Support after losing our much wanted baby at 14 weeks

[wendnesday2023]

I don’t really know why I’m posting. I guess to get some support from people who may have gone through something similar. I found out on Monday at 14 weeks that my baby had passed. I had gone in for a CVS which was unable to be carried out the week before due to the position of my placenta. We have had a journey of a few weeks following a high NT reading of 5mm at our 12 week scan and some further abnormal findings by fetal medicine in our follow ups which we were told could likely be a genetic disorder. To say it’s been traumatic has been an understatement. I never for a minute thought this would be the most likely outcome. Tomorrow I will have a surgical removal of the pregnancy under general anaesthetic.

I am trying to focus on silver linings which is that we haven’t had to deal with weeks of waiting and inevitably finding out our little baby had a rare chromosomal disorder. I am grateful this has happened earlier in the pregnancy as I can’t even imagine going through this later on. I just feel so sad. This baby was/ is so loved and wanted. I know people go through many far worse scenarios but I’m really so sad and can’t quite believe this is reality . I don’t know how I will go back to work/ normal

I'm sorry. It's a 'club' no-one wants to be part of.

You need to rest up tonight. It will likely hit you further tomorrow as you've already bonded with your baby.

Had you chosen any names?

It's going to take some time to get back to normal.

Has the hospital offered any support?

Thinking of you xxx

I have been there twice. Now I am mother of two preteens. I am not saying this to gloat- but to give hope. It is hard and traumatic, you need to look after yourself, find time to grieve and speak to people. Somehow even now miscarriage is the last taboo, yet the more you talk about it, the more you realise how many women go through it -often completely alone. I wish you time to grieve and the best of luck in your journey to become parents, which I am sure will happen one way or another x

Thank you @SaraHoliday - you’re really right. We hadn’t chosen names yet but I think we may name them. The hospital have been wonderful and I understand there is support which I am going to ask some more questions about tomorrow. As we were unable to do the CVS the hospital has asked if they can test for genetic issues which I hope will give some clarity too xx

@Bb14 thank you for sharing your story and I’m so sorry you had to go through the pain twice. It’s amazing to hear you have 2 pre teens! Happy outcomes and trusting the future is keeping me going so I’m joyed to hear your story.
You’re so right about it being taboo- I wish more people would share their stories. It’s far less lonely xx

Rest up now x Tomorrow is another day x

I've learnt/am learning that some things just aren't meant to be. I'm sure you'll get answers to why though x

💐 xxx

Oh OP, Im so sorry.
You are right, it does feel so lonely.
I found it to be a different grief to anything I had experienced before.
The sadness was utterly overwhelming at times.
It does ease/ebb and flow with time, but its okay to be sad.
Try not to worry about work too much for now. Just take it a day (or even an hour) at a time.

It was a while ago for me, and fortunately I now have a 12 and 7 year old.
It will still catch me off guard sometimes, and Ill have a little weep.

Please be kind to yourself, and lean on others where you can x

Just sending you kindest thoughts and strength, I am so sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry, love. 😢

I’m so sorry OP.

This happened to one of my good friends and it was the baby’s chromosomal abnormalities (that the CVS would have identified anyway) that leas to the miscarriage. She was obviously distraught about the loss in the same way you are as it was still a baby she had bonded with. She felt if she’d had the CVS and had the results prior to the miscarriage she could have at least have been prepared but sadly it just wasn’t to be.

She has since gone on to have a healthy pregnancy and the baby was born a few months ago. That obviously doesn’t take away from the grief/loss she felt but she is thankful she has since been able to carry a healthy pregnancy.

I hope today goes as well as it can and I’m sorry for what happened x

I am just so very sorry that you're going through this. I had a TFMR at 16 weeks for chromosomal abnormalities last December and I remember feeling like I'd never recover from it. The first couple of months were awful, but with time and therapy I have started to feel better and feel joy in things. We had a funeral and named our daughter, which helped a little. I also took six weeks off work at my GP's suggestion, some people take much longer and some people feel they need to go back for the distraction. There is no one right answer here. Whatever the result of the genetic testing this is still horribly sad; but you may in time come to feel some relief that you didn't have to make a horrible choice if it turns out there was a genetic problem. I'm here if you have any questions or just want to chat and sending you so much love. You will get through this, I promise.

I’m so sorry.

Thank you all for sharing your stories and support. I’m so sorry to anyone who has been through this - I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy but am so pleased to hear about happy futures.

I had the surgery yesterday which was successful. Just time now to try and recuperate and move forward in time

I miscarried my first pg. at 12 weeks. I have 2 children, now in their late teens/early 20's. I will never forget a lovely nurse at the time saying to me 'go home now and try again.'

It's painful, OP and I wish you all the best. ❤

I’m so sorry. I lost a pregnancy in 2022 and I remember the pain well. My advice is just to cling on and get through the next couple of weeks. Rest, spend time alone if you want (even if others want to comfort you), and do things that feel manageable for you.

I gathered everything relating to the pregnancy (hospital letters, pregnancy tests etc) and put it in a box alongside a candle, my pregnancy diary and a baby loss certificate (you can apply for one via the government website). It’s so sentimental to me to get it out and look through a couple of times a year. It’s nice to remember and acknowledge to myself that they were real even though they aren’t here with me.

In the days following the loss I found the Instagram page The Worst Girlgang Ever (they also have a podcast) and immersed myself in the stories of others. I think it helped to know that others had felt this way too, and eventually felt better.

Even 4 years on I remember the dates well. The date I found out I was pregnant, the due date & the date we lost the baby. It’s hard every year. I always buy myself flowers on those days.

Wishing you the best for the future x

I’m so sorry. I went through pretty much the same in may last year. We had a NT of 6.6mm at our 12 week scan. We went in for cvs testing (I was 13 weeks at this point) but her heart beat had already stopped. It took the decision out of our hands as we would have terminated if there was a genetic condition. I had a d and c a few days later and they tested my placenta.

she had patau syndrome and it just wasn’t meant to be. It was really hard but I feel pregnant again 4 weeks after the op. I now have a healthy and very happy baby boy. He is our third baby so it was such a shock esp after two healthy pregnancy’s. It really is just bad luck and nothing we done wrong. Hope the op goes ok for u and u get some answers xx