Husband doesn’t want another baby after miscarriage, how to cope?

[WhateverWillBeWill]

Me (36F) and my husband (42M) have a two year old boy toddler. After about a year of trying for second (similar timeline to firstborn), I found out I was pregnant just before Christmas after a classic we won’t try too hard in December/ have a month off. So Christmas was hard work (I was hosting) but joyful. Had bad flu/Covid type thing in Jan and some bleeding. Went on and on but long story short had a miscarriage, found out no heartbeat at 11 weeks but baby was 7.5 weeks when stopped growing. I’ve found it really hard but have been trying to piece myself back together. Husband has been struggling with mental health for a while and broke down a few weeks ago to me and says he doesn’t want another baby and finds being an older dad really hard. I’ve tried to be supportive of him but obviously it’s very painful. I said in the moment when he told me that I love him and our toddler more than anything and if that’s the way it has to be I know we’ll have a wonderful life but I’d like him to go to GP and get help for mental health which to be fair he has now done and been referred for counselling. I’m hoping that it’s a bit of a mid life, and he pulls through but basically I just want to be pregnant asap and I’m finding it so difficult to be supportive of him, raise son, do my quite high pressure job (solicitor) and come to terms with not being pregnant and possibly never being again. Of course because it’s how life works three of my closest pals/family have announced in last few weeks that they’re pregnant too. Basically any advice from anyone whose partner has said they don’t want another baby after miscarriage?

Aww I’m really sorry.
I’ve been the partner who didn’t want to try again after a miscarriage. My husband said, ‘let’s just make another’ and I was heartbroken. So I see his side. I think he definitely needs to grieve this before you try again and I think it’s nice you’re trying to give him the time to do that even when it’s tearing you apart. Your feelings are equally as valid as his and balancing the two and your toddler must be really hard.

I don’t really know what to say to you other than have you got someone supporting you? Miscarriage grief does funny things to you, I would definitely see if you could get referred too.

Im so sorry for your loss. You seem like a wonderful wife and mummy 💛

l’m so sorry for your loss. I’m in a similar situation so I know how complicated your feelings are. I lost my baby due to preterm delivery very recently, and I’m also desparately worried that my partner would not want to try again (he didn’t even want this one). He is also in the 40s and going through mid life. I don’t have any advice, but I think we could only give us and our partners some time to work through things. Just take it day by day and time will tell. I’m sorry that you have to go through this. Sending lots of hugs xx

I can imagine how hard it must be for you right now. My thought would be to look at what it is about being an older dad that is making it hard for him. Then look for work arounds that might both help his mental health and make him more able to consider another. Eg have u both had to give up on your hobbies / socialising? Could u each give each other an evening off to do that? Do u need to go on more date nights? Do u need to get a cleaner in to lighten the load? Etc.

So sorry for your loss. DH went through a stage of not wanting a second due to being older and it taking ages and having male PND. We eventually concieved when our eldest was just 3 and it's been a nice age gap and easier experience. Hopefully at 36 you have a bit of time for him to work on his mental health before you need to decide for certain.

I would recommend you also look into counselling if you haven’t already.

It may be helpful in aiding you to find a way to cope with your loss, but also with the possibility that your DH may never change his mind about wanting another child. His reasons are all very valid.

It does also sound like you already have a lot on without adding another child into the mix tbh.

says he doesn’t want another baby and finds being an older dad really hard

I don't see what this has to do with your miscarriage. Is it just that he has changed his mind? Which is horribly cruel IMO😞.

I agree with Gloschick above. Try to figure out what is worrying him and work on that.

Although it seems his mental health is quite fragile already. Has it always been so?

Thank you everyone for such helpful and thoughtful comments. Sorry for radio silence I got the wobbles about having posted. So reassuring to hear your thoughts and I’m also so so sorry for those of you who’ve had losses.