Struggling after 20 week loss

[MissingMyBaby]

A few weeks ago, I lost my 20 week old baby after going into early labour. It happened so quickly and I’m really struggling to come to terms with this loss. I cry everyday and I think about my baby 24/7. Has anyone been through this? Everyone keeps saying things will get better but I just don’t see it.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I lost my long awaited ivf twins at 20 weeks after going into to early labour. I remember being sat at my parents house saying I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again. The pain and loss were immense.

I amazingly had a spontaneous pregnancy 3 months later, he turns 10 in the new year. I’ll never be over the loss of the twins but my boy helped me move on.

You will be fine, just give yourself time. xxx

I'm so sorry. I lost my baby girl at the start of September at 22 weeks after 4 previous miscarriages. It's absolutely devastating and I think we underestimate the shock that you go into when something that traumatic happens. I regularly wake up feeling disappointed that I've woken up and just desperately not wanting to face the world. I've cried nearly every day for 6 weeks, you're not alone xx

I’m so sorry to both of you. It’s a rubbish club to be a part of.

@toodleloohey what did it feel like to be pregnant again and how did you feel when your baby arrived? As much as I want to try again, i’m scared that that my mind will think it’s the same pregnancy or that i will be shocked and sad that the new baby isn’t the baby i lost.

@Moosey898 that is exactly how I feel. Every day is difficult and I can’t stop crying. I can’t see a way out of this grief. Does anything help you?

@MissingMyBabyThe next pregnancy was very fraught. It was consultant led and lots of extra scans. But the scans just settled my mind for a few days until the worry crept back.

I started to feel better after 30 weeks as I knew we were in with a fighting chance then.

Once my son was born everything else melted away. I console myself with the fact that if I’d had the twins I wouldn’t have had my son. He’s incredible and has made motherhood everything I hoped it would be.

If losing the twins was the price for my son as hard and painful as it’s been then I’d go through it again. I have the child I was meant to have.

I'm sure I would feel very differently if I hadn’t then had a successful pregnancy.

You can get through this. xxx

@MissingMyBaby I try to throw myself into things to keep me busy - I've done a big clean out of my house including my clothes and am selling tons on vinted. I've put a focus on my health and have started exercising again, doing couch to 5k, walking more and trying to cook healthy food for myself again. Honestly though, my chest aches constantly. And I'm terrified I'll never get to be mum to a living baby. Trying to hold on to hope, but it's so hard. Sending all the love xx

Thank you so much @toodleloohey that has really helped me to think more positively about the future.

@Moosey898 i think you have the right idea, thank you for making me feel a little less alone in this. I’d also like to start exercising again and eating well to nourish my body for hopefully a future pregnancy. If you don’t mind me asking, have you thought about trying again?

@MissingMyBaby it's just a great distraction to be honest, trying to do something positive for my health. With the added benefit that it can only help fertility.

Yeah we are trying again from this cycle - my period arrived a few days ago (first one post losing Ava). Don't expect anything to come of it but again, just want to feel like we're being proactive and trying everything we can xx

This happened to me. She would have been 6 now if she had survived. I was a total mess and in a deep, deep grief.

I already had a 4yo and just couldn’t be the best mum for a while (then the obvious guilt from that).

everyone said try again but I was too terrified so my healing eventually came from my daughter and reconciling that she would never have a sibling.

it’s so hard. It does get better and eventually you stop feeling guilty when you laugh. I have a box of her momentos that I look at from time to time and I talk to her, but mostly she sleeps quietly in my heart as I get on with life.

Don’t rush it. Time really is the best thing xx

I am very sorry for your loss. I had an 18 week loss in January. It does get easier, it never goes away, you never forget or get over it, but it gets easier. I took 3 months off work and spent my time redecorating my house. I cleaned it everyday just to keep myself busy. I did a lot of sorting of junk we had collected over the years. Mostly I just did lots of things to distract myself. I only went back to work because I felt I was at risk of losing my job (fixed term contract was ending).
We did jump straight back into TTC, partly because it had taken so long to get pregnant in the first place, partly because we both felt it was the only thing we wanted and that would help us. I booked us a short break to Rome, purely because I was so obsessed with getting pregnant again and I wanted to go to the trevi fountain to make a wish and then light a candle in Vatican City. I am not sure if how I dealt with everything was healthy, but it was what worked for me.
I am now 30 weeks pregnant and it has been hard, there was a lot of anxiety, I was pregnant before our original due date so there has been mixed feelings of guilt around the fact if we hadn't lost Riley, then this baby would never exist.
I am consultant led. I have had a lot of scans but like someone else said, that only helped the anxiety for a day or so. For me making it to our 20 week scan and everything looking good, is when my anxiety reduced. I still get anxious now if I don't feel baby move for a while, or like last night the dog jumped up at me and I worried until I felt baby move. But now I have got to 30 weeks I feel like we are on the home stretch and baby could survive if born now.

I think the further along the pregnancy the harder it is to bare. In your head they are already your baby. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this miserable pain. I lost my baby at 16 weeks and 4 days and it was devastating. I was 42 and tknew the chances of ever having a baby with DH were very slim after losing our baby. I didn't get pregnant again and we really tried very hard, but we went on to foster 2 boys both with learning disabilities who have brought us a lot of joy.