I had a very early miscarriage last week, I was 5.5-6 weeks pregnant, I can't be 100% sure as my cycles weren't regular but I felt pregnant. I have two children already who are 10 and 7, this was my first loss.
I spent the last 5 years going backwards and forwards on a 3rd child. I used to cry when I heard about 3rd or 4th pregnancies from friends. We decided to give it a 3-month TTC trial last year as a last minute, "let's see what happens" as I didn't want children after age 35 (because I had mine quite young). It didn't happen so I sat back and was grateful for the first time ever, I closed that door to having anymore kids.
Fast forward to last week, I was 4 days late and took a test and we couldn't believe we were pregnant, as we are always careful.
Honestly, I was in utter shock, I cried for two whole days and had high anxiety about being pregnant and birthing again, sleepless nights, how we could afford it and the age gap to our kids etc. I even considered calling BPAS but couldn't bring myself to as I realised it was meant to be. I had longed for another for so many years and I think the shock was all too much.
Two days later, after I had come round from the shock and started to feel a bit excited I started bleeding. It was horrid cramps and I sat on the loo for a while.
Now 6 days later I am passed the worst of it physically, but I feel...empty. I have cried every day. I can't stop thinking about the 'what ifs'. I go between feeling relief that the anxiety has gone and crying that I won't ever know that little person. It is horrid. I know it was so early so I also feel guilt about feeling this way when people have worse losses.
Does it get better? Will I be changed forever?