest fear has always been that we wouldn't be able to. In fact he says it has brought home to him that we really are planning to have a baby and now seems quite excited at the prospect (was on board before but now it has really hit home). So to him, this experience says "we can have a baby! Wow this is really real now!" rather than "we have lost a pregnancy".

In fact the people I told at work (managers) seemed a lot more sombre and grave about it than him.

I'm not sure whether my partner's attitude is encouraging or annoying. Seems I don't know anything about anything today.

Joy, so sorry for your loss. Noone can tell you how you should feel and you'll probably work your way through your whole emotional spectrum in the next few weeks/months - sadness, guilt, anger, emptiness and a few more along the way. Take the time offered from work, because you never know how little things might catch you off guard. You've lost your baby and you shouldn't feel silly for needing time to work things through in your own way. Please don't blame yourself, although I do know that is easy to say...

I've had three mc's and what never ceases to amaze me is the way some people behave towards you, always with the very best of intentions. Your DH probably doesn't know what to say.