Angry, sad, numb

[StrawberryPi]

I have just suffered a missed miscarriage/a embryonic pregnancy, first picked up around 7 weeks, finally dealt with by MVA at 10+5. It was my first pregnancy and we were absolutely delighted that we conceived quite easily.

i had my procedure on Tuesday (it’s Saturday now) so I know it’s early days but I just feel like I’m rocketing between emotions.

Angry about how unfair this all is. Why has this happened to me? Why does everyone else manage to carry successfully? Why is it all so undignified - bleeding, pain, feeling sore from having to wear pads etc? Angry with my body for betraying me - why couldn’t it tell there was no baby?

Sad that the child we had just started to get excited about and imagine a future for never materialised. Sad that the future I had pictured (telling my family at Christmas, visiting friends abroad with my baby next Autumn etc) won’t happen. I want to sit and sob in the bath but I’m not even allowed to bathe (showers only).

Numb. A combination of exhausted and restless. Zero motivation at work or home. Our flat is a tip, I’ve been dropping balls at work. Sometimes I just feel nothing and don’t even know how to move my body, let alone get on with things.

i am trying to stay active and exercise gently (always a good thing for my mental health). I am trying to keep seeing friends and family who have all been amazing. I have tried to allow myself to feel my grief. I have tried to just get in with things.

i know this has slightly turned into a (quite cathartic) rant, but I would also greatly appreciate any tips from those who have been in this boat. Or just words of solidarity I suppose. I don’t know really. I’m so sorry for anyone else who is going through this. It’s lonely and isolating and just all in all quite shit.

I'm glad it's cathartic. Loss is shit. And when so often it's unexplained it's even harder not to be mad about it. Why should other people have an easy time of it?! Before I got pregnant I had no idea that MMC existed. What a cruel twist of biology.
I don't think there's an easy way through. You are fair in all your feelings. Your dream has been (hopefully temporarily) shattered, and that sucks. Factually, there are some positives. You know that your eggs and your partner's sperm are compatible (again, didn't know that they might not be before having kids!). You know that you ovulated and that a fertilised egg can implant. You know that you have the right hormone levels to sustain a pregnancy (although it's cruel in this scenario). But emotionally, I'd be raging. And I was, and I "only" had a chemical miscarriage. So huge hugs, and I hope that things are easier next time.

Thank you @Sillysoggyspaniel, that’s such a kind and validating comment. You are right that there are so many good signs in this situation by that doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel unbelievably shitty and cruel.

I’m so sorry to hear about your chemical pregnancy, and it’s definitely not “only”. I have been listening to a few episodes of the BFN podcast, and they talk about pregnancy or potential pregnancy as a “baby in mind”. It’s still a loss and still devastating how ever far we get along, and we don’t need to compare our misfortunes.

I hope things get easier for you too. How are you doing mentally with the processing?

It's shit. Know that you aren't alone, although it does feel like it when you're going through it! I've had 3 losses (one spontaneous MC, 1 chemical and one MMC) trying for our second child. It feels completely unfair.

Realised I said it’s Saturday now, when it’s Sunday! Shows how poorly my brain is working aha!

I was very lucky - I got pregnant with my now daughter the following month. But if I hadn't I'm not going to pretend that I would have processed that well. The only thing that helped me through that pregnancy (I already had a little boy so you'd have thought it would be easier) was thinking that as far as I knew, at that point, I was pregnant. I might not be tomorrow, but right now, I was. Bit of a Schrödinger's cat philosophy but we all clutch at straws.

Aw that’s amazing to hear and really gives me hope - we are planning to try again as soon as we are medically cleared, so I hope we will be able to move past this (though of course not forget) very soon. We’re going on Honeymoon in January so hoping a Honeymoon baby might be on the cards….

Oh rant away! I find ranting helps me loads. I try hard not to get sucked into a downward spiral, but you definitely need to let yourself process and feel all the feelings. Miscarriage sucks. MMC sucks (especially since most of us who go through it don't even know it exists until it happens to us!)

Try to be kind to yourself in terms of not being on top of things. You're grieving and your body and hormones are also physically adjusting. It takes time to start feeling more human again. Xx

Also - whilst it feels like you're alone and everyone else carries to term easily, this really isn't the case. Sadly so so many women experience loss, it's the worst club. Xx

Thank you - yes it has felt good to even put some of this down in words. DH is/has been amazing looking after me whilst trying to hold himself together, but it don’t think he quite gets the randomness and fluctuations of my emotions and hormones. I am starting to feel more like myself every day (and I don’t feel sick any more, so that’s something). Work have also been great and are encouraging me to take as much time as I need, but being at home without anything to do makes me feel completely at sea so I’ve not had a huge amount of time off apart from the actual appointment times etc.

You are right, it’s a shitty club but I’m so grateful for others like you who at least understand where I’m at right now. Thank you so much for commenting, I do hope you are doing OK too xxx