Am I being too sensitive

[EmptyInside83]

On Saturday I lost my little girl at 11 weeks and 3 days. Came as a total shock because I only had a scan a week before and saw a strong heartbeat and was on my own through it all.

Fast forward to this morning - my closest friend messaged me asking how I was doing, I opened up about about how I was feeling it was my fault because I didn’t stop smoking early enough and that it was my job to keep her safe and I feel like I’ve failed her.

this was the reply I had back:

“Stop it now! I had a miscarriage and l couldn’t stop it happening , it happens to most women, my sister had 5 ! No point having a pity party you did what you could as soon as you knew. I am being brutal l know but you must stop blaming yourself for something you could not control”

am I being over sensitive that this has really upset me? All I want at the moment is a hug and be told it’s going to be ok and this is what I get. I haven’t been able to reply to her at the moment because I don’t trust what I’m going to say. So am I being over sensitive or is it out of order?

Sorry for your loss.

I think she’s not coming from a bad place and apart from the ‘pity party’ comment it actually sounds like she’s trying to be supportive.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I think you are being oversensitive, she was trying to make you feel better.

Sorry you’re going through this. Your friend’s message was insensitive in its entirety and included a few of the obvious ‘what not to say’ things.

When my sibling said crap things I decided to ignore it, then didn’t discuss mc with them again. With a friend I think I might have replied to say I found their comments insensitive and upsetting.

I think she was right to tell you not to blame yourself. The pity party was a bit strong but that's the level of aupport I had 30 plus years ago from my mother. She was an utter bitch but in a way it helped me to crack on.

I am sorry for your loss - it sucks and you are also full of crashing hormones. Be kind to yourself and don't blame yourself.

She was right to tell you not to blame yourself. Sorry for your loss x

‘Stop it!’ and ‘you must’ are imperatives - rarely helpful.

’It happens to most women’ and ‘no point having a pity party’ are dismissive and the latter even nasty.

I don't think what she said was out of order, she was trying to make you feel better. If she had agreed with you about the smoking then that would have been a harsh thing to say at this time, but she was saying it was your fault and it happens to lots of women.

To me it reads that she is saying those things to say that OP shouldn't blame herself about the smoking, and the fact it happens to lots of women means there's nothing OP could have done, these things are common and it wasn't OPs fault. In the circumstances with the smoking it reads as being supportive to the OP.

I think that your friend was trying to be helpful but I can see how the tone can be read badly.

I re read it 3 times and first time it came across as harsh and uncaring but by the third I took it as her trying to tell you you're not alone, and you're not at fault so don't blame your self. Xx

tbh I would see this as her trying to help. Being firm but supportive. I wouldn’t have an issue with it, but then I respond well to ‘tough love’ generally and her firm clarity would have helped me.
I am very sorry for your loss.