Coping with early miscarriage

[brokenheartedd]

Hello everyone, I’m just looking for some advice. Last month I found out I was pregnant- it was a total surprise as I’d been taking the pill but both me and my partner were delighted (although a bit shocked!).

I had a bit of pain at 5w and was scanned to rule out an ectopic then 2 weeks later started bleeding. I’ve had another scan and there’s been very little progression so although it hasn’t been “officially” confirmed as I need another scan in a week apparently as per clinical guidelines, I’ve been informed it’s most likely the pregnancy isn’t viable and this is the start of miscarrying. The bleeding has continued which supports this and to be honest, in my heart I know it’s over.

I’m absolutely heartbroken in a way I didn’t think was possible and the being stuck in limbo waiting for the things to pass/next scans is overwhelming me. I don’t know how I’ll ever get through this. I feel like it’s all my fault somehow and I feel like I’ve let my partner down- he was so excited to be a Dad. We bought a baby onesie the day before the bleeding started and were happily planning what life would look like with a baby and I feel like I tempted fate.

My partner was and still is eternally optimistic and still thinks there’s hope despite the doctors saying things don’t look viable and I don’t know how to manage that with what I’m feeling, I can’t talk to him about what’s going through my head because he’s so sure it’ll all work out. We were so excited and naive (first pregnancy) so we told both our parents at 6 weeks and now have to tell them this after we got them so excited to be grandparents.

I feel like I’m drowning in all my feelings and can’t imagine how I’ll ever feel okay again. I’ve always wanted children and a family but the thought of trying again and experiencing this again is killing me

I have just been through an ectopic pregnancy and my partner was also blindly optimistic the whole time that everything would work out. None of this is your fault and you have not let your partner down. Your emotions are so valid and you need his support now more than ever so I would really encourage you to speak to him about how you are feeling.

I had also just told my parents they were going to be grandparents and 5 days later had to tell them that it was ectopic. It broke my heart but if they are anything like my parents, their main concern will be that you are okay. I think that having their support will also be a big help for you and having other people to speak to.

I am so sorry that you are going through this, it’s truly awful and I have had some incredibly low days, but I have now reached the point where I am trying to return to some sort of normality and I promise it will come for you too.

Sending lots of love x

Oh bless you, I am so sorry for your loss.

Your partner is trying to be positive as I guess its his way of coping with it and maybe he feels he needs to be to try and keep that positivity for you.

My DH and I went through a similar thing and it was a surprise pregnancy as I was on the pill but we were very excited. We told our friends and family and everyone was so happy for us and our parents exciting to be having a grandchild and its heartbreaking. You feel you have to cope with their loss as much as your own and you feel guilty getting their hopes up only to dash them.

But I promise you this is no-one's fault. As crap as it is these things just happen.

It feels raw and painful right now as its fresh and it will take sometime for you to grieve this loss. You are grieving the loss of your baby and of what could of, and should have been. All those little thoughts where you look into your future and see a child, that you allowed yourself to feel excited for, have gone. Its devastating.

If this does go wrong and you get confirmation of miscarriage, please talk to one another about it. Its vital that you both try and talk about how you feel. To each other, if you can, but if not then to family and friends to begin with. Don't bottle up how hurt and heartbroken you feel. Take time together, alone, in your own bubble and cuddle, talk, cry, and allow yourself to feel what you feel. You will get through it together, one day at a time.

I promise you will get through this, even though it doesn't feel this way right now.

In time, when you feel ready, you can try again if you want to.

Someone wrote in a card to me when I lost my baby 'The sun will shine again one day' and I remember at the time thinking 'No it never will'

But it did.

I went on to have a healthy viable pregnancy a few months later and that 'baby' is now 20 years old.

Please be kind to yourself. xx

Hi OP, I’m really sorry to hear about the tough time you are going through. The too-ing and fro-ing to the hospital and the uncertainty is really soul destroying.
I also felt really guilty during and after our ectopic, and also really angry that my body had “let me down” as such. I think all the feelings you have are totally normal- they aren’t correct, and they aren’t rational, but they are normal. So don’t use those as another stick to beat yourself with. You haven’t let anyone down and you are doing the best you can in a horrible situation. I know you feel so alone, but I promise you are not.

My other half also just kept saying “feely, it’ll be fine” “everything will be fine” and tbh, it caused so many arguments as it was Not Fine. Later on he admitted he just didn’t know what to say, and he was struggling with not being able to DO anything to make me less sad. It may be that your partner doesn’t know how else to try and support you other than being optimistic, but I understand that sometimes makes you feel worse!

Anyway- I hope this brings some comfort that there are those out there who know how you are feeling. Please take care of yourself and reach out to any help that you need 💐

P.S. Also totally reasonable to buy the onesie and tell family! It means you were excited and that is also totally ok. Again, please don’t beat yourself up about things like that. It’s totally normal behaviour.

I'm sorry to hear you are in this situation OP. The waiting can be very difficult to know either way what is happening. I lost 3 and will not have our own children now.

Did the hospital give you any contacts for counselling? Sometimes, writing a letter to your baby can be helpful. There are options to speak to someone though if you'd find it more beneficial. We all grieve differently and there is no right or wrong. Telling family so early means you trust them and I'm sure will be supportive whatever the outcome. There is lots of info on this site, including a helpline too. Remember that this isn't your fault and you aren't alone xxx

www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/