TFMR on Wednesday and terrified

[oakland42]

I am 16 weeks and have made the difficult decision to have a TFMR after a very poor prognosis and genetic issues with baby identified at my last scan. I had the first medication today at the hospital and have some minor cramps. I have had a miscarriage at 7 weeks before and also have a lovely DD so I know what contractions feel like but I'm so scared to go back on Wednesday and have no idea what to expect for a TFMR at 16 weeks.

Any experiences anybody can please share particularly how long it took and how long you were in hospital for?

I’m so sorry .

I have been in the same situation and I want to reassure you that you will get through it, and you will be very sad but you will be ok. The hospital staff were absolutely lovely to me and the op, under general, was fine - I had some mild cramping and bleeding afterwards and felt a bit off for a few days, but recovered well. I did produce milk, and found that quite upsetting, but a few days after the op my hormones seemed to adjust and I felt better. Take time off - don’t put any pressure on yourself and give yourself time to grieve.

sending love

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Are you having surgical or medical? We had medical at 17 weeks with our (much loved) baby girl. I also had a toddler so had been through labour before. For me, the physical side was not so bad - the emotional side was very hard. Physically, they put some kind of pessary in when I got to the hospital and DD was born 4 or 5 hours later. The contractions were ok. As soon as I felt they were getting remotely painful, I asked them to put a morphine drip up - as it happens, she came before I felt the need to actually use it.

I had very little bleeding at the time (though I did bleed, heavily at times, for about a month after) but was kept in for two days because I was showing a few signs of infection. It was fine, although my hospital didn’t have a proper bereavement suite, so I was just stuck on the labour ward all that time in the same “bed” that I gave birth to her in. DH was allowed to stay in the whole time and slept in the chair for two nights. We had her in the cold cot for a bit and they took hand prints etc for us. The staff were all lovely. The hardest parts were walking into the hospital to start with and then leaving without her at the end. If you have any help with your DD then I would take it. My first DS definitely kept me going through the whole thing, but I also found it incredibly hard going home and immediately back into managing a toddler with no time to stop or think. But that perhaps depends on the age and temperament of your child!

Be aware that there is also quite a lot of paperwork to sign off regarding funerals etc. I had been given a massive book to read about all of this when I took the first medication but was completely unable to look at it or process it. What I did do was listen to lots of podcasts (eg on Worst Girl Gang Ever and Time to Talk TFMR) to try to understand what would happen and about the various options. I would recommend speaking to Arc if you haven’t already. And I’m really sorry again. It was the worst time of my life but it was two years ago now and we’re doing a lot better.

@Nightmanagerfan thank you for sharing and your kind words.

@Dinosaurus86 I am having a medical termination, I probably would have preferred to opt for the surgical but this would have meant waiting a while and I just feel ready to move on from this. Thank you so much for sharing your story, it's really helped me to get an understanding of what to expect tomorrow.

I think surgical can be tricky to get much past 12 weeks as not so many places offer it. Obviously everyone is different, but for me, medical was the right choice - again there are podcasts on it and I would recommend listening to them if you can face it.

@oakland42 I am so sorry
I too had a tfmr, the day after you but was offered the surgical option.
Hope youre ok