I have had two miscarriages in the last year, and after a LOT of toing and froing we did make the decision (only about a month or two ago) to try for one last time, giving myself until Christmas as I am conscious about my age. (There was some toing and froing from the get go because of my age).
But I still spend every day going back and forth though about whether this is what I want, and now my period is a few days late (not totally unusual since my D and C earlier in the year) but I’m genuinely scared to do a test in case I am pregnant. And I don’t know if I’m scared to be pregnant because of the previous miscarriages or if I’m feeling like it’s not what I want anymore?! We recently had a holiday and I felt in that week I’d come round to staying as family of 4 - but also don’t know if that’s just because it was just obviously easier being away with the two older kids than if a baby was thrown in the mix. And truthfully my main fear of pregnancy stems from having a baby that has something wrong with it and how that will impact my children (I’m sorry, I know how awful that sounds 😔 )
I’m just so confused about what I want - and how I would feel if I was. My period was a little late last month and I was also panicking then - is that a sign that two months in a row I’ve basically wanted my period to start? After so many months of being upset about it starting… I’m scared I’ll be pregnant and just not actually want it now?? Is it my head just trying to convince myself I don’t want one now? Or is that how I feel - is it possible to change my mind about it in what seems like a short space of time?
Can anybody relate? Does any of this even make sense?! My husband doesn’t get it all, as much as he tries. Sorry for rambling on, I’ve just got all these thoughts going round in my head constantly - it’s torture 😫