Struggling with miscarriage

[Ab2305]

Not sure if anyone will be able to help…
We started trying for our first baby around November/December time (not doing anything other than trying at the right time and some ovulation tests), I left my job at the end of March just as we bought our first home together. I really didn’t enjoy the trying process, I’m a really impatient person anyway and we’ve sort of started to set up our lives ready for a family which I don’t want to give up as I struggle with anxiety and depression anyway. We got our positive test at the end of May and went for a private 6 weeks scan where everything looked perfect! A few days later I started to have some bleeding and unfortunately it turns out we were miscarrying. I’ve just started to get over it physically but I’m really starting to struggle mentally. I’m trying to do everything I can to have things we can remember the baby by… we have a bonsai tree in our kitchen, a holding heart, bracelet and myself and my partner are getting a tattoo in remembrance. I’m not sure what it is I’m struggling with or if it’s just the whole situation. We want to continue to try again as we’re both desperate and excited to have a family together and I’m excited yet terrified! I know there’s positives spins that you can put on this to help but nothing seems to resonate with me. I’m so hurt & just keep crying and worried people don’t want to hear about it. I just feel so lost :( maybe too much info sorry!

Sorry for your loss. Unfortunately it’s common to have a loss around the 6 week mark but that’s no comfort. I’m sure your time will come very soon.

I know you want to mark your loss but I’m not sure a tattoo is the best thing. It might be a constant reminder and as you’ve said you suffer with depression anyway. I love the idea of a bonsai tree though.

Sorry for your loss OP. I have been through this and remember feeling how you are feeling now. It's all so recent, give yourself a little more time, it might feel painful for a few months yet.
We did what we could to feel better as soon as possible so I do understand, I got really really down, sounds just like how you describe.
The few things that helped me were speaking to friends who had been through the same, fortunately they were really honest and let me into the range of feeling they had.
I also read every resource from the Miscarriage Association which really helped.
I did a few online group sessions, I can't remember the name of the organization, they were helpful too but after a point they made me more sad for everyone else and me so 1 or 2 sessions was probably the right amount for me, looking back.
Then reading Rebecca Fett's book. I think it's called It's Starts with an egg. We did all the recommendations.

I wish you the very best, take your time xx

There is no ‘rhyme or reason’ as to why a miscarriage happens, @Ab2305, and I think that is what is the hardest part of it.
We all automatically think of what we can do to fix things but we can’t because it just went wrong. I’ve had miscarriages and also a missed miscarriage. It’s a very difficult thing to deal with.
Give yourself some time to recover and to grieve.
Sincerely wishing you well.

Thank you this really helps! I’m 21 so not many friends around me who have been through the same thing, so maybe worth looking into a support group. Definitely will try the book recommendation!
I hope you’re doing better now, thanks again xx

Exactly! Thank you xx

Hi lovely it’s absolutely horrible to go through this, I’m sorry. I’ve just had a miscarriage too (my first pregnancy) although it didn’t happen the same way yours did. Your loss is a huge shock and takes time to process so many thoughts, feelings and emotions. You are allowed to feel however you feel right now. I’m starting to hold some anger of “I shouldn’t need this” and “I don’t want people’s pity or condolences” but I am trying to move through that and allow myself the support. If you truly think a tattoo would help you process and commemorate your loss then do what is right for you, but personally I would find that a painful reminder. It may help to speak to your early pregnancy unit or team of midwives to see if they can signpost you to some therapy/counselling. The miscarriage association resources are amazing and I’ve just signed up to a course by Tommy’s which is about staying well mentally and physically after miscarriage - it’s completely free. It’s ok to take a break from TTC whilst you process and it’s so important you both feel ready and able to cope moving forward. You also may both deal with this loss in different ways. Those things you have prepared for family life can still stay, but ask yourself if that’s helpful or if there are any adjustments or changes you need to your living space for the mo. Miscarriage is grief of a potential for new life lost, a new person in your life that you were excited to meet, nurture and care for. It might be worth looking into some bereavement and grief support too although it won’t be directly related to the context of your pregnancy loss. Your post isn’t too much information - people who love and care for you will want to support you, don’t feel guilty taking up the space and time you need to get through this. Sending so much love and healing wishes xx