Miscarriage has changed my feelings about children, unsure what to do

[Shorkie]

Hello!

I wasn’t sure what area to post this in really but hopefully it’s okay here. I don’t know what I’m hoping to get out of this post but this has felt like the loneliest period of my life ever so maybe just looking for a handhold!

I married my DH last year after 5 years together and we have such a great relationship, both very happy, we’ve always been on the same page about having children and both were happy not to have children, so we had those conversations. Long story but I had a crap doctor tell me at 21 I couldn’t have children due to having PCOS and always had really erratic periods so just thought it wasn’t in the cards for me (I now know this isn’t true)

However, a few months after we got married, I found out I was pregnant but unfortunately before I had time to figure out how I/we felt about it, I suffered a miscarriage. I was at the time very confused (I had a coil in situ so it was a complete fluke), very emotional and didn’t really know how I felt. DH has said ultimately he felt relieved as he doesn’t want children as we’d discussed although did say at the time he’d be happy to go ahead with whatever I wanted to do as it’s my body, was very supportive etc etc

however, we’re about 7 months since then and I can’t help but feel it’s changed something in me, it’s like a physical yearning that I’ve never experienced before when I see babies, but I’m just so torn. How am I supposed to figure out whether I really want to have children? I just feel so lost. Plus it’s difficult because me and DH were on the same page about children and now it doesn’t feel like we are, and I don’t even know where to start or what that even means for us. I’m at the age where EVERYONE around me is pregnant, there’s babies and pregnancy everywhere. I think I’ve been grieving since the miscarriage but not really allowing myself to. Like I didn’t let myself register what had happened and just tried to sweep it under the rug but it’s eating away at me.

I felt so happy and certain with my choice of not having children before but now I just feel lost. Confused. Torn. I keep thinking about all of the ‘what ifs’ if I don’t have children and wondering how the hell people make such a life changing decision and seem so certain.

I’ve been in therapy for a while and spoke about it at length there but just feel no certainty in either decision and I just feel lonely. I don’t know what to do.

I guess I’m looking for advice or just anyone in a similar situation?

thanks for reading x

Hi Op,

I didn't want to read & run.

Im sorry about your miscarriage and this sounds incredibly difficult to deal with.

If you don't mind sharing why does your DH not want kids? Have you discussed this together about how you are feeling? Also how old are you? Just trying to build up a picture.

I am not surprised that having a miscarriage has stirred up some unexpected feelings. I think it's really good that you are having counselling to work through these.

I guess what you need to work out now is how badly you want a child and what you want to do next as a result.

x

I'm sorry you had a miscarriage.

Clearly it has brought up some big feelings for you which is normal.

For me it was not brought on by anything in particular so I can't offer any experience from that point of view. However I was adamant I was not going to have children and was not maternal in the slightest. None of my family and friends were shocked I didn't want children. I was career driven and fiercely independent. I hid mid 20s and the desire to have children just arose from nowhere. All of a sudden I felt like it was something I needed to do and I genuinely stopped feeling fulfilled by everything else. I split from my then long term partner as we then wanted different things. I got with my children's father and we did end up having children. I now have two, 6 & 3. I was sterilised after giving birth to my second. For medical reasons really as another pregnancy etc would be really high risk due to complications with the first two. I still feel torn now. A lot of days I remind myself I only ever planned two children and probably couldn't realistically support a 3rd child in terms of time, money etc but equally I still feel like I wasn't quite done.

Anyway, I'm rambling. There is definitely a lot down to biology. Changing your mind is okay. It's okay to not make a decision right this second. There's no pressure and no right or wrong decision. There are pros and cons of both having children and remaining child free by choice.

Of course now I have my children I can't imagine life without them. They are literally the light of my life but I do also still enjoy my career and hobbies as well.
I see friends who chose not to have children and their life is different but not better or worse.

I’m sorry for your loss. There’s a difference between someone making a conscious choice to not have children and one who has conceived and then had it taken away. You’ve experienced physical loss, the realisation that you can actually can conceive, and the roller coaster of emotions that comes with that. Regardless of your original position, the grief certainly can cause a shift in many if not most women, in my experience. Without me crapping on too long about my own partner, I just want to say that mine went from being uninterested in having children, to ‘ok if you really want to we will try’ to loving being a dad and agreeing she’s the best thing that ever happened to us. We had loss after her and he’s changed his position a couple of times during that, but I have realised that its all in response to me and what he’s witnessed me going through. The fact that your partner has gone from being uninterested in children to being supportive, shows that a) his position can and has changed depending on the circumstance and b)you’ve got a supportive man who loves you, and may be flexible in his position on it all again depending how you are feeling. I look at it this way- if you try and nothing happens or you experience another loss, at least you’d know you tried. But if you don’t, you may always wonder what if. I’m not saying you definitely would, nor am I saying that everyone should try for children. I’m just suggesting that if you have doubts now about your former child-free stance, you may have doubts about it again down the track. It’s ok to change. That’s what life does to us. Maybe ask your hubby how he would feel about leaving it to fate. Instead of “do you want a baby”? How about “let’s just see what happens and if it does, we will love this child with all our heart, and if it doesn’t at least we will know we tried … this is just my point of view. I hope it helps in some small way. Good luck

I had a very similar experience OP, 100% sure I didn't want kids and then fell pregnant by accident, had an early miscarriage which kickstarted my 'biological clock' and then it was all I could think about. I did go on to have a DC (after another 3 losses) and I do adore them but honestly I wish I had resisted the urge, although I'm not even sure how possible that is once it's there.

