Coming to terms with MMC in 1st pregnancy

[nell34]

In this last week, I was scanned as I was having really light bleeding (more than spotting but not heavy & no pain). I went to the scan alone not at all worried that there would be an issue with my baby. I should have been 10 weeks on the day of my scan. They said there was no heartbeat and baby had stopped growing at 8+1. Luckily we had told family about the pregnancy and we have had brilliant support, such as people checking in, cooking for us and going to the shops for us.

I'm particularly struggling because my husband and I paid for a private scan at 8+1 and baby's heart was beating, we were told everything looked perfect. I can't wrap my head around how quickly after that scan our baby would have gone due to them still measuring at 8+1. I'm accepting that awful things happen that are beyond our control. We have applied for the baby loss certificate so our baby feels recognised.

Unlike many of our friends TTC this baby didn't happen first time. I feel back to square one. I feel like if I'm ever lucky enough to get pregnant again, no scan is ever going to feel reassuring because for all I know, baby could be gone very soon after (like this time). What makes that feeling worse is that this has been classed as a missed miscarriage, it has been torture for me thinking that this happened and I was none the wiser. I also don't know if I'm supposed to say that I miscarried at 8 or 10 weeks.

I'm not really sure, what I am trying to achieve with this post... I suppose some positive stories or things that have helped people with their next pregnancy?
I know this is still very raw for me but I feel robbed from being able to enjoy a pregnancy with innocence. Strangely (or not) I feel like it is going to be unfair on any future pregnancies we may be lucky enough to have if I am not as excited as I was this time.

The other question I have is whether anyone has any advice for what I could do to make next time any more likely to be successful? Anything for TTC or that I should ask the midwife for early on?

I suppose I'm just looking for something helpful to guide me through so I don't drive myself crazy with all these thoughts and feelings, especially if I get pregnant again. Nobody around me has been through this so I have no one to turn to who truly understands how I feel, I'm hoping the lovely MN community can help. TIA.

So sorry you are going through this. I had a MMC last year in Feb and ended up having to have a D& in March. It sucks and I did about of journaling and self care to get me through. My DP and I also had different feelings to process as I felt like my body failed us and let us down. Logically I knew this wasn’t the case but emotionally that was where my head was at for a time. After my D&C we were told to wait one month not only for dating but also for hormone levels to return to normal. It took me linearly 3 weeks to get a negative test after by D&C. We used the ovulation strips and had a positive pregnancy test in May last year.

I will say that my 2nd pregnancy I was a lot more guarded. I didn’t do anything different but I was super anxious (not helped by the fact I spotted for 4.5 weeks). I thought I would feel safe after 12 weeks but I didn’t and it was probably after the 20 week anatomy scan that I started to feel more confident. Still didn’t buy anything till like a month before DS was due though. I knew people that had a miscarriage but not subsequent pregnancies so didn’t really have someone to talk to.

if you are struggling or have questions feel free to DM me.

I understand absolutely everything you've said about how you're feeling. I lost my first pregnancy and had an MMC too, also had a good early scan with heartbeat. It took us a long time to conceive and I was devastated.
I've now had 4 consecutive MMCs (should add, this is super rare so please don't assume this will happen to you!) and am now pregnant for the 5th time. My losses were all discovered on scans between 8-11 weeks, and I'm now 19 weeks with this pregnancy and stopped anxious every day and expecting something to go wrong. Pregnancy after loss is hard. In terms of what you can do - honestly, not a lot. Most miscarriages are one offs due to genetic issues that occur spontaneously, and you can't to anything to avoid them happening. Just stay as healthy as you can overall, take folic acid and vitamin d supplements.

As a side note, I always say I miscarried the week I should have been, e.g. "I miscarried at 10 weeks but baby was measuring 8"

Please know you're very much not alone in how you're feeling and everything you're feeling is totally valid xx

So sorry to hear what you're going through. I've just discovered i've had a MMC too and feel exactly the same. It also took me a while to get pregnant.

I've had not input from my EPAS/ midwife time as to what to do differently next time, have just been told its one of those things. Very hard to hear, similar to you would look for any advice or input for TTC again.

Hoping for better results for both of us next time.

Just found out at my 10 week scan that my baby died at 7wks, 2 days after I got discharged from my IVF clinic after seeing a viable baby with heartbeat. My heart is broken. 3yrs of IVF for my first ever pregnancy to end like this is cruel

MMCs are so cruel, my heart is with you.

I wanted to give you a practical piece of information, though, which is what my consultant said with my last MMC (I’ve had 2 where the baby stopped growing at 8+1 and was discovered at a scan a week or so later). She said that around 8 weeks is when embryos that are genetically abnormal tend to pass if they have got far enough to have a heartbeat. Sure enough we had genetic testing done on that embryo and they had Trisomy 15. I think 6wk scans are nice, but I’d never be reassured by a scan before 9wks. But around 9wks onwards, although things can go wrong, the odds are far more in your favour.

As to how to cope with the next pregnancy, on a philosophical level it has helped me to remind myself that we only get the time we get with people - whether it’s 6 weeks as a little bundle of cells, or 80 years. We never know how long it will be, so we just have to find a way to be present and appreciate the time we have. That said, tbh in the pregnancies after the MMCs I just pretended they weren’t happening until I got past the 10wk mark, which also seemed to more-or-less work.