Service for baby

[bosslady89]

Hi ,
we had to make the decision to TFMR.
my sons service is next week.
I don’t know what to expect etc
the hospital are doing the service because he’s being cremated.
he was delivered by surgical termination.
Would I be able to hold his box or anything like that?
what should i expect?
the chaplain is going to call soon with details but would want to know before hand.
thank you

I'm so sorry for your loss.

We had a service for our tfmr baby almost 3 years ago now, but it was at a local crematorium rather than a hospital one - as doing it at the hospital meant he'd be buried/ashes placed in a place near the hospital but not that close to us and we didn't want that. We didn't carry the coffin/box, but I'm sure you could if you asked.

In our experience, the funeral director brought baby to the crematorium and placed the box on the pedestal, with the flowers we ordered and a teddy (that they presumably have for this sort of thing). They then played some music we'd chosen while DH sat quietly, then they closed the curtain as we left.

Thank you so much and I’m so sorry you had to go through the same thing❤️

Hello, I just wanted to send you my condolences on the loss of your baby. Terminating for medical reasons was a devastating position I also found myself in last year. I was able to get the hospital to agree to place his remains in a container which I then transported to a funeral home which deals with all kinds of loss, and they prepared his remains so the container would sit inside in a beautiful little wicker basket with a teddy and flowers. I then took him to the crematoria myself and me, my Mother and my best friend stayed and said a prayer for him and then went outside and played cat Steven’s morning has broken and blew bubbles up to heaven with my five year old. Nothing takes the pain away but I was glad I could do that and I hope you can do something similar to mark your dear baby’s short but meaningful life. I’m sorry you’ve had to experience this and I hope you’re ok.

Hi all,
Just wanted to say I'm so sorry for all of your losses and I'm so grateful to you for posting - I lost my baby at 20 weeks due to TFMR (severe pre-eclampsia) in September and I'm finding it really hard to find others who have been through something similar and have an understanding of what it's like. I really hope you're all doing as well as you possibly can, especially in the run up to Christmas xx

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss @Bobsy54321- I genuinely think it's one of the hardest decisions you'll ever make. How are you doing?

Sending sympathy.

I did same a few years back, worst experience of my life. We didn't attend the service (it was too painful and we were during covid with young kids to care for who didn't understand) so I don't know what happened. I just picked up his ashes from the crew the next day in a box and that was that.

Thank you @namestealer. I don't even really think of it as a decision in my case - the doctors felt I was going to die any time, and certainly couldn't survive until the baby reached a viable age, so they said that delivering the baby at 20 weeks was the only option to prevent me (and the baby as well) from dying. I do wonder sometimes though, as I hadn't had any fits or anything (although my BP was through the roof and wasn't really responding to any medication), whether I should have refused to go ahead with it and seen what happened. Just that niggling doubt/guilt that maybe if I ignored all the advice and just pushed on through maybe everything would have been fine. Probably not a very helpful thought!

As for how I'm doing - not great TBH. I feel like it's getting harder rather than easier. Also my boyfriend is very supportive but I only met him when I was 12 weeks pregnant already (after doing IVF for 5 years on my own) so he's not in the same place at all, plus he already has his 2 children whereas this was my first. And I'm really not sure I could even try to get pregnant again due to the increased risk of the same thing happening again.

Sorry for the massive rant. How are you doing now?

Thanks @couldthisbethenewname . I'm so sorry you've been through this too. How are you doing now?