Coping with grief when partner wants to move forward

[Haileexo]

Three weeks ago, I lost my baby.

It still doesn’t feel real saying that out loud. One moment I was pregnant, feeling everything that comes with it, planning, thinking about the future… and then suddenly I wasn’t. No more appointments, no more milestones, just an emptiness that’s hard to explain unless you’ve been there.

We were told there was no amniotic fluid, something that was missed at first until I was finally referred. And by then, everything had already changed.

I’m heartbroken. I feel the loss every single day in ways I didn’t expect. It’s not just the baby, it’s the life I thought I was growing, the routine, the connection… everything.

I know my partner is hurting too, and I see that. But grief isn’t the same for everyone. He wants me to come to terms with it, to try and move forward, and I understand that in his own way he’s trying to help. But it’s not something I can just switch off or “move on” from. Not when I wake up every day and have to remember all over again that I’m no longer pregnant.

I also find it really hard when I get upset and he makes comments about how our 2 year old can feel my sadness and that it’s not fair. That just adds another layer of guilt on top of everything I’m already carrying, when I’m just trying to process something so painful.

If anyone has been through something similar, I’d really appreciate any advice on how you coped or ways you found to grieve. I’m trying to find something positive I can do to remember my baby, something that keeps them close in a different way 🤍

firstly i am sorry for your loss, secondly you must try and remember although what your husband said upset you. Just know he would never intentionally hurt you and try to keep that in mind going forward. as women we feel and express our emotions. men want to fix things and sadly your husband cannot fix this and he will struggle with that. I am spiritual and i don't know if this will help you, but children/babies that pass from this world, continue to grown and live and be happy on the other side. they are with your relatives that have passed i am feeling nanny. and that is a way of taking comfort know that your baby is with you just not in the physical but your toddler will see them. i would contact your doctor and get some support/counselling but as with any loss it will just take time. write a letter to your baby of anything you wish you could say—can be surprisingly powerful. You can keep it, revisit it, or even create a small memory box for it. then create a space in your garden with a seat and memorial tree, bury the letter by the tree. many other things you can do that will be personal to you. just please be gentle with yourself your husband and your child you have here. xx

I’m really sorry for your loss. I have just been here and still here so I’m with you. We lost our 23 week girl about a week ago. My partner and I have totally different ways of dealing with loss and sorrow. He is the avoidant type - not seeing not participating is his way of managing grief. Yet I’m the opposite - I need to experience it and go through every bit of it to have a proper closure. He looks totally fine a couple days later, while I still feel deeply sad and empty. Good side of this is that he could help a bit more at home and spent more time with our older one (6 yrs old). I can’t function throughout the day and I’m totally shutting myself down. Of course our older one saw this and felt it. I feel it’s unfair to him too. But I just can’t walk out of this for the time being. I wished my partner would stay by my side, wished he would join me to go through every step in saying bye to our baby. But that’s just not how he functions.

My partner and I will never be the same. Sometimes we have to accept and respect the difference. The good side of this is that we need at least one adult in the family that could stay calm and function.