I'm devastated. I don't know what to do with myself.
I was 13 weeks and 5 days, I started bleeding heavily in the morning, went to hospital, they did two internal examinations and I was passing a lot of clots and what they thought was tissue and told me I was actively miscarrying. They were going to send me home with some painkillers with instructions to come back if my pain became unmanageable or I had any really heavy bleeding. My husband went to the in hospital pharmacy to collect my painkillers and while he was gone I went to the toilet and my baby was born into my hands. A perfect, tiny baby boy. He would've been my fourth child so I understand it seems selfish as some people have never had children and suffered many losses but I am so sad.
The nurse with me was wonderful, she hugged me whilst it was all happening and another nurse came to clip the little cord and I passed the placenta etc so no worries about anything left behind. My pain has stopped and I'm only bleeding a bit now.
It all happened so fast, this time yesterday morning I was pregnant and now I'm not anymore. I don't know what to do with myself. I still have to be a mum to my other children and I just want everything to stop.
We brought him home and we are going to bury him with my mum's ashes at her tree, she died a couple of years ago. So I know he won't be on his own but I can't bear the thought of it. I am so tired and shaky I can't even function. I just want to lie in bed and I can't. My husband is heartbroken and seeing him like that is so hard. I know we can try again but I just want my baby back inside where he is safe, it all feels so wrong.