Is having a funeral too much

[Boymum2256]

I lost my baby girl at almost 17 weeks my waters broke and I give birth to her I held her and loved her so much.

I posted her little memorial with a candle etc on my facebook and I had both my parents tell me I shouldn’t be posting my personal stuff and that I’m disgusting for doing so and they made me feel horrible and like I shouldn’t be grieving my daughter.

I don’t speak to them now but baby’s funeral is this Friday and I can’t help but feel like it’s all too much and stupid for having a funeral for my baby who was only the size of my hand. I want the funeral and I want to say my last goodbye to the baby I would have had but I don’t want to tell anyone incase they think I’m being stupid.

i know me feeling this way is down to my parents, did anyone have a funeral for their baby that they lost at 17 weeks?

I am so sorry for your loss - it is heartbreaking. I think a funeral is really important and it isn't too much at all. Sending you all my best wishes and sympathy

My son and DIL lost a pregnancy that was ectopic. The hospital held a service for lost pregnancies like this ,and other early miscarriages , which parents could attend. We offered to go if they wanted us to. It was not just a bunch of tiny cells, it was the loss of a much wanted future child. I was surprised at how sad I felt at the loss of a grandchild I'd never get to meet. You are not wrong to have a funeral. It is no one else's business. You are allowed to feel however you feel.

I can't get past your parents calling you disgusting!
My condolences to you @Boymum2256 💐
Rest in peace little one 🌟

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I think some of their perception is generational, I’ve attended funerals for stillborn babies and talking to the elder relatives who attended there was a definite theme of ‘in my day we got on with it’ and a sense of almost bafflement that funerals are conducted now for babies who didn’t make it. There were mixed opinions on whether it was a ‘good’ thing to have the funeral but mostly positive, one lady I felt desperately sad for as she told me she wasn’t even allowed to hold her baby, they took it away as was apparently protocol at the time and she never got over not saying goodbye, which is what funerals are for in my book. You don’t say how old your parents are but I can’t imagine they are as old as the people who shared these views with me (would be in their late 70s to mid 80s now). So I’m a bit surprised they aren’t able to be kinder. I’m really sorry they aren’t supporting you in this.

Our family have twice been in this position (quite a few years apart) ~ we had a funeral for one baby but the other parents didn't have a funeral. It's very much a personal choice, which I fully respect, but I felt having the funeral was a chance for the parents to grieve for their little one and for the wider family & friends to support the parents & acknowledge what had happened. The funeral was conducted by a hospital chaplain who was absolutely wonderful ~ she concentrated on the parents and really seemed to understand what they were experiencing

Sending you love & sympathy ~ you will be in my thoughts & prayers on Friday

It’s entirely up to you, there’s no right or wrong way of doing grief. Unfortunately after a loss people will be cruel to you, it’s not as rare as it should be.

Im sorry you lost your baby.

Absolutely agree with you.

And to add to this - a lot of people post that they are pregnant on social media. So then they are expected to not post when it doesn't work out? Are they expected to contact everyone 1-2-1 and explain they've had a loss, or answer questions about the pregnancy and baby when people inevitably ask if they knew she was pregnant? Social media shouldn't be only the good things that happen in life in my opinion.

Of course it also shouldn't be expected that people share anything on social, it's totally personal preference either way. But for me if you are a regular person and not an influencer etc then you shouldn't have to be fearful of responses from friends and family if you want to share news. People share losses every day on social media as a quick and easy way to get the news out at a very difficult time xx

This is such a good point - the grief of baby loss isn't just the loss of that particular baby. It's the loss of all your hopes and dreams of that life you were preparing for, mentally and physically. And it is most often a shock too, just to add an additional layer of complexity.

Of course you can have a funeral for your baby, it’s not too much at all, you can grieve for her in whatever way you want.
Your baby girl didn’t exist for long, but for her entire existence all she knew was you and your love. Hold on to that thought because that’s special, that love between you and her.
Your parents have really let you down with this and I’m so sorry for you. If you were my daughter I would be right at your side with my arms around you until you were ready for me to let go. I’m sending you that hug now through the universe 🩷

OP first I am sorry for your loss. I think that everyone has a right to grieve the way they need to grieve. I also think its an unpleasant reaction by your parents. Only you know whether this is normal for them or could be because such things were not done in their youth. I don't usually attribute nasty behaviour to age (I am in my 70's myself) but in this case I am going to make a partial exception. I remember the shock it caused locally among all adult ages when a local couple who were well known in the community, not famous but known to loads of people because of the jobs they did, had a "proper" funeral for their daughter who only survived for hours after her birth. People who had no right or reason to comment were expressing an amazing level of shock and disapproval.

I lost my son just over a month ago at 16+6. He was cremated but I love showing off his little desk in my room with his urn and if anyone thought it was to ‘personal’ I’d tell them where to go, you are grieving and going through definitely the worst thing ever , I am so sorry. Please have the funeral because I think if you decide not to you will regret it in the future if you want a chat or anything please message me even for my number , sending my love & hugs mamma x

And also us losing our baby’s at the same gestation and holding our baby’s they was real and perfect. From their little face little nose to their little hands & feet. They was fully formed just so dinky 🥺💔

I’m so very sorry for your loss. I lost my girl at 15 weeks, she was still alive but I had to be induced due to sepsis. When I was given the options of burial, cremation, a service and I found it really hard to comprehend in the hospital bed (while very sick) what to do. I tried to deny it in my head because I was thinking 15 weeks is still early second trimester and I felt silly (so stupid of me now I think of it, I don’t mean to offend anyone it’s just how I felt in the moment). We did a cremation just me and my husband and looking back it was the best thing ever for us. It’s so important to acknowledge your baby. Decide whatever you think is best and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

it is definitely not stupid to have a funeral. Your parents are stupid, though. I'm sorry you don't have their support.

💐