How to cope with miscarriage and baby talk?

[SVA]

I hope anyone else struggling finds some light at the end of the tunnel. I lost my baby at 6 weeks last Christmas, and as my due date approaches, I feel like my emotions are becoming harder to manage rather than easier.

I’m really struggling with conversations about pregnancy, especially as my partner’s brother’s girlfriend keeps talking about trying for a baby. Every time it’s mentioned, I end up in tears. I feel guilty because I never want to take away someone else’s excitement, but I’m finding it incredibly hard.

How do you cope when babies or pregnancies are so close within your family? Or when people share their own experiences? I want to be kind and supportive, but right now I don’t know how to protect my own feelings too.

Please be kind with your responses. 💛

@SVA its a horrible feeling. You want to be happy for them but you still have your own feelings of loss to deal with.
Sending you hugs, there is a miscarriage association who do counselling if it might help.
Sorry I don't know the website address x
Again, hugs x

I am so sorry for your loss. When I had my miscarriage, I was like you and just couldn’t cope with baby talk or other people being pregnant. I actively avoided my SIL whose baby was due at around the same time as me. Told DH that I couldn’t deal with it and didn’t go to family events. I found that once what would have been my due date had passed, I was able to cope better - I don’t know why. I also found that the arrival of SIL’s baby made things easier too.

im sure it’s connected - I fell pregnant within 2 months of that, perhaps because I relaxed and stopped feeling so angry and upset. (He will be 18 this summer so it’s a long time ago but I remember those feelings of ongoing distress very well)

We planted a magnolia tree in the garden on what would have been my due date. It turned a sad day into a positive and 18 years later it’s huge and gorgeous!

Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve as you need to x

You may not read this as this post was a while ago but just wanted to say what you're feeling is completely normal.

One month following my first miscarriage, my brother come round to show me his and SIL 12 week scan photo. He wanted to tell me before they announced it at a family lunch the following weekend. It honestly felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. I congratulated him and told him not to worry about me, I was so happy for them etc. I was truly happy for them but felt so heartbroken for myself at the same time. The two feelings can co-exist together but I did spend the rest of the day crying once he left though.

Me and DH decided not to attend the family lunch the following week where they were making the announcement. I just couldn't bare it and knew it would send me into a spiral. I also wanted them to be able to share the news happily without having everyone watching and waiting for a reaction from me. I'll be honest, I didn't see them again in person until SIL was around 7 months pregnant. I was so happy for them but needed to protect my heart more (which already felt shattered into a million pieces).

I kept in contact through messaging etc but just couldn't handle face to face in the beginning. I was even on video chat to both of them in SIL early labour stage at the hospital. I felt heartbroken again once they messaged announcing the birth. Again, happy for them but just heartbroken for the baby i should have welcomed into the world a few weeks earlier. When I visited a few days later to meet my niece, I pre-warned them that if I get teary it is absolutely nothing to do with them and I'm so happy for them, but it just may be a little emotional for me. It actually wasnt as bad as I thought it would be and was wonderful to meet my little niece, even if it was tinged by sadness.

I guess what I'm trying to say is it does get easier with time. Make sure you take space and avoid certain events if that's what you need to help protect your heart. Sometimes it's best to protect yourself before worrying about others feelings. It won't be as intense in time. My brother and SIL were incredibly understanding regarding the 4 months that I didn't see them during her pregnancy.

Maybe ask your SIL to limit the baby and TTC talk when you're around and explain how sad it's making you? If she ignores this after you've explained how much it's effecting you, then maybe you need to take some space from her for a while.

Take care of yourself. It really is rubbish navigating the aftermath of a miscarriage x