Struggling after a chemical pregnancy loss

[Kitty1989S]

Last month I found out I was pregnant at around 3 weeks and 4 days on a strip test. The line was so pale I didn’t really believe it. Over the next 7 days I tested again each morning and watched the line grow darker and darker. I did 2 clear blue digital tests, 3 of their early tests plus the easy@homes. After the digital positives I told my husband who was overjoyed. We’ve been together a very VERY long time but TTC for 4 months. We had to wait for our lives to be in the right place before starting.

About 7 days later (which felt like months) I woke up in the middle of the night and felt really weird. Everything went white and I had nasty pelvic pains. The next morning I tested again as usual and the line was barely visible. Literally overnight it was gone. I thought maybe the urine was too dilute, started panicking and asking chat gpt for answers and crying a lot. I managed not to test again that day but did one the day after - another digital from the same packet as the first and there it was - Not Pregnant. The bleeding came shortly after and then it was all over. All the excitement, thinking about the future, weddings where I’ll have a bump, holidays I might be too big for. Then all the friends who are pregnant and the mat leave you could have shared… then the longer term planning I hadn’t even dreamed of yet. Boy or girl, what would they be like, would they like where we live, they’d grow up with our dog.

The term “chemical pregnancy” doesn’t sit right with me. That positive test made me feel like I was about to become a mum - entitled to be one. I feel broken and robbed of all of the exciting “firsts”. That first test and being overcome with all the happy emotions, telling your partner they’re going to be a dad. I’ll never get to have that experience again. It’s also extremely isolating. I’m not ready to tell people we’re trying yet but if I tell anyone we went through a loss then I’ll feel like I’m being watched.

I don’t really know why I’m posting this. We tried again this month but without the same enthusiasm. I read that your chances are better straight after so we thought why not. Now I feel like if it doesn’t work out this cycle I won’t be able to cope and the reality of the loss will hit me properly. I think the loss is currently being numbed by the prospect that our chances right now are the best they’ll ever be. I think if I don’t get pregnant again immediately I might have a breakdown. Saying that if I do I probably won’t trust it to hang around anyway.

Has anyone else gone through this and found it as awful as this? I’ve felt ok the last week or so but today feels different. I feel low. Maybe I’m going to get my period soon.

I’m angry at the world, my body and the NHS for offering no support. I’m angry that as teenagers we were taught that accidental pregnancy was extremely likely and luring us into a false sense that when the time came we could just have it. I’m frustrated and impatient and fed up.

open forum thoughts comments welcome

I’m so sorry. Even though it’s so early it still hurts so much, doesn’t it? I was almost 5 weeks pregnant when I had a chemical pregnancy and I was devastated. We’d been trying for about 4 months as well, had just got engaged and then I discovered I was pregnant. We conceived the weekend my dh proposed so it felt so magical and like it was destined to be. And then I started bleeding. Physically, I found the whole experience incredibly painful and I threw up from the pain. I was sent to the EPU and the dr was so cold about the whole thing, which made me feel even worse. I sat there crying as she told me there was nothing there anymore and we could try again once I stopped bleeding. After the dr went the nurse was lovely to me and hugged me and gave me a little pep talk which helped. I think the physical pain and the EPU experience made it hard, but mentally I felt a complete loss of hope and it felt like the future I had envisaged had been stolen from me, which sounds so silly as I’d only known about the pregnancy for a week. But that’s how it felt. It was hard and I was very unhappy and cried constantly for weeks, and then I was miserable about it for a long time afterwards. It didn’t help that we decided to put trying again on hold until after we got married the following year. Realistically I don’t think I really got over it until I had my dd. The pregnancy with her was mentally challenging, particularly for the first 3 months as I was terrified I’d miscarry. But I found that setting myself targets helped me focus on the here and now rather than the what ifs.

After my chemical pregnancy, I also felt very lonely. I would see pregnancy announcements on Facebook for babies due at the same time as my baby would have been and it hurt so much. And people would say to me “oh it’ll be your turn next” as if we’re all lining up in an orderly queue waiting for our go. I even had extended in-laws telling me that we were “doing it” wrong as we didn’t have children yet. And I smiled and held my tears back because I didn’t want to break down in front of them when it was so raw. And I felt the anger as well when I saw people surrounded by kids they didn’t look after properly and swore at, and I just wanted a child to love- it felt so unfair that it came to some people so easily and to others it was so difficult.

I don’t expect I’m helping much, but just wanted to say that what you’re feeling is very normal and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Work your way through your sadness and grieve for what you’ve lost, make peace with the idea that for whatever reason that pregnancy wasn’t right but that next time the chances are that it will be, and don’t give up. I felt utter despair at times, and thought I’d never hold my own baby, but it did happen and it was completely worth all the pain I went through.

I had my first chemical pregnancy when I was 28 (accidental pregnancy). I got a positive digital then started bleeding 5 days later and tests were negative. I’d never even heard of a chemical pregnancy then. It really did devastate me. Even though it wasn’t a planned pregnancy I was so happy. I didn’t think miscarriages really happened to “young” people. Stupid really. It really does put a damper on future pregnancies unfortunately. I think you always worry the same thing will happen.
Unfortunately for me I was unable to have any children. I only ever had a few more miscarriages later in life (started officially trying at 37). But I think the chances of that happening are tiny. I just fell into the really unlucky category. I dont know anyone in real life who didn’t manage to have children after a miscarriage other than me. So hopefully next month will be your month!