My partner and I went for our second scan a week ago (it would have been 11/12 weeks and we were expecting good news to share with the rest of our friends and family). Our closest friends knew already. It was too small and no change from scan prior month and sac deflated and was told it was a miscarriage. Which means I had already been carrying for a month thinking it was good news as I was doing everything right and had full swing symptoms.
At the scan last week she told us I had to get treatment and I was nervous about the pills. I had been scheduled 3 days later to go to the hospital. Two days prior to the hospital apt my partner had to leave for a work trip (his work involves constant travel and that’s just his industry which I understand /understood at the time)- his appearances are signed and booked over a year in advance.
We got in a bad fight the day he left. We made up. I think we were both in shock and pain and angry at the world and sad to be apart and we don’t handle these goodbyes very well in general.
At the hospital I was told I need to do it in the hospital and need to be scheduled in - so I am now scheduled in for next week. A whole extra week of carrying death. And alone.
My friends have been amazing taking me to apts, going for food and offering company. I haven’t really wanted it as I just feel I suppose depressed. My pregnancy symptoms finally have just started going down (tits still hurt though). I get calls and texts from my partner..but I’m just so angry at him for not choosing to be here over work (even though I know that means the consequences of potentially loosing the contract). He wants to try again… but I just don’t want to feel alone during pregnancy or this again. I don’t know how to forgive him for not being with me while I wait around with headaches, cramps, feelings and all this shit while I just wait to see if I bleed ( and perhaps endure intense pain and bleed out in the night) and/or wait till this apt and then have to go through those days alone as I have to take the first pill 2 days prior to the hospital - and be alone. I’m furious and for sure taking out anger which I know isn’t ok but I cannot forgive this for some reason. Anyone else?