Grieving my baby

[bosslady89]

Hiya ,
I had TFMR on 25th June. My son had complex CHD in setting of right isomerism. I was 22weeks & had d&e.
i wish I l&q and ill live with that for the rest of my life. But at the time I just needed to survive and now I regret it so much.
it didn’t hit me at first infact from diagnosis and procedure it was all within 2 weeks. I don’t think i processed what was going on till around week 5/6 after it all happened. Some days I’m ok and I get up and do what I have to other days I cry from a drop of a hat. I have anger outbursts and take it out on those around me even tho I know it’s not their fault. As a result I think my relationship is suffering a little,he’s so supportive and lovely and I wouldn’t have got through it all without him but I can’t bring myself to have sex don’t know why I just think of our baby and ofc puts me off. It’s just been a lot. Then on the 12th August we had little man’s funeral (no box should be that small) I felt physically sick. Cried all the way home. A couple of days later I kept bleeding so went to gp who transferred me back to EPU and I had retained products so had to have surgery again and have that removed & since then I’ve had stomach cramps very low down I could barely sit down so went to docs yesterday & she asked me what ‘TFMR’ stands for & told me she was stuck on what to do as it was a Friday evening so sent me away with antibiotics which seem to actually be helping thank god but what do you mean what is a ‘TFMR’ are you not meant to be the doctor? So I was raging. Same doctor who told me ‘your just gonna have to suck up having bad sickness till delivery’. Last year I went to gp for something different and she googled my symptoms. Will defo make sure I’m not booked with her next time.
I’ve had enough of life tbh. I just want my baby back and everyday doesn’t seem to get easier tbh. I start therapy on sep 5th. I don’t really know the point in posting but I’ve just had enough of trying to be strong when I’m not this has completely thrown me and I will never forgive myself.

I am so sorry OP. What you have gone through is completely horrendous. Please please don’t blame yourself - you are not to blame.

You have been through a lot - it’s no wonder you feel like you do. Sept 4th will help and it’s not far away thankfully.

Sending big hugs ❤️

I’m sorry for your loss. I’ve no doubt you made your decision out of a place of love. It’s very very normal to be on a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions right now. Give yourself time, and therapy will help. It’s also very early days for wanting to have sex again so try not to put too much pressure on yourself.
not sure if this applies to you but often couples process/handle grief differently. Just try to keep talking to each other and you’ll get through this.

Thank u. I hope it helps xx

Thank you. It’s been a lot the last few months xx

I’ve been through tfmr and identify very much with your experiences. Despite having supportive people around me, I felt isolated and angry. I also felt largely abandoned by the doctors (not entirely true but that was my perception). I would recommend calling ARC if you haven’t already - and perhaps even if you have. I phoned them just to get it all out on a few occasions. They can also put you in touch with others. I’d also recommend listening to some podcasts. There is Time to Talk tfmr and Worst Girl Gang ever also has quite a few relevant episodes. And there are some others. Regretting choice of delivery seems to be really common and there are a number of episodes mentioning it.

Finally, it is all still very raw for you, but things will get more manageable with time. I sometimes still struggle even two years on, but far less frequently.