Will I ever get over the grief?

[Limon87]

In May I had my fourth loss and it has broken me beyond repair I fear. Still just so so devastated. It was a missed miscarriage at ten weeks, we’d seen a heartbeat twice (previous losses were due to a lack of progesterone and couldn’t sustain the pregnancy so lost naturally). Had an erpc which wasn’t straight forward and was very unwell after with anemia.

I didn’t feel this so much with my other losses but with this baby I loved them beyond words. From the moment we found out. He/she was so wanted and I felt complete. The loss has floored me beyond anything I was prepared for. I feel so angry, and despite feeling so grateful for all I have I just feel - why us again?

I have a beautiful three year old little boy and I so desperately wanted to give him a sibling but now am paralysed with fear and anxiety and just can’t go there again for fear of what it would do to me and our little family. I think another loss would be something I would never come back from - I already feel like an alien to everyone because they can’t relate to it. Also no longer feels right for us but of course I’ll never feel like it was truly our choice because trauma is playing a huge factor.

I just keep asking why, why another loss. I also believed with every ounce of my body that the baby was meant to be and all was well. I had no doubts, no worries, was just so happy and trusting that everything was going to work out. I am so angry and sad since. And I worry I’m never going to get past it.

I’m 39 in January and have been on this journey for nearly a decade. Was about to start IVF but we’ve knocked it on the head.

Feel like I am floating around pretending I am ok and happy, but actually I am just devastated.

Any stories of hope and healing would be welcome.

Note - please do not come at me telling me to just be grateful for what we have and try minimise my grief because we have a child. I know full well how lucky I am, more then ever because against all odds we had him. I’m asking for help to cope with my grief regardless.

Hi OP. I am so very very sorry for your losses.

I too am 39, I have one DC at 2.8yr old and I have had 2 consecutive MMCs, both unexplained.

I had progesterone and aspirin for the second MMC so I really felt that would have “fixed” me and was devastated when it didn’t. My last loss was late last year and I took 4 months off for my own mental health but now I’m coming up to 6 months of TTC since with no result.

i went private for a full check and nothing found - my partner hasn’t been checked as yet though.

i am totally with you in that I feel hardly anyone understands how I feel - I get a mix of it’ll be fine/it’ll work out/you’re lucky to have what you have/some don’t want to approach the subject at all. I hate when people hide pregnancies from me but I also hate when I hear about them. I hate when I see a child who looks a similar age to my own and I see the parent with either a baby or a baby bump.

i can’t imagine what I will even feel like if I was to fall pregnant again as that would be a whole world of anxiety and worry in itself.

i don’t have any positive stories (yet - I hope I will one day) but I just wanted to let you know that your feelings are completely valid and understandable. Big hugs to you xx

Hey Op, I’m so so sorry. I feel the pain in your works and recognise it myself.

I had 3 miscarriages (11, 5 and 8 weeks), a TFMR (16 weeks) and then another miscarriage (9 weeks) also after we’d seen a heartbeat. I’m the same age as you.

My emotions have been different towards each loss - for example, the TFMR broke me but my last miscarriage made me more angry than upset (“why us again?”).

I will say though that it all really does get less heavy with time. Give yourself space to grieve, look after yourself and consider accessing counselling.

After our 5th loss we decided to take a month off work, went away and just spent lots of time on self care. We really needed it. Perhaps think about something like this - even if it’s a long weekend.

(I did then go on to have a little boy.)

Hi OP. I'm so so sorry for your losses. It is just awful and no one understands unless they've been through it.

I'm 37 and I have a 2.11 year old DD who I conceived no problems first try and had a straightforward pregnancy with. I then fell pregnant easily again two more times but the first was an MMC discovered at ten weeks and then a blighted ovum discovered at seven weeks. Like a previous poster I was devastated on the first loss and more angry at the second one. I just thought, again?! I was also furious at what felt like wasted time that I don't have to waste at 37.

With the MMC I took nearly a month off and spent most of it in bed. I just felt so sad. But that sadness has lifted and I do feel better. I'll never forget that baby and I marked its due date in August which was lovely. Also, speaking to women on Mumsnet who have been through the same really helped.

I am currently pregnant again. I'm 11+2 and have had two scans which show a healthy baby with a strong heartbeat. I'm nervously awaiting the results of my NIPT and then my 12 week scan next week. There was also lots of women on the MMC thread who have gone one to have successful pregnancies and healthy babies.

Taking care of yourself and reaching out for support will help x

I'm so sorry for your losses. I've had 4 MMCs and seen heartbeats at earlier scans in all of them and had no symptoms anything was wrong so I can resonate with the shock and trauma. We unfortunately also lost our 5th pregnancy at 22 weeks (had to induce her as I had developed an infection that was threatening my life). I have so much anger and so many times I ask "why us". After everything we've already been through, we finally had a healthy baby and then that happens.

I'm afraid I don't have any stories of healing - I first started trying for a family 9 years ago, last year I was diagnosed with chromosome abnormalities so our next stop will be IVF. But everything you are feeling is totally valid - you can be grateful for what you have whilst grieving what you lost and what you want. A lot of people would look at my life overall and tell me to be grateful but that is so unhelpful when you can't get what you truly desire.

I'm also spending a lot of time doing reflection and therapy - to process the anger and the grief and allow myself to feel. It also helps remind me I'm not being unreasonable in how I'm feeling. I'd definitely recommend it if you haven't already spoken to someone independent x

Hello all, sorry for the late reply. I hid a bit.

We had an ERPC in May and one thing we could not get was our genetic testing results - an angry story for another day. Any way they came in a letter on Saturday and our baby was a bay girl who had Turner’s syndrome causing the miscarriage.

It doesn’t necessarily make the grief any easier, but I am feeling a bit of closure.

thanks for sharing all your stories and support. X

Yes you will but it really is a one day at a time journey
speaking from experience, I found the losses where I knew we’d just crack on with trying again much easier to get past than when my dh said enough was enough - although in hindsight I’m not sure if I was just trying to minimise things so that he didn’t suggest we stop trying.
Sending you lots of love. It’s not a nice journey to be on but there’s a lot of women walking alongside you.
ETA - I missed your most recent post. I’m so sorry about your baby girl but I’m glad you got some sort of closure.

I'm glad you got some closure and have a little understanding now. Time really does help. Just take it one day at a time x

This has been immensely helpful. Because I am so angry and sad and I think it’s because we’ve said enough is enough. We’ve packed our baby things, beginning to give it all away and move on to the next chapter. But you just lose so much more at this point, loss of a vision, loss of what you hoped for etc. But we are so tired. My DH finally admitted today that I am in a constant on off cycle of anger and honestly it’s been so hard on the poor guy (of course it’s harder on me physically but he deserves his grief and sadness too). Just want to heal x