All my reasons for not wanting DC are still there and valid, I'm a good mum but have to work really hard at it, it doesn't come naturally for me and I worry all the time that it's still not enough. It's every bit as life changing as I knew it would be and my original feeling that I would struggle with that was accurate, DC is 17 now and I still find it really hard having to be responsible for another person. I'm genuinely not trying to be negative, I've made the best of my situation but I have to be honest and say I wish I'd made a different decision, once they're here there's no going back.

Counselling might be helpful.
I'm childfree for many, many reasons but mainly because not a single aspect of gestating, birthing or raising someone appeals to me in any way. Quite the opposite.
In my forties now and life is peaceful and bliss, which is what I always wanted.

Choose the life you want.

Have you spoken to your DH about this OP? It sounds like he doesn't know the full extent of your feelings, perhaps because you feel guilty about potentially changing your mind from what you had agreed. You have to talk to him, that's the first step I think.

I was similar, but I’m sure my yearning was borne of a sense of failure to do something and I’m not great at dealing with failure. For about a year afterwards I wanted a baby, but I think just to prove to myself that I could.

A year to 18 months later I didn’t feel the same at all, I stopped having any emotional response to other people being pregnant and having babies, and I’m glad I didn’t succeed. It was just time that changed how I felt and came to terms with it, I definitely wanted a baby for the wrong reasons.

I’m so sorry OP. I was the same. I didn’t want kids at all but then I had a miscarriage and it’s all I want now. Yesterday I cried because it was Mother’s Day and it upsets me every year. I never thought I’d feel like that at all!

councilling is 100% a must. Talk to someone and sort through these feelings. It gets easier I promise.

Thank you!

sorry I should have included all that info was in a bit of an emotional spot when I posted this last night, we have an age gap, I’m 32 and DH is 47 and it’s the age that contributes to DHs current decision on not wanting children, he thinks he’s too old, but tbh I thought we were a similar age when we met, he’s fit, healthy and very young at heart. He has said he appreciates I’m younger and has told me when he was 30 he desperately wanted children to the point he suffered with depression as he just hadn’t met anyone he could see himself settling down with so he did appreciate me being younger has an impact on how I feel about it. The issue is it feels like it’s becoming less easy to talk about it and I can tell he feels uncomfortable when I bring it up, of course, so do I. They are tough conversations to have! I guess it adds pressure as we only got married last and we absolutely adore each other so don’t want to split up obviously and I feel like if he doesn’t want kids, I should respect that but ugh, it’s just tough. Especially when I know he’d be a great dad! He’s the cool uncle that all the kids gravitate towards at family gatherings and his niece and nephews think he’s the bees knees 😂

thanks for taking the time to reply 🙏🏼 x

Thank you. I’m so sorry to hear you’re in a similar situation, I too felt the same yesterday, I think that’s what drove me to post. Some times I’m fine, other days it just hits me like a tidal wave.

sending hugs to you x

OP, I never, ever wanted Children until I had a miscarriage. I too was using protection, I had only been with my (now) DH a year. I’m not sure what that miscarriage did but it lit a spark in Me and from then on I was desperate for Children. We now have 3 and I adore them. Sorry I don’t have any words of advice but it really did change my thought process entirely!

Thank you all so much for your replies and so sorry for those that have suffered loss too 💐 I really appreciate your honesty and vulnerability in sharing here, it helps just to hear other people going through the same thing. I resonate with a lot of things that have been shared here and think I need to get over it and just be really honest with DH about how I feel instead of expecting him to read my mind lol.
He has quite a demanding job so it just never feels like the right time but I don’t think there will ever be a right time! We go on holiday in a couple of weeks so I think I’ll broach the topic while we’re away and see how we get on.

I'm so sorry you had a miscarriage. I had a slightly similar situation where I got pregnant by accident, husband over joyed, me cautious. Ended in a miscarriage and I was devastated. I swept it under the rug and pretended I was fine and months later I went into a depression. It also unlocked something in me and I was desperate to have a baby to fill this void. I now have my daughter and have never been happier. If you think you want a child I would have a serious talk with your husband as it is unlikely something that will just go away. I don't think you will ever regret it if you do have a child. Just my opinion. But be kind to yourself and I hope everything works out for you as you wish

OP it sounds like he might be able to change his mind if he used to really want them. I would definitely speak to him and explain how you are feeling. 47 isn't too old for a dad these days!