Hi, I feel the medical field is not always super supportive or supportive in the way I am feeling I need, but I’m struggling.
At 23 I was told that I would likely never have children. And then last year, on June 29th 2025, I suffered a miscarriage. I was 38 and for the three months leading up to the miscarriage I suspected that I was pregnant, but I’ve literally never been pregnant before nor have I ever had a miscarriage. I did take a pregnancy test early on which did come back negative, so until I actually miscarried I just kept telling myself that it’s just my body being my body.
I started therapy to hopefully crawl out of the deep and very dark hole that I was hiding in for the next eight months, and to my surprise on January 25 of this year, I discovered I was pregnant. So based on my last period and all things considered, when I went for my first ultrasound on February 19 I expected to be roughly 8 to 9 weeks pregnant.
Well, definitely not the case because baby was too small to be seen outside of the heartbeat, which was a blessing to even see that. It wasnt an ideal outcome as I was hoping to see my little stubby arm and leg baby, but I was so happy to just see that heartbeat. To know that I have another living thing in me, that all this was headed towards the direction we ultimately wanted!
So now I get into the appointment with my provider and she says all right, so baby is very tiny and the heartbeat is a little bit slower so there’s one of two options, either your only six weeks and a few days pregnant, which aligns with a slower heartbeat or you’re at the start of pregnancy loss.
Clearly, I spiraled. And while I have been able to maintain my positivity to some degree, I’m terrified that when I go back this coming Friday for a follow up ultrasound that something is going to happen and that deep dark hole will come rushing back for me.
not to mention, I thought I was closing in on my first trimester and to find out that I’m basically starting over is just another form of heartbreak. I’m 39. I accepted that I would never have children and now in the past eight months two different times I have become pregnant. So I clearly feel like the universe is telling me something, but I never realized how terrifying this would all be asking with the lack of control that I have over what ultimately happens.
Thank you for letting me share. This is the first forum I’ve ever joined so just looking for some peace of mind amongst other women who have experienced the same thing.