Miscarriage and marriage advice

[Loveandheights]

If you don’t like long posts, just scroll to last two paragraphs. Details above for those who like them.

Hello,

I miscarried my fourth pregnancy last month. I have already three beautiful children but love big families was very excited for a fourth. MMC at 11 weeks based on measurement growth probably stopped at 9.5 weeks. I have never yet been through pain quite like that but, one month in, I feel I am recovering.

I am writing because of the effect this has had on my marriage. My husband can’t cope with seeing me upset and is quite angry at me telling me to snap out of it etc. I have duly wrapped up any expression of my emotion about this around the 2 weeks post event mark, fully pretending to be fine, because of his anger at me when I’m not.

My husband has said for a long time that he doesn’t want me to give birth to any more children once he’s past 40 so this was my last chance for a baby basically. I’d need to get pregnant this month for it to happen again “in time”. I’m newly turned 38 - this isn’t about my age- it’s about his.

Since the miscarriage he has completely ceased our marital “relations.” It has been about a month. I asked him if he wants me to get protection etc. No. I’ve asked if this is just an embargo he’s putting on for the next 5 or 6 or 10 years. Apparently yes.

I’ve expressed that I don’t think that’s healthy for the marriage and he says how he’s already told me he’ll have a fourth if I start doing the laundry, saying it’s symbolic. I already do all the folding and putting away of the laundry he just washes it. I grew up with two women in the house three days a week doing all of these things my mom worked I just never learned how to do them. I put in a decent effort with house stuff and do have some help two afternoons/evenings a week from a babysitter and a cleaner every 1/2 weeks but for sure with three kids even with everyone’s good efforts it’s intermittently imperfect.

His mom was a full housewife for 8 years for 5 kids then went back to a teaching job. Queen of laundry.

I’m at an unexpected juncture at my life. I got quietly fired from my extremely demanding job (which he hated when I was working it) on my third mat leave. I’m relieved because I can spend time with the kids now do the drop offs do the pick ups remember the book days but weird feeling in the house now I don’t have a husbands love in the same way anymore and also weird to give up my highly trained for profession.

After he thwarted many opportunities in my career, telling me e.g. I’m selfish if I say yes to them, I’m not the woman of the house my nanny is, my children never see me, among other such hurtful comments (maybe accurate?), my husband is now telling me he wants me to go back to work. It’s not that easy for me to get back in atm but can be done with effort ++ and potentially compromise on role.

I’m super confused and looking for advice from women who have been through mid life. Two questions:

Firstly, if you could go back in time would you:

A) go back to work at all costs, even if taking a lower role/salary at first?
B) spend 3-5 years with the young kids and try going back after since you’re already in a weak position anyway

Secondly, does anyone have any tips for re establishing intimacy after a miscarriage and or managing his perhaps unspoken emotions around it? Any tips generally for getting through the time following miscarriage?

Thank you!

In your position with what sounds like a pretty unpleasant and unsupportive husband I’d absolutely prioritise going back to work. You are so trapped otherwise no matter how unpleasant things get.

He just sounds awful. I’m sorry for your loss, it is very early days for anyone to expect you to get over it, especially the person who should be your staunchest supporter.
I’d agree with the above that you need to be getting back to work and future planning for independence.
What is the withholding sex about? It sounds clear he doesn’t want a fourth child (which is fine) but the mature thing would be to talk about it and agree on contraception. He can get a vasectomy if he is sure about no more children.

I woild be looking at work options now even if it is a step down from where you were. It will get harder the longer you are away. Miscarriage is so stressful and you are both grieving but it also can show up issues in a relationship. Hopefully in time you come out stronger as a couple but you may also come out of the grief stronger as an individual. So plan for ahead.

Ok, fired while on Maternity? If you’re in the UK then this is illegal except in extraordinary circumstances but if it was a while ago it’s too late to sort that.

I would go back to work. It gives you some financial security outside the marriage.

Other things: if this attitude is new, it could be grief appearing as anger and the withholding of sex could be a fear / grief response too. If it isn’t, then maybe counselling might help?

Household itself: you say you don’t know how to do certain things - get one of those books aimed at people with ADHD that splits household tasks by day and explains how to do them. Learn how to operate your washing machine - they are incredibly easy now.

as for another child. I think that unless you have marriage counselling and deal with his anger then it really isn’t a good idea. The chances of miscarriage increases once you’ve had one, as do the chances of genetic problems with maternal age.

But you need to sort through the anger and other issues before you even consider trying, or you could be a single mother of 4.

Thank you so much everyone. I wrote a longer and much more outing post which I have deleted but I’ll summarise to say late thirties have felt like a real transition point away from fertility babies the total focus on that and into something new that I’m still understanding and defining.

I’m going to take up the recommendation for the ADHD cleaning and also try to spend more time with my husband and communicate better about what he wants next. I think a lot of it is were a tiny bit burned out with the three children currently- I was definitely not as helpful as usual when pregnant and for sure burned out after the miscarriage.

One thing which seems obvious but I think can be overlooked is women need a means of regenerating their own energy and joy when perpetually looking after others. Weirdly, paid professional work can be this sometimes in the right context and I actually think that’s what my husband is upset about me losing is that locus of self and purpose.

I have a case ongoing with work which coincided very painfully with exact onset of my miscarriage so hopeful that brings something positive for someone, even if it’s just a signal to my employer that their procedures around maternity leave need to be implemented differently for future women.

Thank you all for your words and for taking the time to write to me. The miscarriage seemed to empty my heart out and reform it into a new shape. It will never go back to the same shape as before but it’s getting refilled with love and purpose all the same.

Just wanted to give the update outside of the acute miscarriage window:

• had the long hard emotionally vulnerable conversation
• relations resumed thereafter
• I interviewed and got a job and am returning to work this month. Husband is relieved. I will miss my kids but I know I can do it.

Thank you everyone